Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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stacyleanne 03/09/2011

I am new to the sight. Mostly trying to find some validation that I am right about this past relationship I just ended about 4 days ago. It was off and on for about 2 years. He told me he loved me, took care of me when i was sick and was always there when I REALLY needed him. But I recently found some suggestive proof that he had not been totally faithful to me. He always said he was a "private" person so I didn't know too much about his past and I accepted that. He also had this deal about not always revealing who he was with and where. He would always tell me that things were just none of my business and I was too nosy. He never hit me or even degraded my body, in fact, he always told me how beautiful I was.

But what hurt were the "small" things:

* telling me I was childish.
* I was too sensitive.
* I had an attitude any time I would say something slightly sarcastic to him.
* Getting mad when I wouldn't answer his texts (even when I was at work).
*Telling me I worked out wrong.
*Telling me my friends were wrong.
*Telling me I ate gross food.
*I watched stupid tv shows.
*I fidget too much during movies.
*He always had to be right.
*He could never apologize for anything.
*He never validated my hurt feelings.

and more. But here is my issue. I know looking at it in writing it was abusive. But I don't feel I fit the stereotype of an abuse victim. I come from a great family, I'm independent, Smart, Drive etc... so I think. Its not abuse I just overreacted and i get sad about missing the good times. This is hard.

deleted_user 03/09/2011

The sterotypes about abuse victims are usually wrong, look a me for example, I seem like a happy-go-lucky kind of guy, I was good at my job (even though I hated it), always a smile on my face. Anyone can be an abuse victim and when it's emotional abuse you can spend years second guessing yourself, I know I did. You really should find a good councelor in your area and talk this through. It will help a lot.

stacyleanne 03/09/2011

Thanks for the advice. I actually have my first appointment tomorrow. I'm very ready for it.

deleted_user 03/09/2011

Good to hear, sometime just being able to talk in a safe enviroment can make a huge difference. If you feel comfortable talking to your family that may also be of help. I hope you can get past all this quickly and find the healthy happy relationship you deserve.

rcr 03/09/2011

I also thought I didn't 'fit' the victim image and that my ex didn't fit the 'abuser' image. I have a master's degree, hold a very sought-after job, lived a good lifestyle, etc. He was well-liked by everyone, had the same job for over 30 years and the guys who worked under him really admired and respected him, he has lots of money, is handsome and charming.

I have been out for two years and I am just now starting to understand that he really did abuse me. I have known for a long time that he fit all the signs of a classic abuser... but I just kept thinking that 'it was just his personality to be like that' or 'that his job was stressful so he was like that' or other excuses. For some reason I just could not wrap my brain around the fact that he was an abuser and I was a victim. It is still hard to say but it is true.

I still get sad about missing the good times - we had a lot of them with lots of toys and lots of fun vacations. However.... the price I paid for those fun times was not worth it. I lost myself over those 13 years and I still have a lot of work to do to find myself again.

But it is so nice to not worry about doing something that will make him mad and not feel like a zero because of how he treated me sometimes.

Love makes you feel good about yourself. Love lets you live a happy life. Love lets you be you.

stacyleanne 03/09/2011

Thanks! It really does help to hear that I'm really not "too sensitive" and that this is legit.

Livndadrem 03/09/2011

Oh how I hate the words "too sensitive". If you had a broken arm, would that mean it was ok for the person who professed to love you to hit you repeatedly on that arm, because "well if it wasn't broken, it wouldn't hurt"? Surely someone who loved you would be extra gentle with that arm, because it's broken? There is no such thing as "too" sensitive. IF you are sensitive, that just means someone who loves you needs to take extra care not to hurt you. You are who you are - if he doesn't like your sensitivity, he shouldn't have been with you in the first place. If he does, then he needs to nurture it.

Last year, for the first time in my life, I came across someone for whom my sensitivity was seen as a virtue to be cherished, rather than a flaw to be exploited and ridiculed.

I value my sensitivity. I'll never again be with someone else who doesn't.

wvartgirl 03/10/2011

I think there are many of us here who don't fit the stereotype of someone who has been abused. I came from a normal, loving family and and educated and intelligent. But yeah, I ended up in an abusive marriage. It can happen to the best of us. Abusers can be soooo charming when they want to be.

Good for you for ending your relationship, he sounds like Mr. Critical, Cranky, and Controlling. It would have only gotten much worse had you stayed with him. That secretive element of his is also very troubling.

Hugs to you and welcome to our group.

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