Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Truthfully.. I am writing because this year has been my rock bottom and I feel like I have no one to tell. This past year I got into a relationship with a guy whom seemed so charming and amazing. The first date he actually brought me Christmas dinner and then from there on we were inseperable. I started to notice we would go out and he would disapear into a smokers pit and talking to girls, I would inquire and he would say just talking. Eventually we moved in so quickly and the relationship took over my life. He introduced me to drugs and other risky behaviours that really weren't me... but I allowed it. I am 23 and he is 29 so obviously I am nieve and silly feeling as though I am so lucky to have such a wonderful older boyfriend. Our partying got worse and worse and one night I noticed he got physical and grabbed my face aggressively... I never thought twice really thinking "at least he didn't hit me" and never being in an abusive relationship I brushed it off. The Emotional Abuse got so much worse that he was lying and cheating and I was so blind I never knew. Things got worse to a point he had no control he was doing things like grabbing my hair pulling it dragging me around and finally actually hitting me. As well the emotional abuse, lying cheating, and when angry picking me apart like I am not a human being.
I guess I just feel a bit lost. Hes on paper... horrible for me I know this. I lost many friends because of him and isolated myself. I just found out whilst cheating he actually got someone pregant and still asked me to date. I am trying so incredibly hard to get over this... I just feel like I can't talk to anyone and no one understands. On paper I see how horrible it is. This is not me I am usually so strong but it has become an addiction... it has even changed me. I feel like now I am doing more destructive behaviour and when we fight and he hits me I lose it. I am safe and away from him now but stopping conversation is so hard... I think because he has made me look so crazy, calling feeling controlling and its not me. Though now I feel like I am showing this horrible behvaiour.
I feel so off from who I am as a person. Calling all the times he lies to me. Crying in my room. I feel literally crazy. I also gained aa lot of weight through this relationship and feel on top of emotional I also feel like this is the best I get.
I feel bad about becomming this crazy possesive jealous person and its not me. This weak passive person. It makes me so sad. I am wondering if anyone else has had this experience of thier personality changing...
It has only been a day of not talking but I blocked everything because I know I will msg. Just looking for someone to relate I guess.
I almost hate to comment on situations like yours and I'll tell you why. Sometimes the more other people point out what a total piece of human excrement a man is, for some godforsaken reason it really pulls out the abused woman't protective instincts like nobody's business. She begins defending him in her head, telling herself he's not that bad. and other people just don't understand him. It's called the Romeo and Juliet complex. The thing is, he's just another sparkling turd, and not even a clever one.
Let me just say that your case is almost a textbook example of a younger woman being snared by the worst kind of abuser. They all lure you in with nice words, smiles, and good lovin'. When they've got you hooked the abuse starts. In a way it's not his fault. His personality is damaged and he's programmed to abuse his partners. That probably won't ever change, because regardless of what he might say, he really does not want to change.
You thinking the abuse has anything at all to do with you is absurd. He's don't exactly what he did to you to others before you and will move on to others after you, preying on their emotions and ripping apart their bodies, all the while trying to convince them that the abuse is something they deserve for being flawed. He'll keep it up with every single one of them until they go crawling away in defeat, realizing they can't love him all better.
Were you naive and foolish for not recognizing the red flags? Maybe, but that's the thing about abusers. They are good at picking nice, loving, innocent people to abuse. Did you change while you were with him? You bet your sweet ass you did. I was the only way to survive, once he sucked you in with drugs and all manner of abuse. Anyone would come out fighting. When one stay's in a situation like that to long and looses the will to fight, women get killed or their children get abused.
Be glad you are out of the situation. Only a fool would spend one more minute talking to their abuser. You may not have any control of what runs through your mind, but you can and must control your behavior. Turn you back on this horrible ordeal, believe in yourself and get yourself a counselor. You deserve so much better than to be some abuser's punching bag! No one on planet earth deserves what you wen through.
You must stop talking to him right away. Block him. Delete his number. Tell anyone who you are living with that he should not be anywhere on the property. The longer you speak to him, the longer he can snake his way around your psyche and heart. Cut him out and let the healing process begin. Remember this, repeat it to yourself a million times: You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If anyone gives you less than that, they aren't worth giving the time of the day to.
The cure is leaving. You can spend a year with him, five years, or thirty...your choice. But it's never going to get better. (Even if he quits drinking, drugs, all the rest of it...the abuse will never get better.)
Sorry...that's just the way it is.
I know exactly how you feel. It is so hard to describe, but I was 19 dating a 27 year old, and he was the same way. And until the day I realized everything was going wrong, I had no idea how bad it was. Humans are so strong and resilient, to a fault. We can learn to handle and tolerate anything, when sometimes we shouldn't be.
You are strong and independent, enough to recognize a bad situation and distance yourself from it. You will start to feel like your old self again, with time and maybe some help from friends, family or other support. I know it feels like you won't get there, but you will and I promise it will feel amazing when you do.
Stay strong and look after yourself. There are so many resources and so many people who feel the same way.