Emotional abuse is a form of abuse. It is very bit as damaging as other forms of abuse such as physical abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse-it is not a "lesser form" of intimate partner violence.

In my mind, since emotional abuse can be so subtle, and somewhat hard to differentiate for many people from some poor interpersonal skills a lot of what I look at are the RESULTS of the behaviors in the target of abuse. I look at confusion-which is practically universal. Do you feel like you are crazy, or that you might be at fault for the majority of the problems in the relationship because your partner tells you that, even though something just feels "wrong" about that perspective-which makes you feel confused, like what you feel is real is not real? Do you find yourself continually focused on your partner almost to the exclusion of yourself, thinking about what he would want to you to do, if he will be unhappy with you for your choices, how to influence what his (I'm assuming it's a man) mood will be? How does the relationship make you feel about yourself? Do you constantly feel not good enough? Like there is just some unnameable, vague thing "wrong" with you, like you are incapable, unlovable, like all your efforts fall short of what you are "supposed" to be? Like you need his guidance to able to function well? Do you feel anxious, depressed? Irritable, angry?

I actually I have run, or I'd say more, but those are some questions you may want to ask yourself. Abuse is all about CONTROL, and POWER, at it's core. It's about someone forcing inequities in a relationship through a variety of tactics. I don't know if this describes some of what you are experiencing.

If you wanted to tell us some of what is happening that makes you consider you are being emotionally abused maybe we can help more. When you've lived through it, it makes it very easy to spot.

Welcome to the forum,
though I'm sorry for the
circumstances that
have brought you here.

Emotional abuse is very,
very real abuse.

Emotional abuse is the
foundation of pretty much
every other kind of abuse.

Emotional abuse is not
only every bit as serious
as any other form of abuse,
emotional abuse is just
as dangerous as can
injure and end in
mortality the same
as physical abuse.

There are many signs
and indicators of emotional
abuse, the fundamental one
being that there's a pattern
of behavior by one person
that undermines the
reality and inner experience
of the target of the person
perpetrating the abuse.

Did you read the list of
traits of an emotional
abuser somewhere
on-line? If so, do you
have the URL of the
page which you found?

How long have you known
your spouse? How long
have you been married?

What are the things you've
experienced in your relationship
that have caused you discomfort
or pain?

Your profile says that you're
trying to live a healthy lifestyle
to the best of your ability. What
do you mean by that?

If you're out there researching
emotional abuse, it's very likely
that you're experiencing abuse.

Here:

tel: 406-443-7794
toll free: 888-404-7794

are the numbers for
women's resources
in your state.

By the way, is your internet use
private and secure from surveillance?

Please try and practice
SELF-CARE.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better days.

I see a lot of what you say in my relationship. I was young and oh so naive when we got married. We have now been married for 4 years and recently he was very mean and physical, and at first I thought I deserved it, but the more research I have done, the more I have realized that it wasn't my fault and it is abuse that has been progressing.
He is emotionally unavailable to me, and calls me crazy all the time. I definitely have felt at fault for most of the relationship problems. I am not saying that all of the problems are his fault. I do doubt myself a lot, and he always criticizes me, down to the way I chop vegetables. I usually change how I do things because of him. Also, I am definitely depressed but attribute it to this relationship.

Living a healthy lifestyle means that I want to be healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, and in my relationships.

First of all, you should NEVER EVER be made to fear for your physical safety in a relationship-no matter what led up to it that is completely unacceptable, I don't know what kind of physical abuse you are referring to -but it really doesn't matter, whether it's throwing things, pushing, barring your exit, grabbing you, or hitting you your immediate safety is in jeopardy, because you can never know when it might escalate to deadly violence. Please do not minimize this, or deny the seriousness. The world is full of people who have, quite wrongly, minimized the risk to themselves and ended up seriously injured, killed, or narrowly escaping death.

