Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So I am wondering if this is abuse or not and was wondering if you could help me.
My mother uses guilt trips all the time. Before I was paying attention to this I didn't even realize how often. For example, my birthday is in three days and I asked her if I could go see a friend for a few hours. She got really mad at me and said, "You mean you'd rather spend it with her than with us?" Now, come on. It was only a few hours and we weren't doing anything then. Half my family wouldn't even be home when I was planning on going out.
She only thinks about how things affect her. When I was little and used to ask her for advice, she would be like, "Why does this always have to happen to me?!" So you feel bad for asking for help...
She accuses me if yelling at her or using a tone when I am not. Today she told me to quit yelling at her, but my dad was in the next room and came in and told her I wasn't yelling, I was talking in a normal voice.
If I side with my dad in an argument, she gets mad at me and says it is because I love him more than her.
She sometimes talks to me when she is upset about something, but seems somewhat annoyed when I ask her.
She got shingles a while ago, which is a stress related illness. She blamed it on the stress we give her. It was so hard to watch her in bed and in pain and be told that you were the cause.
As for some of my own symptoms, I apologize for everything. I have low self-esteem and I have a hard time asking for help from friends because I feel very guilty for taking up their time. I have a fear of abandonment. I am so afraid that people are going to leave me and I will be alone.
My mother uses guilt trips all the time. Before I was paying attention to this I didn't even realize how often. For example, my birthday is in three days and I asked her if I could go see a friend for a few hours. She got really mad at me and said, "You mean you'd rather spend it with her than with us?" Now, come on. It was only a few hours and we weren't doing anything then. Half my family wouldn't even be home when I was planning on going out.
She only thinks about how things affect her. When I was little and used to ask her for advice, she would be like, "Why does this always have to happen to me?!" So you feel bad for asking for help...
She accuses me if yelling at her or using a tone when I am not. Today she told me to quit yelling at her, but my dad was in the next room and came in and told her I wasn't yelling, I was talking in a normal voice.
If I side with my dad in an argument, she gets mad at me and says it is because I love him more than her.
She sometimes talks to me when she is upset about something, but seems somewhat annoyed when I ask her.
She got shingles a while ago, which is a stress related illness. She blamed it on the stress we give her. It was so hard to watch her in bed and in pain and be told that you were the cause.
As for some of my own symptoms, I apologize for everything. I have low self-esteem and I have a hard time asking for help from friends because I feel very guilty for taking up their time. I have a fear of abandonment. I am so afraid that people are going to leave me and I will be alone.
First of all, shingles is caused by a VIRUS. When our immune system is low, we're more vulnerable to having it effect us and stress can lower the protective ability of the immune system.
But no one can inflict shingles on someone else through stress.
Second ---- can you connect with the health office in your school and talk with someone. You need support.
You described my mother, in many ways. She has some obvious issues. You might want to read about narcissists.
You can not change her. You can only work on yourself. And you're almost to an age where you can care for yourself as an adult. I urge you to find someone in the nurse's office or guidance counselor, who'll be able to talk with you as a means of therapeutic counseling.
Okay? Please take good care.
Ilene
You don't deserve to be treated this way. My parents were abusive and I have always had low self-esteem. It's hard, but go ahead and try to accept a little support from people you trust.
You might not really be able to talk to your mom about this because she might not be receptive, but she is not your responsibility. You can work on yourself and take care of yourself the best you are able. Try to find counseling with a really nice person - you can also call hotlines - they will almost always talk to you about whatever and are free. Even if this isn't something you have access to now, consider it for the future.
Just know that it's NOT your fault. You mom has her own problems and is dealing with them inappropriately.
This forum is really supportive, I'm glad you shared your story here. I also like the Personality Disorders forum. I have BPD (borderline personality disorder) and it's great to be able to vent on there. BPDs also have abandonment fear. It's nice to hear from people who know what it's like.
Take care!
