I don't know who's heard this story and I don't remember where I read it. Could have been on here.. anyway,I think it goes something like this... A man held up a hundred dollar bill and asked an audience, "who wants this hundred dollar bill?" And they all raised their hands. Then he took it and crumpled it up in his hands, and then asked again... and everyone raised their hands. Then he took it and threw it on the floor and stomped all over it and then picked it up and asked again...and everyone in the audience raised their hands. Then he took it and tore it in half and asked again...and everyone raised their hands.

As for the Lord? In my personal belief, we have choices to walk in faith, or walk in fear. And we will face the consequences of those choices. Reep what we sow so to speak.

If you choose to turn to an abuser for that false sense of love or security, then you're not walking towards the Lord for that. Trusting. You're putting your heart in your abusive boyfriends hands instead.

So maybe feeling disconnected spiritually or not seeming to find that peace or joy, might have something to do with those kinds of choices?

You know, fear is an illusion. I like that saying, "Fear knocked and Faith answered, and there was nobody there." I heard that from Joyce Myers on tv today and last night at my AA meeting.

Anyway, I hope I gave you a little food for thought. That's all I got at the moment.smiles and hugs

The fact that you have been in an abusive relationship does not make you damaged goods. It makes you a strong person to have endured what you have been through. It makes you caring and loving to stick with someone even when they do not deserve you. I am glad to hear that you live on your own, and I hope you can find a way out, if that's what you desire.

As for religion, I am a Christian. I believe that God is always there with us, even when we don't see it.

I want to have faith so bad, It has to feel great that u are not totaly alone and your life has meaning. I have never had it. But I do so want it.

I totally understand because I've moved away twice and went back from the sheer loneliness and missing my abusive partner. Your faith needs to come from within but its' understandable your questioning things as you've suffered, but nobody on earth is excluded from suffering, none of us. Maybe you can find a different church to attend that feels more supportive and align with your values. Look around for different churches.

I guess this all came from this girl I work with for the past nine months. She was actually on a super popular reality TV show and was labeled as a street preacher actually. She's is really honest and sweet but has had to face some really hard situations and her faith is what saves her. I think she has a ton of grace and want to believe and truly hear what she says about Jesus, like cntry talked about... But while i'm listening I almost become defensive and maybe jealous that its so easy for them. Jesus isn't paying my student loans or helping me not have panic attacks. Did I do something to deserve my crappy situation? Is this why I can not "feel close" to Jesus. I guess it is more about being happy in myself than looking outward, I just want what everyone else wants I think.

Hello sunsets1386, Blessed wishes as you walk through this seemingly endless valley in your life. I hear you when you talk about wanting to feel the faith that we are taught can move all the mountains that are blocking the spiritual sunshine.

I too grew up in the church, attended catholic school. Now I still attend church - even teaching sunday school. I love when you said, "I experience[d] more judgmental and cruelty and importance of materialism and money and status in the church than we did outside of it" because I couldn't agree more! (Sadly, I have years and years of examples to back this up.) That being said, however, I always remind myself that my religious beliefs and practices are out of God's love for me, my love for God and not peoples' acceptance or approval.

Based on what I've learned over the years: 1) Our faith in God (in this case Jesus - but it could be any spiritual discipline) comes, not from us, but from the divine source itself. So it might help to give yourself a few minutes each day to set aside just for cultivating your spirituality. I am not pushing any specific religion here (although I have had the occasional street-preacher, salvation-army-bell-ringing fantasy myself . . .lol) this is more a universal principle than anything else.

2) Simply ask God to help increase your faith - no special words needed, just speak from your heart. 3) Read something inspirational and write down any comments, questions or concerns that you have for the big G-o-d.

4) Lastly, and I think most helpfully, I have to continuously remind myself that *faith is not a feeling * . In many ways, it is the exact opposite of emotions. Faith means deciding to believe that God is with us every moment, taking care of us every day and teaching us something in every single situation. This is even - especially - when what I see, hear, feel etc tells me the exact opposite is "true". In many ways, faith is the spiritual/cosmic/supernatural equivalent of being able to see in the dark.

Please do not feel bad about how unfaithful you "feel". Your questions are so beautifully honest, and aching, that they could only have come from a pure heart and a spirit-rich soul. I have been struggling with my own questions about faith (that is l-i-f-e, my dear). Therefore, I find reminders of these basic principles are always helpful to me, no matter how much I attend church or how often I lead bible study.

