Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
hi all
not meaning to stir anything up...however this just might...
the only reason i'm posting here is so there is a voice heard for alternative ideas
even if it might get drowned over by louder protests
the idea being that despite all the things about 'waking up to abusive partner' etc; there can be more than a straight forward answer such as ''leave him he is an abuser'' stereotype.
My story I have been in a toxic relationship and both me and y partner had issues...i was extremely jealous and still healing and he was abusive emotionally, verbally and physically...it got brutal I fled and lived elsewhere for a few months and started back together
and there was a HUGE shift...he really changed a lot...and so did I
W are living together again...
there are some occasional disagreements and spats...but its more or less a ''normal'' or mostly civil level
sometimes it gets a little heated up but nothing at all like in the past.
I know I know...
some strong opinions and loud voices might express themselves with a certainty that once an abuser always and abuser and things would get worse and all such.
It might be true in many cases...and maybe if nothing is done to change and transform those situations.
So I'm not condoning anything abusive nor am I encouraging anyone to stay in abusive situations nor to take any abusive behaviours.
However, I'm juts trying to also get the voice out that each situation may be different and one must have some discernment, and balanced hope.
Whatever decision one makes...there are many possibilities and outcomes and one does always know for sure.
There might be tough decisions to make
All I wanted to share, is also to add my story which is a positive one.
I'm so glad and grateful that I listened to my heart and faith and gave us a chance and had hope
I did what I had to to place a boundary and was preparing for what may be healthy...which turned out to be a temporary separation and along distance and weekly meet relationship and everyday call and contact...and now living together again.
This is what worked for me.
Just wanted to get a story out there where one can heal and grow and learn both ways.
I have also had to change and grow a lot and yes and I feel less like a victim and more self -confidant and more positive.
If this helped anyone, thats great. Thats all my intention is.
I just wanted to get a voice out that when faced with abusive situations the answer is not just a labelling as the other person as the abuser and the end of the relationship...sometimes that may be the solution...not in all cases right off the bat
Also there are situations at work and elsewhere...one cannot run from every situation although its important to stay safe...
what is the right decision in each situation is a matter of the actual decision.
I'm glad I moved out to safety when I did and glad I moved back to give the chance for the beautiful relationship in the marriage to blossom in a haled way anew and afresh.
Thanks.
not meaning to stir anything up...however this just might...
the only reason i'm posting here is so there is a voice heard for alternative ideas
even if it might get drowned over by louder protests
the idea being that despite all the things about 'waking up to abusive partner' etc; there can be more than a straight forward answer such as ''leave him he is an abuser'' stereotype.
My story I have been in a toxic relationship and both me and y partner had issues...i was extremely jealous and still healing and he was abusive emotionally, verbally and physically...it got brutal I fled and lived elsewhere for a few months and started back together
and there was a HUGE shift...he really changed a lot...and so did I
W are living together again...
there are some occasional disagreements and spats...but its more or less a ''normal'' or mostly civil level
sometimes it gets a little heated up but nothing at all like in the past.
I know I know...
some strong opinions and loud voices might express themselves with a certainty that once an abuser always and abuser and things would get worse and all such.
It might be true in many cases...and maybe if nothing is done to change and transform those situations.
So I'm not condoning anything abusive nor am I encouraging anyone to stay in abusive situations nor to take any abusive behaviours.
However, I'm juts trying to also get the voice out that each situation may be different and one must have some discernment, and balanced hope.
Whatever decision one makes...there are many possibilities and outcomes and one does always know for sure.
There might be tough decisions to make
All I wanted to share, is also to add my story which is a positive one.
I'm so glad and grateful that I listened to my heart and faith and gave us a chance and had hope
I did what I had to to place a boundary and was preparing for what may be healthy...which turned out to be a temporary separation and along distance and weekly meet relationship and everyday call and contact...and now living together again.
This is what worked for me.
Just wanted to get a story out there where one can heal and grow and learn both ways.
I have also had to change and grow a lot and yes and I feel less like a victim and more self -confidant and more positive.
If this helped anyone, thats great. Thats all my intention is.
I just wanted to get a voice out that when faced with abusive situations the answer is not just a labelling as the other person as the abuser and the end of the relationship...sometimes that may be the solution...not in all cases right off the bat
Also there are situations at work and elsewhere...one cannot run from every situation although its important to stay safe...
what is the right decision in each situation is a matter of the actual decision.
I'm glad I moved out to safety when I did and glad I moved back to give the chance for the beautiful relationship in the marriage to blossom in a haled way anew and afresh.
Thanks.
Secondly, I'm very happy for you that you have found a way through the pain, and I truly hope it lasts and is/becomes a truly healthy relationship. That said, I wonder, would it have happened if you had not left? Nobody can answer that question, because we can never know what would have been if.
