Just feeling really stressed out today, last week friday had my first meeting with woman's shelter, felt good to open up to someone and have them listen to me and validate what i was feeling. this weekend though i opened my stupid mouth and blirted out i want a divorce, he actually didn't look shocked and didn't start yelling at me or anything, just proceeded to make me feel guilty for how i felt, i knew it shouldn't have came out of my mouth the second it slipped but i have just had it. So eventually again i agreed to stay for now, he is trying to get his invention up and running and so he asked if i would stay for a few months until that happens and then at that time i can decided to leave or stay and he won't fight me(HAHA YEAH RIGHT)!!

This is all so pointless, so sick of going back and forth tired of feeling guilty, tired of him sucking me back in, i know i dont want to be with him and i know i am not in love with him, i loathe him, i can't stand to be anywhere near him but put up with it anyway. I just don't know why i let him get to me and let him make me feel bad, for goodness sake people get divorced every damn day, its not like this is something new in the world, i wish he could just let me go and forget about me.

Well anyway, have another next week tuesday to talk to the advocate some more and she also has recommended i see the trauma advocate, which i havent set up yet, after a while this all feels so pointless, i haven't left in 15 years, starting to feel like i never will...