Simple answer. In your relationship, who held the power? Abuse is about power and control - were you the one in charge? Did you use your sensitivity in an agressive manner, to force them into doing what you want, or was it defensive, trying to simply express what you felt, never quite feeling like anyone else got it? Not occasionally, or in hindsight - but routinely, and intentionally?

Or is it more likely that, seeing a wounded dove, the predators decend? Because, I'm not going to lie here... that kind of sounds like the sort of thing predators would do.

Wow Bax, that is a great way to analyze this type of situation. Very helpful.

And Joanie, I understand your thoughts. I think we become so focused on figuring out what the hell happened in our relationship that our thoughts can go anywhere and everywhere....to the point we start to question if we are the one with the problem. Been there, done that. And, on rare occasions, still do.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the personalities on this site. Everyone, for the most part, that I have come across strikes me as exceptionally caring, thoughtful, good by nature, sensitive and open. I continue to be amazed by the support complete strangers can give one another here and we don't even know each other! And in some cases, the people here may actually provide some the best support system available. It's truly amazing. You can hear the care in responses. For instance, Bax titled his thread, "Sorry, guys." And how many folks started their response, "you don't need to be sorry, Bax." Good stuff and good people. Above norm in my book.

I think just by being here and participating and trying to help others while we help ourselves is testament to our own sanity and well-being....even if the latter is somewhat torn and frayed from the abuse we have innocently been handed.

Hope that helps.

Peace

Oh and one more thought. I might be wrong, but I think a lot of us on here are quick to say we're sorry. I know I have always been. And thinking on that, many times it is unnecessary. I almost do it out of habit.

I am slowly figuring out various lessons that were to be learned in my last relationship. And from now on I make a conscious effort to use the word sorry only when appropriate and when it means something. I hope that makes sense. Kind of off on my own tangent tonight. :)

Joanies, nobody causes another to abuse them. Abuse is a choice and it's a choice made by the abuser. You didn't cause it and you couldn't have stopped it. It's not about whether you "act right" or "pushed their buttons", it's about their choice to use anger and abuse to control you.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I tend to overthink, overanalyze. Also since I have been a young girl, I would often take the blame just so my family would not fight. I have conflict. Sometimes its as if I literally have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Thank you all so much for your support.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You aren't alone. I've learned many abuse victims entertain thoughts that maybe it was them causing the other to abuse. I know I have, despite all the advice given to me on here, all I have read, and the discussions with my therapists. Sometimes I fall into a mental trap where I wonder if I am bringing out the worst from my last two girlfriends because of my relative lack of relationship experience compared to them. I start to think maybe I am getting criticized or screamed at because I did something wrong.

Logically, I know this is not the case. And even my girlfriend admits to treating men badly in the past, much worse than she has treated me. And yet I still fall into this emotional trap and consider that maybe part of this is me.

But I now look at it this way: Even if you are bipolar, schizophrenic, or borderline, that's STILL no reason for another person to scream at you, call you names, hit you, control you, or manipulate you.

Just think - are you capable of managing your own life outside of these relationships? It sure sounds like it. If you had any of the above-mentioned disorders, all areas of your life would be a mess.

I am not sure of who I am anymore. I just took a couple tests and am further confused. Maybe I shouldn't be around anyone. :(
At this point I am thinking I should just call my ex and tell him he is better off without me. He may have addictions and not be able to settle with one girl but at least he doesn't pretend to be someone he is not, like apparently I have been. I really thought I was ok, just a little emotional from all I have went through and perhaps a bit jaded and anti social. Now I see I need to face the truth and realize I have issues that far outweigh his.