All of this sounds like the fallout of abuse to me. The criticism down to cutting vegetables, yes, YES, and YES! In my abusive relationship it was constant, folding clothes had to be done a certain way, cutting vegetables (he'd usually get so frustrated with my inability that he would take over), I had to use specific cleaning products, and every time I took initiative and decided how I was going to do something and it was "wrong" there was this veiled contempt and disapproval, like it was so clear what I was doing was stupid that it was an irritation he had to explain something to me that was so obvious. Very subtle, but very effective at making me feel incompetent and dependent. And it allowed him to feel superior and in control. He used to call it "Schooling" me, as if he was doing it for my own good, like a parent would for a child or a teacher would for a student. Over time this consistent, daily undermining of my autonomy and trust in my ability to make even the simplest of decisions was one of the MOST damaging abuse tactics (out of many) that he used, because it slowly wore down my self worth.

I changed everything about how I did things over time to the point I could no longer remember what it felt like to do what I thought needed to be done, or even remember how to chose to decide for myself something that needed done, because I was conditioned to think about how he would tell me to do it to avoid the criticism. Of course, truth is I could never avoid it-the minuet I thought I was doing everything the way he would have wanted it he just moved the goal posts. I thought I was avoiding the conflict but he'd just find another way to make me feel less than him.

Calling you crazy all the time, typical abuse tacit. I am guessing when he's calling you crazy this has to do your feelings or perceptions? You feel hurt, or untrusting, or angry-you're crazy, right? You're just wrong-you have no reason to get hurt when he does XYZ, or suspect he's lying, or get angry-you are crazy for thinking or feeling that-too emotional, all drama or oversensitive or something to that effect. Or he never said such and such that you specifically remember he said, or you just have a bad memory, you think he said something he never said, or forgot you agreed to what he wanted, or forgot you promised him something you don't remember promising.....any of that sound familiar? It's called gaslighting or crazymaking-meant to make you doubt yourself so you'll rely on your abuser instead of feeling you can make your own decisions, make you feel unbalanced. Sometimes they'll even go as far as hiding your keys or your phone while you go crazy looking for them. Items ever end up "missing?"

Withholding intimacy is often done in abusive relationships because the abuser is trying to punish the victim for something specific - like getting the silent treatment when you've done something to upset him,or because they simply are disinterested in meeting their partner's needs. Feeling like a relationship is the cause of your depression is cause for concern.

Please consider calling some of the resources Ilene mentioned, continue to learn about abuse-consider a safety plan as well. Come here whenever you need validation, information, support. I believe based on what little you've said that you are being abused, and it is NOT your fault!

"""""""""""""""""" Living a healthy lifestyle means that I want to be healthy physically, mentally, emotionally, and in my relationships. """""""""""""""""""""


That's an excellent goal.

My concern was that in your profile,
it sounded as if there might be
serious impediments to doing
that, based on how you worded
what you said.

And based on what you've
written in this thread, there
do indeed, seem to be some
serious impediments ----- the
major one being that your
marriage is abusive.

I hope you'll consider
calling the numbers
I shared with you, in
my previous response.

Also, do a search, both
on this forum and beyond,
regarding SELF-CARE.

Finally ----- if you can do
this exercise and keep
it totally private and out
of the hands of your
spouse, try doing my
Clarifying Index Card
exercise. (I'll bump
the thread, for you .)

Okay, let's play devil's advocate...

What are the sources of your online research? If they are legitimate, then why do you doubt it? Maybe b/c he's been successful in ruining your inner voice and don't even question reality anymore. That was me...

Is there any way for you to go to a relative or family member -- even for a long weekend -- to focus and try to wrap your mind around this? It's impossible to be reflective when your abuser stamps out any insight you have as soon as it comes.

Hugs.

Omg, mine used to shout at me for the way I cut up carrots! He said that our kids would never know what shape a carrot is because I always cut them in half! (He doesn't cook.)

Two of the best resources I had for validation of the abuse were youarenotcrazy.com and the book by Lundy Bancroft entitled 'Why Does He Do That?'