Especially in light of the recent christian holiday, whenever I am feeling particularly down and really upset at how my life is going or how it is *not* going, I am reminded that Jesus himself didn't have it easy. From everything that was written or said about him, he was kind and loving to everyone, yet he suffered an agonizing death on a cross. But not even that lasted forever, the experience sowed the seeds of the faith that so many find comfort in today.

So, maybe these difficulties you are experiencing could be opportunities to sow a field of spiritual harvests to come. Continue to be honest about your frustrations and don't be afraid to address God directly about them (in pretty much the same way you made this post). In time, by some miracle, the flowers of your faith will blossom and yield an *endless* bouquet of blessings!

Look for your higher power in simple places. For me it's nature...going to the beach is a place I feel mine. God work's even if you don't see him....He knows you and exactly what you are going through and is there. Look in the things like youre financial needs unexpectedly being met, a stranger saying something kind to you....he works through other people too.
This going to sound nuts but every time my ex lied when he was using and it was serious someone,somewhere would tell me about it. I took this as God protecting me...forwarning me. I wish I could show you where he is for you.....I do know he is there even if you don't feel him right now...that's faith at it's hardest.

Its funny you mention strangers saying nice things, rarely does this happen for some reason but I actually noticed two separate occasions today where some strangers small act of kindness towards me genuinely touched me. Its like they knew I needed it somehow and I felt myself get a little bit closer to that peace I'm looking for and once knew... Thanks for the support all :)

That's awesome.....angels

@Sunsets - I'm sorry that you are experiencing this in life...it sucks and its horribly degrading to a person's self-esteem. But it isn't your fault. You aren't damaged goods or a basket case or any of those things. You're a human being reacting normally to an abnormal situation.

When it comes to faith, I like to repeat this little saying:

If you cannot find what you seek within, you shall never find it without.

Faith, God, Hope....all of that is an inside job. Looking for it outside of ourselves will never bring into our lives. When someone takes "a leap of faith" and decides to let go of controlling the outcome of a situation, something....from within...rises up and steps in to take the reigns (or the steering wheel if you prefer). In the Bible, it is written that Jesus stated, "The Kingdom of Heaven is within you." This same sentiment is found among every major religion throughout the world. "God resides in you, as you." (Buddhism)

You said it yourself : "Have I not hit my ultimate low yet, I mean I've been suicidal at times and no one was there. The only thing that got me through was myself."

YOU got you through it....YOU....that means there is something, regardless of how small it may feel or seem right now, something in you wants to live. Reach down into yourself and look for that part of you. The part that wants to live. The part that wants to be happier, healthier. And that is what you must grab onto if you seek to find faith.

As for science....quantum physicists are proving all the time that we are all made up of energy and that we have the ability to create our reality. Which means that the theory that we are all created in God's image is a truth, even though it was written in archaic terms. We come from a creative consciousness and it exists within us because it is our Source of existence. We have that power inside.

Ok....jumping down off soapbox now. Hope I didn't offend anyone. These are just my thoughts on the subject.

OK, I'll confess that I'm a "senior" so-to-speak here and I can assure you, make that ASSURE YOU, that you will not be alone in the future!

I had that false impression of myself too and I went through TWO abusive husbands (after an abusive childhood) and then my efforts to heal myself finally took hold and I grew as a person and guess what? Part of the healing was the discovery that I was a gorgeous, intelligent, witty female who could attract lots of healthy men!!

Life is far, far from over for you!

Thank you all so much for your advice, support, words, I struggle with this constantly and its really comforting to know others have and do as well :) xoxo

Hi. If that is you in the picture, I wouldn't have any doubt you can find love again however you probably need to love yourself first. I have been exactly where you are so I know what you are going though and how you feel. In all honesty, as soon as I ended my relationship of 3.5 years with my abusive narcissist ex, my anxiety went away, my joy came back, and a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I am not always the happiest because I do get lonely too but I told myself this is what you are going to do. You will not take him back, you will not even talk to him, you are moving on because there is something better out there for you and you deserve it. I started going to see lots of movies to keep myself busy, joined this group, and decided to pick my camera back up nd start taking pictures, what did you used to enjoy doing thst you put on the back burner?

I truly hope you can find your peace. Believe in yourself and stand up for what you know you deserve. I hope you make the right decisions.