does the abuse the men put on us, does it traumatize them also?
I guess the reason I am asking this, is because Sunday night when he was asleep, he kept jumping, not violently, but like his legs would jitter, and so would his arms, and he was moaning and mumbling all night, that was what was keeping me awake also, other than the trauma and soreness I went through.
But then when he was in deep sleep, he was still the same, tossing turning, than he would almost sound like he was crying.
I remember him telling me stories of how his uncles would torture him, and make him do stuff, and make him drink at young age, to toughen him up.
I told him to go to counseling, but both him and I were brought up in a mindset don't give your problems to anyone else, of course I am not that kind of person, I have to share my feelings. I need to get back into counseling.
I think it might be similar to a soldier in the army. The trauma of killing and murdering, and people hurting and dying around you, it does something to the brain.
I don't know just thoughts of him going through my mind and hoping that he gets help. I know I need to work on myself too. That is why I am here.
The sad thing is he didn't hurt me so much that I was bruised or anything, So no one could tell. But I could feel my body sore and tender where he grabbed me. I have a few scratches on my face. But not even my children saw what happened to me. There is a little bit of swell in my face, but not much.
I don't know I guess I am just rambling, not really anything, but that was a thought that went through my head. I know I will never get an apology, but he knows what he did. And I think he knows we are over. So now just to move on and make a better life for me and my children.
I'll never forget the feeling of I want so bad to get away from him, I was willing to walk the couple miles to the main road to get away from him, I don't even think his mom knows how he treats his woman, the sad thing is he uses and mistreats her to the max and she doesn't even see it. But I am not going to be the one to tell her, because she would have my head.
I keep replaying it in my head so I can just keep my focus on staying away.
I keep going back to that moment when he released me and I ran a few feet down the road and was shaky and scared, and wanting to run, wanting to get away, but knowing I was too sore and achy to make it very far, I begin counting, I planted my feet and started counting, and made myself connect back to myself. Then I made myself cry and went back into his arms and held on with all my might. I made myself tell him how sorry I was and that I would never make him angry like that again. He held me so lovingly, so tight, and it felt so good to be there in his arms like that. I wanted that moment right there to go on forever. But deep in my mind I had to hang onto the abuse, I had to hang on to the anger, I had to betray myself and all that I wanted in my heart. I had to be two different people at this time. I had to be the jekyll/hyde this time. For three long days I had to be loving and nurturing and listen to him go up/down with rage to super nice. I had to listen to his image of me, you don't have any brains, you don't think, but I love you. you are such an airhead, but I love you. Also he was comparing me to someone all weekend, and I caught it. He thinks that I didn't but it was behind all his accusations.
my mind is empty now, I will post more later. luv n ((hugs))