What you guys are saying sounds a lot worse than what I am going through. I think he might be somewhat abusive, but he hasn't gotten that bad yet. He is really controlling of things, like I have to keep the house a certain temperature, and can't open the damper on the stove past a certain point or he does get really angry and shout. After four years I have finally convinced him to let me change the thermostat. He does question almost everything I do, though. Do you think it is possible for me to confront him about it? When he leaves home in the morning, and says do something productive today, is that wrong? It kind of seems like he thinks I never do anything all day. Also, if I try to hug him he does push me away, and his tv shows always seem more important than me. I can't talk during the show, some nights we never talk. He also says "that's what normal people do," to me a lot. But I think, that is about the extent of it, until the other day, he trapped me in the bedroom, because I was upset from becoming estranged from my parents, and I was crying, and he told me to go to bed, that if I was going to act like a child, I was going to be treated like a child, and he wouldn't let me out of the room. That's what made me think that maybe he is abusive. That he can't reciprocate affection, and that he might have been somewhat abusive all along. But I really feel bad, like I owe him for putting me through school and providing for me all of this time. I feel like I should just be what he wants. idk :( I love him and care for him, and want to meet his needs and this is so hard. I don't have family that I can lean on. They were somewhat abusive when I was a kid, so I jumped into this marriage to get away from them. :(

You in are a phase of denial and minimization everyone who has been abused goes through to some extent, and it is made even more possible by the fact you had abusive parents, and can't see the HUGE difference between what is healthy in a relationship and what is ABUSE because there's no frame of reference for you. I also know how devastating and scary it must be to go from an abusive childhood to have to face the reality that the life partner you chose is abusive too.

His abuse is EVERY BIT as bad as the abuse we describe-it's practically the same thing!!! He is treating you like a child, not just with what he said that night you were upset, but with the control over the thermostat and stove, and I'd bet there's more too, those are just the ones that irritate you the most. The comments about "be productive today" -it's the same kind of stuff we are describing that we lived through and it's abusive.

The thing with the night you were upset-that makes it crystal clear that you are not dealing with "abusive behaviors" but an ABUSER. Not someone who's having bad day, not good with showing affection (by the way-his withholding affection like he does is a seriously damaging abuse tactic), or has some OCDish tenancies-but a full on mind set of a seriously abusive person.

What happened that night is this: You had a display of emotion that made it clear you needed help and comforting. This display of emotion was a conflict for him-because he KNEW he was supposed to act in a certain way (show compassion and give support and affection) and he hates to do such things-he wants you to take care of his needs while he takes care of which needs of yours he feels like taking care of. It infuriated him that you might expect something from him that he has a selfish aversion to giving. He HATED that he felt like he was SUPPOSED to do something that he DID NOT WANT to do. So, to resolve that feeling of guilt, and still not have to give what he didn't want to give he turned to victim blaming-calling you a child and indicating you had no right to your feelings because he didn't want to be bothered by them. Even worse than that he allowed his rage over his conflict to punish you by trapping you in a room-which is unacceptable, physical abuse!

This abuse is every bit as bad as what we experienced. It's not "kind of abusive" or "somewhat abusive" it is clearly and severely abusive. And it's escalating, and it will continue to escalate.

What cant said.

And one way to get it to escalate would be to confront him. The incident when you were upset shows that if you have any needs of your own, his abuse will escalate. Therefore, I would say that if you call him on his abuse, confront him about it, he will escalate - he will see that as challenging his inalienable right to control every aspect of your life, down to your feelings about your parents, and so he will have to quash that little rebellion.

Yes, please be careful about confronting him. I strongly believe it will not do you any bit of good what-so-ever (it would be a good thing to do if he was not an abuser-but as an abuser....) it will likely cause that escalation in abuse Livn described.

