Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello, I am new to this forum and I just wanted to take a moment to share my story: It's been 9 months and 7 days since my abusive relationship ended. My boyfriend walked out on me without warning or a goodbye. In the months we were together, we had discussed marriage and the possibility or relocating to another state. Thankfully, this did not happen. Ironically, I didn't realize I was a battered woman until two weeks after the relationship ended! The majority of the abuse was emotional/psychological and it was during our last encounter that it became physical (although I convinced myself that the behavior was something else). I have been fortunate to have had access to many educational and counseling resources including assistance from my local domestic/dating violence center. I have learned important lessons: not to confuse intimacy with intensity; pay attention to red flags; not to ignore concrete facts in favor of circumstantial evidence and most of all, that falling in love with someone should mean being able to love myself. Looking back, I can see signs that he may have been physically abusive to his ex-wife (he called it rough sex); financially abusive to his ex-partner (he called it "helping her manage her money") and I know he was psychologically abusive to me (probably because I didn't live with him or give him access to my bank account). I am here because I am slowly working through my rage at him, myself and the people who enable him. I am also sad because I have no legal recourse (no "real crime" was committed) and he has absolutely no remorse (he lives in a world that is pathologically self-centered). Even worse, I am scared. Not so much for me - I have ceased all contact with him. I am really scared for other women out there. The more I learn and reflect on what happened during my time with him, the more I feel that, like so many abusers, he poses a real danger to other women and even children. I'm here because my feelings and my fears are very difficult for many people to understand. To some, I am just another ex-lover who is bitter and burned after being jilted. The truth is, I am not sure who I am now. I know that I am definitely not the person I was before the relationship began and ended. Joining this online community is my step toward getting better acquainted with the new woman I have become. Any suggestions?
As for those who may think that you are "just another ex-lover who is bitter and bummed after being jilted." I offer this: Know your own truth. They didn't go through it - you do.
My one suggestion would be, if you haven't already to search for Ilene's clarifying index card exercise...it is excellent and very helpful in the healing process. I believe that no contact is the best (so good for you!) and that with each day, you will begin to know the real you again.
Hugs
I empathize with your position, because I was there myself (one year ago, exactly). My own abusive relationship was very similar to yours -mostly emotional, verbal, psychological abuse with some physical incidents that I didn't take seriously enough. Eventually, I bailed out as well, not being able to take it anymore.
The feeling that you're not sure who you are is, I think, very VERY normal. Abuse is trauma, and trauma is very destabilizing to a person's identity and self-image. Your whole sense of self is put into question and is under attack when in an abusive relationship. This can have lasting consequences or long-term consequences.
One of the ways to rebuild yourself is by: joining an online community such as this one, seeking counseling with a professional trained in abusive relationships, taking care of yourself and allowing yourself the TIME to process, slowly, and as long as it takes, being patient with yourself, not being hard with yourself, taking care of yourself, loving yourself.
We forget how to practice self-care when in an abusive relationship because we struggle to survive, to make the abuser happy, to fix them. We forget about ourselves in this process because we are always trying to keep our heads above the water.
So, you are way ahead of a lot of other people: you have detached from your abuser, are practicing NC, and are now focusing on YOU. You have acknowledged and recognized abuse for what it is -abuse! A lot of us have trouble even doing that. You are doing great!!!
I would also say to you, work through your rage, that is OK to feel angry and upset. By working through these issues, you will come through and process the pain he has caused you and you will move on. Just give yourself time and be patient with yourself. Vent, post here, we are here to listen and offer support and comfort. Know that you are not alone!!!!
As for being scared for other women, yes, I know, it is very difficult to stomach that reality. There is not much we can do, other than take care of ourselves, help other women and men in offering support and/or get involved in activism on some level, and I don't mean big-scale activism, but rather small-scale activism embedded in every day life. We can't change the world outright, but we can, by practicing kindness ourselves and awareness building, help get the world to change in the right direction. All the women and men on this support board do that -they contribute their own stories and help others in the process. That is what we can do to help other women and men recognize their situations for what they are.
Yep, that's what emotional abuse will do to you. I've experienced all of the above. I feel guilty about not being able to stop my ex girlfriend from harming others, especially considering her profession is a teacher. And when I try to bring it up to others, most simply assume I am a bitter ex-boyfriend. It's a terrible feeling.
Welcome, though! Sorry you have to be a member of the club nobody wants to belong to. We all wish we wouldn't have to be here, but this is a very good place.
In order to get past the rage and other strong feelings, and also in order to find out who I am, one of the things I did a lot of work on (as well as therapy, joining here, and the other great suggestions above mine) was to just relax and accept. Accept what happened to me, accept that I was duped and also made mistakes, accept that he is who he is and there is nothing I could have done to change him and nothing I can do to prevent him duping others. And accept that I am entitled to all of the emotions that have come out of that - sadness, rage, grief, whatever we feel is just fine.
And writing too - journalling and posting here have both helped enormously.