Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My really good friend that I have made since a few months before Christmas of last year has me thinking a lot about my accountibility in my relationships. I trust her judgement as she went to college and has a BA in Pyschology related fields and works with addicts and mentally disabled. She is the one who pressed me to seek therapy at the place she works for. Anyway she seems to think I suffer from social anxiety, depression, PTSD and possible bi polar. I am in total agreement on the first two, not sure on the PTSD and well the fourth scares me. I was researching that as my last ex displayed a lot of the manic symptoms, then he would be depressed and apathetic. Of course, and excuse the rawness of this, but she mentioned that his hyper sexuality could also have been caused by Meth use (which I can't prove) and the lows are when he was coming down. Anyway, I do have mood swings, but I am not hyper sexual, nor a risk taker, gambling, driving fast..etc. I guess I am just wondering if I could have caused a lot of the tension we had because of my issues? If maybe I had been on the meds like him, I could have been more passive, and not so dramatic, hard headed and sensitive?
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/m/public/symptoms.asp
There is a lot of detail about the symptoms for PTSD. There's also a PTSD forum on daily strength that you could check out as well.
Please don't beat yourself up about your accountability and your last relationship. If your ex was abusive, it's because he isn't if user, and no matter what you did, he still would've been an abuser. So you could have been anything good that nice nicer, the nicest person in the entire world, and he still would've been abusive. There's Nothing you could have done to change that. What you can do now, this help yourself to feel better. It sounds like you're trying, and that's great. So keep going, and keep taking care of yourself. You are very strong, and I know that you can do this.
I would listen to your friend, listen to jaded listen to anyone who will talk to you and not rule out anything, till you try it.
I would be open to trying almost anything till I found something that helped me get out of the hole I was in.
I would give anything if I knew what it was you needed to get out of your depression, but I just don't. Listen to your friends and try anything within reason. I wish you the very best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You deserve to live abuse free and be happy, both at the same time!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I think you have PTSD, in fact I would be surprised if you didn't. I am not a psychiatrist and I am not a doctor, but I am a survivor of childhood molestation and abuse. I know the signs and I know them well.
You have mentioned in the past that you see the person who abused you around town every now and then. I would think that would make it very hard, if not downright difficult, to fully hea1 and recover. Especially when you feel like you cannot talk to anyone about it. It took me 32 years to talk about my history of abuse with anyone, and then it was with my therapist whom I had known for 4 years by that point. It was like pulling teeth... Deeply infected, painful teeth. The pain and the nightmares had been there for so long I just became used to them.
I had been treated for PTSD before (thanks to my first abusive ex and a couple of other incidents), but even though I knew the signs I thought I was safe from having it relating to events so long ago. The moment I started talking about it, I felt like a weight had been lifted. Over time, the nightmares decreased in frequency and began to be able to face more of what my reality is today.
PTSD often causes agoraphobia and social anxiety. PTSD by definition is caused by a traumatic event, by something (or many somethings) turning the world you knew as safe upside down. Who would want to leave their house or get to know someone new after an experience like that? No one I know!
The loss of a safe, known reality, repeated exposures to stessors (such as childhood abuser), anxiety and isolation, are all causes of depression. The inability to safely express anger, hurt, sadness and other emotions create a swirling sea of emotions that have no release. They become an open wound and without treatment, result in depression.
Social anxiety, in my experience, has been relatively easy for me to treat, although I do struggle with it daily. I have to force myself to do the things I know I enjoy, to get out of the house, to text my friends back, ect. I still have randomized panic attacks due to the PTSD, and have medication to take for when it gets particularly bad. The medication has given me my life back. I don't take it very often, but just knowing it is there is helpful.
Depression has been an uphill battle for me. I am currently taking medication for it, exercising and meditating. I also know that my environment is a huge contributing factor to my depression.
As for Bi-Polar disorder, only your doctor can say for certain. It is often overly-diagnosed. I do have friends that are diagnosed as bi-polar and let me tell you, there is no doubt that they are! The extreme ups and downs are the most noticeable characteristics. Self-harm, loathing, angry, destructive outbursts, dangerous impulsive actions, self-medicating with drugs or alcohol.
