Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My daughter has a chronic cough, I don't know for what, she has had it all her life, and she goes to the clinic off/on and all they give her is cough medicine and send her home.
I asked her to go get it checked again, and she shook her head and said I refuse.
I am at my wit's end, she coughs and coughs and coughs all night and keeps us awake all night and then sleeps all day, and it starts all over again.
I love my daughter and want her to get help for this problem. She doesn't seem to get that its making all of us miserable and lose lots of sleelp over it. And the more I complain about it, the worse the cough gets. Idk if it's intentional or chronic.
I am losing my patience with her and she is 19 and I am her mother, but her self care is not my responsibility but when it is affecting my health and my rest it becomes my problem too.
My other problem is my man is complaining too. He cusses and complains and won't say anything to her, but says when he get a job she is either going to move or get help for that cough!
ugh!!!! I even agree with him. It's keeping my children and me up all hours of the night, and my children need there rest for school and I have to be at work at 8 in the morning.
I am a grumpy woman when I don't get my rest. I guess just looking for support here.
It just hard for me to keep the peace when so many people in my house are trying to be the head honcho.
Also I bought a xbox 360 for everyone in the house, but I have yet to use it. It's been in my sons room since we got it. and that is also another thing keeping us up all hours of the night. And my son's been getting really testy with me, like answering back when i tell him to do something, and not doing what I say when I say to do stuff. I usually try to tell him nicely, and then keep asking and asking and then I start yelling at him to do what I asked. He is having trouble with his teachers at school, and I really am at my wits end with everyone. I try to get everyone to come out and talk everything out, but they all go in there rooms and shut the door when I try to talk to them.
Its so frustrating to have boundaries and rules set in my house only to have them broken or disrespected.
I don't want to make my daughter leave, but when she is around she causes a lot of dysfunction. I know I was praising her the other day, but this is the other side that no one else sees. Everyone thinks I am just being a hard *** on her. But she is lazy, and disrespectful, and expects everything to be given to her on a platter.
I try to be there for her as best I can, but yet I have my three younger children to take care of. It is heartbreaking that I have to turn her away sometimes, but I have to because I need time for my minor children, she is an adult and should act like one.
There is so much more to this story.
I told my man, I need to do more for her, I need to help her get on her feet. I need to drive her to get applications and help her get them filled out. He said no, she is an adult she need to do all that her self.
I guess my question here is what is healthy boundary for me to set?
Do I just let her do it all herself or is it safe for me to help her? I love her and want to help but am not sure I am going to be able to help her with out her taking advantage of me.
She told me yesterday, "I am ready to face my demons and go to counseling, when are we going to family counseling"
UM,,,,in my thinking counseling is for self and not for the other person. I want to go to counseling, but for me.
It was the way she said that. It made me feel like I was being told she was ready to go to counseling so she could tell me what was wrong with me. I believe her past abuse has made her an abuser. And I have felt her wrath for so many years, and have tried to set my boundaries with her, and yet feel like her victim still to this day.
sorry this is so long, I tried to get her to come on here, and she still hasn't yet.
Maybe I will suggest it to her again. I am afraid that she will know its me I did use my name as my profile name.
I asked her to go get it checked again, and she shook her head and said I refuse.
I am at my wit's end, she coughs and coughs and coughs all night and keeps us awake all night and then sleeps all day, and it starts all over again.
I love my daughter and want her to get help for this problem. She doesn't seem to get that its making all of us miserable and lose lots of sleelp over it. And the more I complain about it, the worse the cough gets. Idk if it's intentional or chronic.
I am losing my patience with her and she is 19 and I am her mother, but her self care is not my responsibility but when it is affecting my health and my rest it becomes my problem too.
My other problem is my man is complaining too. He cusses and complains and won't say anything to her, but says when he get a job she is either going to move or get help for that cough!
ugh!!!! I even agree with him. It's keeping my children and me up all hours of the night, and my children need there rest for school and I have to be at work at 8 in the morning.
