When I was telling my dad about what was going on with my girlfriend, he kept interrupting and saying, "wow, that sounds just like your mom!"

And in talking with my siblings and remembering a few things, and things my dad has told me later, it's clear that my mom was emotionally manipulative/abusive towards my dad. She certainly had her rages over non or minor issues or things she caused herself, put my dad in no-win situations, and isolated him from the friends and life he had before marriage. Talking with my sister recently, she recalls my mom making statements such as "why don't I just go kill myself because you don't care" when she was mad at my dad. I don't specifically remember her saying things about threatening suicide, but I do recall her making manipulative statements along those lines.

I am not thinking that growing up with that affected my self esteem and view of what a normal relationship is.

Hi Joanie, yes, I do believe I have replicated certain things that I internalised growing up. Am still trying to determine which parent was the main abuser, but whichever it was, I married one narcissist and have been involved with a couple of others. I also attracted unhealthy friends and even employers as a result of my own patterns of behaviour.

I can say unreservedly that this board has been my best support! I went to a therapist, but had to leave as felt they did not fully understand me after both of our best efforts. As yet I have not been able to face describing the details to yet another stranger who may potentially 'not get it' either. To me, there has been nothing like the wisdom and support of comrades fighting the same battle, so to speak. Thank you all so much...

Joanie, I hope you can derive as much comfort and strength as I have from this board. Wishing you courage and peace. Big hugs xx

Forgot to add that I too started out in my adult life vowing never to give anyone who abused me more than a single chance to show me their colours. Ended up finding that it is not always that easy...but have more compassion for myself now :) xx

There was dysfunction on
both sides of my family of
origin that went back at
least two generations
(that I know of).

In my abusive marriage,
I know that there was abuse
that went back at least two
generations on (at least)
his mother's side. I'm
guessing it was the same
on his father's side.

Professionally, most of the
survivors I work with report
abuse in both their own
family of origin, and typically
in the family of origin of their
abuser, as well . . . . again. . .
generally for at least two
generations.

The outcome for survivors
is always better when there's
support in some manner. I,
myself, had a wonderful friend
for ten years. She ended up
disappearing. But she was
there when I needed her most.
(Losing her was worse than
losing my abusive husband.)

Dr. Phil has a saying he
attributes to Texas. He
said they say to "Rise
above your raising."

Sounds good, but easier
said than done. It helps
to have combination of
various supports, like a
good counselor, lots of
insight and plenty of both
hard work and self-care.

I didn't grow up in an abusive home but my parents did not encourage or support me. They told me I had a problem at a very early age since I would question things and speak up, which they didn't appreciate. My dad took me to counselors as a kid and when they told him he was being too hard on me that was the last I saw them then on to a new one who would say what my dad wanted to hear- namely that I was difficult and a problem child.

When it came to others I never witnessed them handling conflict....ever. Even with each other. So i thought that conflict was bad and if it happened it was my fault (bc I thought it wasn't normal).

My husband's family of the two generations I know were also abusive (not physically) though once his grandpa kicked our dog and after that our dog couldn't hear our of one ear.

The style of relating was passive aggressive from grandpa to dad and dad to my husband. Never tell them what you're thinking when you're mad but instead sabotage things or refuse to speak at all.

My support system is 3 people. Three people I deem "safe" anyway. Only one of them I feel I can tell anything to. I have no family I'm close to. Unfortunately one of my three is not my current MC. :-(

Sad to hear a repeating cycle, Joanieslegacy, but the more you learn I'm sure the easier it will be to spot it the future!

I didn't grow up with abuse, but I did have a loud and controlling sister, and I didn't realize until counseling a year ago how much that probably had an effect in who I married. What's weird to me though is that my wife was different before marriage, and didn't start to seem like my sister until after we were married a while.

It was my mother who was abusive. She would fly into a rage and hurt my dad who spent his life trying to keep her happy. Until she lied to the police and ended up getting arrested. I have always heard that girls marry guys like dad and I always worried about become my mom. Instead I married a man like my mother and became like my father, trying to teach my kids how to avoid setting him off.

Isn't it amazing. I tried hard not to marry someone like my father, and when I found the one, I was sure of it. But danged if he didn't turn out to be exactly the same, just with different wrapping. Now I know that that's why he felt so right. It scares me now, because even when you go in with eyes wide open, you're blind!

Yes my family was emotionally abusive. My dad was totally unavailable emotionally and we all walked on eggshells around him most of the time. He had all the power and no one had the guts to question him about anything. My mom became alcoholic a couple years into the marriage, and stopped drinking abruptly when she was 30 (I was 7) due to her liver almost shutting down. She stopped drinking but never did the work about why she became so dependent on alcohol. My sister was and still is on occasion emotionally abusive.

I'm with FarandAway, tried so hard to find a guy nothing like my dad to marry, but a couple years into the marriage he took off his sheep's clothing and exposed himself for the wolf that he is. Just like my dad underneath the facade. Still working on how to not do this again.