If you are mostly feeling down, it is likely that you are suffering from a major depressive episode, and when you feel up, you are really feeling normal.
Gosh, this turned out much longer than I intended it to be! :)
There's no excuse for abusing someone. It IS ok to react to abuse though. Don't ever think reacting to abuse in some ways makes you guilty. And remember that even if no one was at fault in any of your relationships, if there was no abuse, it still wouldn't be worth staying with someone who doesn't make you happy.
Relationships shouldn't be hard work.
I personally would think that to diagnose you with bi polar disorder is a mistake to make that assumption. You've been in an abusive relationship, I'd say it's only safe to explore this area (bi polar) when you've delt with the effects of abuse because you'll be displaying all sorts of symptoms from abuse that are like umbrella symptoms and can relate to a few things!
But trust me, it's relating to the abuse as that's evidentially what you've actually lived throu!
I went to my doctors about 2 months ago and actually asked for help (I was already in counselling but wanted to see if there was anything else I could try), I said to my doctor "I'm worried I might be bi polar!"
She just said "karen, your not bi polar, your reacting to abuse!"
She then arranged some new different therapy for me and now I can honestly say she was spot on! It really was me not being able to process and cope with the memories of abuse and the flash backs (PTSD)
And as far as psychology is concerned, every human being is responsible for their own actions. Ultimately a part of their brain stops them or allows them to act out. This is true for u but is equally true and valid regarding all the abusive people in your past. They decided to behave that way. You didn't make them.
I've heard that no one can make u feel anything and I think that's a load of rubbish. People can do things to make u feel, but the reactions to those feelings, no one can make you react to anything!
Even when I was crying and so frustrated towards my ex and screaming because I was breaking down, he made me feel but I choose to react (to be honest my brain just went over load and decided to switch down for a while as I had multiple break downs. It's a way of your brain saying "right I'm off now, need to disappear as I can't handle this!" ) but ultimately I am responsible for my reactions.
So you are NOT responsible for another's reactions towards you! They are!!!
but mood swings are common in PTSD as well - to be Bipolar you have to have at least 1 manic episode in a year - take it from one who knows .lol - I'm bipolar AND have PTSD and have the things you mentioned about your ex (and I don't take meth) when I'm manic....but I didn't know any of this stuff till I went to a doctor - didn't know I had PTSD till I went to a doctor either.
Kaz said it well - you are not responsible for another's actions - even though an abuser will tell you that you are. Mine did all the time.
They say we drive them to it, they can't control themselves, it's our fault....but it's not. We think if we just could have _________________
There is nothing we could have done.
abusers abuse.
Also he wouldn't stop with self medicating, pot and other street drugs, mixing them with his meds he took for his other afflictions, of which he never admitted to Bi Polar, I just feel that he was with his hyper sexual activity and risk taking behavior (driving fast, addictions, gambling) and as I said, he had every drug that you would take for Bi Polar or maybe even Borderline.
I am not sure why I am so hung on this but he would always say I brought drama into his life, negativity, stress. That he needed calm. Yet, I was no where near the stress his friends were, as they were addicts and I wasnt, they were always borrowing money from him, I wasn't, or causing stress in some way or another. Then it would be like I would get the heat from it?
He would say he wanted a good hearted, kind, loyal woman, yet if you gave him that, he would be out with the ex girlfriend behind your back. In the case of his Bi Polar, is that acceptable and could not be helped as he was just hyper sexual?
He chose to take drugs, hang around with those friends (probably because they also did the drugs) and go behind your back.
I am guessing that u was level headed, perhaps tried to make him see the error if his ways, tried to tell him the drugs were not a good idea and neither his friends who used him, but because he chose to do that and then complained about it he hated you finding solutions for him because really he was the problem. He just wanted to be able to go out, do whatever he wanted to, get people to feel sorry for him because he was bi polar and wanted to have zero responsibility
"I can't help it, it's my condition!"
Being bi polar doesn't give anyone a free pass. Yes there are symptoms of it, but if someone really wanted the help, the stress free life, they would do everything within their power to achieve this, he didn't, he just blamed his stress on you as if your advice (he would have seen it as moaning) was making him do those things!
Which came first? His behaviour or your advice???
No one gives insight into someone's life when that someone is healthy and responsible!