I am a grumpy woman when I don't get my rest. I guess just looking for support here.
It just hard for me to keep the peace when so many people in my house are trying to be the head honcho.
Also I bought a xbox 360 for everyone in the house, but I have yet to use it. It's been in my sons room since we got it. and that is also another thing keeping us up all hours of the night. And my son's been getting really testy with me, like answering back when i tell him to do something, and not doing what I say when I say to do stuff. I usually try to tell him nicely, and then keep asking and asking and then I start yelling at him to do what I asked. He is having trouble with his teachers at school, and I really am at my wits end with everyone. I try to get everyone to come out and talk everything out, but they all go in there rooms and shut the door when I try to talk to them.
Its so frustrating to have boundaries and rules set in my house only to have them broken or disrespected.
I don't want to make my daughter leave, but when she is around she causes a lot of dysfunction. I know I was praising her the other day, but this is the other side that no one else sees. Everyone thinks I am just being a hard *** on her. But she is lazy, and disrespectful, and expects everything to be given to her on a platter.
I try to be there for her as best I can, but yet I have my three younger children to take care of. It is heartbreaking that I have to turn her away sometimes, but I have to because I need time for my minor children, she is an adult and should act like one.
There is so much more to this story.
I told my man, I need to do more for her, I need to help her get on her feet. I need to drive her to get applications and help her get them filled out. He said no, she is an adult she need to do all that her self.
I guess my question here is what is healthy boundary for me to set?
Do I just let her do it all herself or is it safe for me to help her? I love her and want to help but am not sure I am going to be able to help her with out her taking advantage of me.
She told me yesterday, "I am ready to face my demons and go to counseling, when are we going to family counseling"
UM,,,,in my thinking counseling is for self and not for the other person. I want to go to counseling, but for me.
It was the way she said that. It made me feel like I was being told she was ready to go to counseling so she could tell me what was wrong with me. I believe her past abuse has made her an abuser. And I have felt her wrath for so many years, and have tried to set my boundaries with her, and yet feel like her victim still to this day.
sorry this is so long, I tried to get her to come on here, and she still hasn't yet.
Maybe I will suggest it to her again. I am afraid that she will know its me I did use my name as my profile name.
As for the boundaries. You need to set them and stick to them. Be clear about them, make sure everyone in the house knows about them, and consequences of not respecting them and carry it out. Take the Xbox out of the bedroom and give everyone a time when they can use it, but they must return it to you before bedtime. My son has an Xbox that is always in his bedroom. He is only allowed to put it on at 8 pm or once he has finished studying, whichever is later, and switch it off at 10pm. He knows if he doesn't follow this, he loses the Xbox. He has never broken this rule because he knows I mean it.
It is a fine line between helping and enabling. As far as her aps go perhps have her fill them out and then you can look them over together for completeness?
Any good counselor will not let her sit there and abuse you and list everything you did wrong...however, sounds like you both could use a mediator to learn communicate with eachother.
I wish I had something more for you.
Seawee
Its always hard to know where the border is healthy and unhealthy, I guess if a person feels uncomfortable or put out that is unhealthy.
I guess writing it down and looking at it helps too. And hearing others perspective is good too.
So keep the comments coming. :)
I'd try to narrow it down to a few jobs that she thinks she will stick to and will and is able to keep, then apply so uvdont waste your time. I bet once she's working, she'll be home less, not laying around, and ur old man will hv less to bitch about.
I wd say to keep talking...or on the flip side..say..I'm not going to talk with you if you have an attitude. Take away the Xbox if he doesn't listen to set boundaries. Easier said than done, especially as a single parent n all u really want us some peace in the house n perhaps a little respect. In counseling, I learned that when my kids are disrespectful, to not internalize it, but say, that upsets me, or I don't deserve to be spoken to like that...something to get it off your chest.