Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Okay so a little background on me. I've been in a relationship with someone I believe has Narcissistic tendencies and been emotional and mentally abused. He has 3 kids I have 2 and we lived together for about 6-7 years. During this time I was living what I thought to be a normal life. He worked first and I worked second shift, we only had one car and it saved on the babysitting. He would tell me on a regular basis in more than one way that I was never good enough. Couldn't clean enough, couldn't work enough, was't good enough at parenting and such. I always tried to push myself hard to make ends meet and keep things happy around the house. We moved into a new house in 2004-2005 and things changed. He became more angry with me (never physical but I felt threatened when he would throw things at the wall) He would get really mad at the kids over really small things. The more I tried to talk to him about it the more he ignored me. He liked his beer and liquor and of course his computer game. He started to live in those worlds instead of living the real world so he didn't have to deal with the problems at hand. A friend of his moved into the house with us for about a year and over this time he approached me and asked me why I put up with so much crap. The belittling, criticizing, the comments and such. He brought it to my attention that I should be treated better than that. The kids shouldn't be around it. Now on some level I know that I enabled him to do as much drinking and gaming as he did because I didn't put my foot down. I had a hand in it I know. But when I tried to talk with him and tried to work things out it was always met with a deaf ear. The problems I brought to him were my problems not his. If there was a problem with the house or the kids I had to deal with it. I left a few summers back and he promised he would change. I came back after almost a month because of his promise and of course within a few months he was back to his old ways. I left again the next summer 2010 and haven't moved back but have held onto the relationship. It's a 4 1/2 hours between us. I've made at least 1 trip back each month. Been trying to talk with him and I spent most of last summer over there and had him go to counseling with me to get some help. We went about 3-4 times to one counselor but I got the feeling he was using it as ways to be more manipulative with me. He's given me 2-3 ultimatums about moving back and a few days ago he told me he's done. We spent last week together (spring break) and I thought things were going good enough for us to move back this summer. We talked about plans and doing things. He's in school now for the last 10 months or so for Respiratory Therapy. He's doing really well. I on the other hand have been making ends meet by helping out with yard work with a friend and cleaning a few houses for extra cash. I have no other income as I am living with and helping out my father. I have been feeling restless because I'm not one to be so unproductive and have been wanting to make a plan on moving back and going to school myself (I could here but when I first brought it up to him I couldn't do that because I would have been planning on something that didn't involve him) I live in a bigger town here than he does and I know I have more opportunities here I just feel as tho I don't want the relationship to be over. I have loved this "man" for 16 years and this isn't the first time he's broken it off either. He's done this at least 3 times. First he said he'll call me in a few years to see where we are at, then in a few months and of course pathetic me trying to hold onto him I pretty much begged him to call me by the end of the week because I said I would move back by summer but he doesn't believe I will, I even offered to drive back with some of my stuff this weekend to "prove" to him I was serious.
I am at a loss. I am having a hard time really understanding why I can't get angry. I've never been able to really get angry at him because he's always turned it around on me. He's never taken responsibility for hat he's done, no empathy what so ever and doesn't understand my reasoning behind things at all. He'll listen but thinks I'm just crazy. I have checked and found a near by free mental health clinic as I don't have insurance and have an appointment for next week. If you can offer any advice or input I would really appreciate it.
I am at a loss. I am having a hard time really understanding why I can't get angry. I've never been able to really get angry at him because he's always turned it around on me. He's never taken responsibility for hat he's done, no empathy what so ever and doesn't understand my reasoning behind things at all. He'll listen but thinks I'm just crazy. I have checked and found a near by free mental health clinic as I don't have insurance and have an appointment for next week. If you can offer any advice or input I would really appreciate it.
If you're in Oklahoma,
call this number:
(405) 524-0700
It's your state's women's resources.
You're bonded to an abusive partner
and you need help with loving yourself
enough to totally detach and move your
life to a healthier place.
It's good that you've got an appointment
at a mental health clinic. I'm sure they'll
help you there, as well. But the women's
center will truly understand and support
you. The personnel at a mental health
clinic may or may not have the specifics
that you emphatically need.
I'd write more, but I'm on the run.
I hope you'll take very good care
of yourself.
Hugs and healing thoughts.
I suggest you take a good hard look at what you are getting out of this relationship, and if the good thing about it are things you would get out of any relationship, or are unique to this one.
I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I know how hard it is to let go. Do go see a mental health specialist. You might need a little "chemical" help and don't think for a second that means you are a weak person. It means you are a person that recognizes when you need help and goes to get it. That is called strength.
It breaks my heart to read these thoughts of yours that are so down on yourself. Yet what I see is a woman who is capable and independent and resilient.
This man criticizes you, belittles you, hurts you. But you have been conditioned to think that this is love. It is not. You say you had a hand in it. How? Your protests fall on deaf ears. He does not care that he hurts you. That is not love. You are not to blame for his behavior. If it is not one thing, it will be another, because he is an abuser. He will do what he wants to do, because he is an abuser. You have no control. He will avoid reality, game and drink if he wants. That is HIS problem, not yours. YOU were and are successfully raising kids and keeping the house together and working. YOU were acting like an adult. YOU were doing the heavy lifting. YOU were doing it. HE was acting like a child. From where I stand YOU are the hero here.
Please keep reading this message board. Read everything that these wise women have to say (especially that one about NOT going to couples counseling). Read everything you can find on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, too. Read Lundy Bancroft. His books are very helpful.
BTW, you are being productive. You are helping your father and you are helping yourself by being on your own and getting yourself together and doing the best you can for your kids. You're the hero. So be good to yourself.
Hugs. L4S