I applaud your efforts, and I truly am happy for you that they seem to be bearing fruit. There is another here whose relationship truly appears, with a couple of years of change behind them, to be working out for the best. And I am very happy for her also.
But that doesn't change the fact that, unless the abuser (and yes, I will continue to use that word because, in the vast majority of cases, it is an abuser - no matter what the victim has done wrong), unless the abuser truly wants to change for him or her self, FOR him or her self, then the change will be temporary. Yes, it is possible for someone to truly want to and be able to change, and I'm truly happy for you that you seem to have someone who does and is.
Thank you, for bringing hope. But remember too, that to get any change, you also had to leave.
And for me, I will not hear my ex. Perhaps that's a fault of mine. I have let go of what he did, I bear no grudge, I wish him no ill. But nor will I ever again risk myself or my son on the off chance he has changed. He had a chance to treat us right, and he didn't. I wasn't perfect, but I deserved way better, and still do. The difference now is that I know it.
I'm so very, very glad that
you followed a path that
ended up working for you
in your relationship and
in your life.
Back before I understood
much of anything about
anything, I was a vocal
and sometimes radical
advocate for
individual choice.
I still am.
I believe and at every
opportunity, urge every
individual to DECIDE
for HER (or HIM) SELF.
Some of my choices for
my life were good, some
not so good.
The happy outcome of my
choices is that I've arrived
at a generally happy outcome.
I have many people to thank
and nobody to blame.
If your story gives hope
to others,
the only place I can see
that being a bad thing is
if the result of that hope
are choices that, in the
short or long run, deprive
a target of abuse from
achieving the fulfillment
of their vision ----- or
even ------ worse.
And I acknoledge
that even if they were
inspired to hope from
somebody's positive
story, the choice the
individual makes is
wholly and soley
her or his own.
A couple more things:
As a clinician I have
encountered dysfunctional
individuals who WANTED
to remedy their destructive
behavior patterns. . . . . who
WORKED HARD on making
changes to get themself onto
a more functional path and
who did everything they
were asked and tried really
hard . . . . . . and COULDN'T.
The take away from that is
that even in the very small
percentage of abusers who
may actually WANT to change
and then go do the extremely
hard and lifelong work that
it takes to become non-abusive,
and even tinier percentage of
those people actually ever
ACHIEVE that goal. (Psychological
and emotional imprinting that
takes place early in life can be
very hard or, too often,
IMPOSSIBLE, to change.)
So while hope can keep
a target of abuse afloat and
continuing to work to remain
in an abusive relationship,
the percentage of stories
like yours are very, very few.
The other thing that needs
to be said is that when an
individual is damaged
psychologically and emotionally,
and in the circumstances that
that individual either dials back
on previous physical abuse, or
perhaps has exhibitied primarily
emotional abuse but few examples
of physical violence. . . . . . . . .
there is absolutely NO GUARANTEE
that that primarily emotional abuser
will NEVER become
physically violent.
I have not conducted a
scientifically developed
research study (though
I SHOULD!), but I have
anectdotally seen
that when a certain profile
of abuser who has historically
been emotionally, financially,
or sexually abusive (but not
overtly physically violent),
commits a physically violent
act against his (or her) target,
that act may be of a fatal nature,
the kind that ends up killing one
or more people.
Those are two of my concerns
when we're privileged enough
to hear about positive, success
stories, like yours. I'm genuinely
delighted to hear about your
successes. I'm equally concerned
that the take home message is to
hang onto a situation in which
the probability of a similar success
is small to nil.
I wish you a continuation
of ALL GOOD THINGS
in your life, and I wish
every other soul a
similar outcome.
Take care
and be well.
No Judgment here!
I am very happy for you. I also agree about boundaries.
While I certainly believe there are "Abusers" in this world. People who would be clinically diagnosed by a professional as beyond redemption..... The more common scenario is bad relationship dynamics with partners finding it difficult to take personal responsibility for the role they play in creating the situation they are living.
Life isn't perfect. There will be stress.
Each of us has to decide what is best for us. Each of us has to decide if the benefits of staying outweigh the benefits of leaving.
There are always more solutions to a problem ( any problem)
Some ways of problem solving are very difficult and require us to change ourselves, face hard truths about ourselves, doing the work might even be really painful. Some people might find it easier to blame another for the problem. Every situation is different.
This is an internet message board. To give advice to leave or to stay to a person after reading a post would be irresponsible at best.
The internet IS a good place to spark thought provoking ideas. Maybe read things that allow us to view the situation from a different perspective. I have found this message board to be very helpful and thought provoking.
Good luck to you and thanks for the hope!