I too took care of my mom emotionally too. I learned real early that if I wanted her in my life, I had to "squish" myself by not being needy. I don't mean too needy, I mean to have ANY needs.
I knew by 6 that if I had a need and asked her for help, it was overwhelming to her...she called it "dancing on her head". She also had 9 kids, every year and was being beaten by my dad too, so understood all of that, but it simply is not our f-in jobs to take care of our parents. It's their job.
Saying it doesn't make it so. Saying it's your job and not mine won't mean anything to them because they simply don't know how. Asking your mom or my mom to help literally is like asking them to fly. They simply can't. That is a fact to be accepted because otherwise, we will frustrate ourselves by constantly going to a dry well to get a drink. No matter how many times you go back to the well, it's dry and most likely, unless they get help, will stay dry.
Accepting this fact is torture and painful for kids and adults who finally come to the realization. It's not fair, it's painful and we don't deserve it. Unfortunately, it's a fact. Asking anyone to give us something they don't have to give away becomes madness and futile.
I know for me, I had to get really pissed about it, feel sorry for myself, talk about it, read about it, and ask for help. Not easy, but not impossible. Once I came to terms with what they couldn't give me, I entered a peace because I finally realized it was all them and not me. I am and you are worthy of love and acceptance for who we are. Period.
I don't know how old you are but you are extremely wise and self aware to make this statement:
"As for some of my own symptoms, I apologize for everything. I have low self-esteem and I have a hard time asking for help from friends because I feel very guilty for taking up their time. I have a fear of abandonment. I am so afraid that people are going to leave me and I will be alone."
Spoken like a true child of abuse. You've identified how it's affecting you and also, that it's a direct result of your mom and dad...I say dad, because he is not a victim here...if he is talking to you on an intimate level about what a bitch your mom can be, that is abusive. That is not a dialouge any parent should have with their kid. He's your father and good fathers don't do that.
Fear of abandonment is why I changed who I was on a daily basis, to be what she wanted and needed to be. I perfect, fun, no need kid. I played that role perfeclty to where my mom always called me her favorite. I knew if I showed her what I really was, a human being with needs, she would reject me. I knew that as a kid without question. I manipulated her to get my needs met. Of course it never really worked then, or now.
I can suggest reading Melody Beatties "Codependent No More", her first book. Your description of apologizing, walking on egg shells, low self esteem, def fits with that book. Major first, is looking at what the abuse has done to you and get help to change by reading books about child of abuse and what it does to us... because you def are being abused.
Anyway, I am so glad you shared ct because it's rare that I get to hear "my story" as it relates to me and my mom.
Good luck on your new journey...you will do awesome I can tell already...
Ilene--I am working on getting support right now, actually. And I know shingles is caused by a virus, but apparently stress is also a component?
Emotionalpat--I don't think family therapy would work well with us, however I will be going to college next year so maybe I will get something for myself there.
bitemepa--thank you for sharing your experience with me. I also want to say though, I never said anything about my dad talking on an intimate level about "what a bitch my mom can be." Sometimes he will explain things, but it isn't so much complaining as explaining what is going on. I am actually glad he does this because I don't feel like I am the only one who thinks these things...
It seems like your emotional needs weren't met with your mother, who seems like she gets her needs met. Although you said she had shingles. That is a stress related illness, so she does have stress in her life.
Ppl like this can't change. Your mother might have been spoiled when she was growing up and this is the personality that she got from that. Or there was some dysfunction growing up for her, and this is how she has become from that. You should get into some counselling, to try and deal with this abuse. It will help your self esteem. I have been to therapy and I was like you and still am at times. I don't always speak up when ppl are abusing me, and I have low self esteem from being emotionally abused as a kid. Maybe you can go with your mother if you want to try and get her to see what she does. But, I warn you, I don't think she can change. But, then I don't know you or your mother, so I could be wrong. It's worth a try.
Try and stick closer to your dad too. Good luck.