Also, that thing with not being able to talk during TV shows-I got that one too. Or if we went to a sporting event together I was not allowed to talk. I remember we went to a basketball game and got there quiet early-I remembered being quite shocked that I was not even allowed to talk during pre-grame. The game hadn't even started!

He IS saying the TV is more important than you, and it should NEVER be. And none of what he is doing is a "normal" healthy relationship. You KNOW it doesn't feel right to you, don't you think normal would make you feel normal and healthy instead of depressed?

You do NOT owe him anything but love, respect, affection and fidelity. And you have given him these things, and what are you getting back? Are you getting back as much as you are giving? Sounds like an inequitable relationship. No amount of "stuff" or security, or money can equal being treated like you deserve. It does not compensate for poor treatment. If I asked you if I could pay you a million dollars to be treated like half a person for the rest of your life, and never know happiness until the day you died, would you take my deal? I doubt it.

And here's a little secret he won't let you in on but I will,not only will it make you miserable to try and be what he wants to be, because you'll never get any of your own needs met that way-but you'll never be able to be what he wants you to be. You will never measure up, as soon as you think you've gotten down what he wants-he'll just change or up his expectations.

Of course he's not a horrible, evil, monster who is terrible all the time. No one would stay with someone like that. But he is an abuser, as I'm sure you'll come find on your own. I just hate to see someone who deserves better go through that.

I know how you feel. Even the...it's not as bad as the things they describe. I'm probably still in the denial stage too. But they're right. It doesn't get better even if you "talked" to him about it.

There's always something. How to cut the vegetables. How to sweep the floor. Today I asked him to turn up the temp in the car and he tried to tell me why it wasn't necessary. We even have dual settings... I just wanted to change it for the back seats not his. It's always constructive criticism. Helpful advice because his way of doing it is more effective. (Yeah right)

I even feel like I owe him. He's provided so much. So comes the confusion. Maybe it's me. I'm ungrateful and can't handle criticism. But I know it's not normal...the way he treats me. I never did anything to deserve it. I am a good supportive wife. Provided the things he needed. Tried to improve the things he wanted. Then he would just find something else to criticize.

It's wrong for him to shut you in your room. Even if you were acting childishly in his opinion. You're still an adult and a human with your own rights.

The others have provided you with a lot of great advice. I'm not good with providing advice...just support of knowing I'm in the same place and I understand. :-)

Sweetie -----

EVERYTHING you've described
in this thread

is ABUSE.


You don't have to believe
us if you're not able to at
this moment.

Call one of those numbers
I gave you and share with
them what you've told us.
See what THEY say.

And when they tell you
you're being abuse, if
you're not ready, you
don't even have to
believe them, either.

Here's the one you
need to believe. . . .
your GUT.

You are researching
abuse because you
know in your gut
that you're being abused.

You're posting on a
forum for survivors of
abuse because you
know in your gut
that you're being abused.

You KNOW.

You really, truly KNOW.

But the truth is such a
sad thing to acknowledge
that despite your gut knowing,

you don't WANT to know.

(That's called
"cognitive dissonance.")


DON'T CONFRONT HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


What you've already experienced
will be NOTHING compared to
what he comes out with
when he gets the news
that you're onto him.

Here's the "101" on abusers:

They can't be "reached" with
rationality and facts.

They can't be informed
with either facts or
emotional pleas
for reciprocity.

When confronted they
will escalate their behavior.
If they were fundamentally
verbally abusive before,
they'll start throwing things,
smashing things, kicking
things. (This is all called
"symbolic violence." It's
a message to their victim
to stop the opposition
now or the next kick or
punch could connect
with YOU.)

If they were symbolically
violent before, they may
well escalate the violence
from symbolic to physical.

Confrontation does NOT
benefit the target of abuse.
It typically puts her at
greater risk.

Please keep learning more
and as you do, keep what
you learn TO YOURSELF.

DON'T share anything
you find out, with him.

You won't "reach" him
with this information.

Keep reading and
keep posting.

And every hour of
every day, make
sure you take
good care of
yourself.