Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I just really need to get this out and I don't have anyone I feel like I can talk to. May 17th will be 2 years since I left my abusive ex. We were together for 3 years and at the time had a 9 month old daughter together. He had always been verbally and emotionally abusive, but the physical abuse got worse and happened more often. The last time was horrible, involved my 4 year old son, and ended with him being charged with a misdemeanor and 3 felonies, aggrivated assault with a deadly weapon being the worst. He took a plea to a class 6 felony for disorderly conduct and got sentenced to 3 years supervised probation, and spent 2 months in jail. I haven't heard from him since the day he was arrested and the no contact order went into place and has been in place.
I'm so torn in how I feel. A couple of weeks ago I learned he had filed to terminate his probation early. The fear of him being able to contact me again overwhelmed me. I moved across the country to get away from him, but it still doesn't feel like I'm far enough away that he couldn't hurt me.i have filed for another protective order just in case the judge grants his motion. I also wrote an impact statement for the judge and I hope like hell he doesn't let him off.
My problem is that a big part of me still misses him. It isn't that I want to be with him again, at least I don't think that's what it is. The thought of him ever getting our daughter scares the hell out of me. He hasn't seen her since I left and he hasn't tried. I assume he knows what would happen if he were to try while he is on probation. This situation has brought it all to the surface for me. I have made a good life for myself and my kids. We are happy, healthy, and most importantly safe. I feel so guilty for missing someone who did the things he did to me. It makes me feel like I am broken, because surely anyone couldn't miss someone 2 years later. Someone who beat me repeatedly, held a loaded gun to my head more than once, left me with a broken collar bone and ruptured ear drum.
I can't talk about this with my family because I don't want them to think I'd ever go back. I wont. If for no other reason than I know the kids and I deserve better than that. But my god I miss him so much sometimes that it takes my breath away. It is such a strange feeling to be terrified of seeing someone again, while the same time wishing more than anything that you could.
I think it's normal to miss them. (Kind of). I really REALLY hate my soon to be ex. But part of me is sad. I don't miss him. But I miss what should have been. I miss those moments that were good. And I wonder why they couldn't have all been good.
I'm glad you were able to get away safely and move far away. Kudos! to you for being so proactive against the early termination of his probation. I think dispite "missing" him your resolve remains to stay strong in protecting yourself and your little family against him.