My 19 year old cat Minnie passed away Sunday at 1am. I'm not even sure why which hurts. She had been recently diagnosed with diabetes which we were giving her insulin shots for. She was also diagnosed with chronic UTI and on antibiotics for 6 weeks on and off. The bleeding in her urine never stopped and she had stopped using the liter box so we took her back to the vet.

The ran a urine culture this time and did more bloodwork. The vet said her bladder was most likely inflamed causing the problem and that's why she had blood in her urine. They did x Rays and everything looked fine regarding her lungs and other organs. They said they looked remarkable for her age. She had also had a tumor removed recently. The poor girl had been in and out of the vet several times the past few months.

Last week after the culture came back with no infection the vet said antibiotics would not help and the issue was her bladder being inflamed. She had developed labored breathing which the vet said was probably from the inflamed bladder. She was put on an anti inflammory and a vitamin last Monday. Thursday she seemed to be worse so I called the vet and she suggested pain meds to go along with the anti inflammatory. The vet said it might be time to have the quality of life talk and there wasn't much else they could do for her.

I decided to give the pain meds a shot until Monday morning and then we'd take her to her vet to have her checked one last time and mostly likely put to sleep. She was staying behind her normal spot behind our couch in the living room which we never use. She had stopped coming out for her food and water so I put a bowl of water behind the couch and tried to give the meds in tuna so she'd take them.

Saturday night around 2am I went behind the couch to check on her and she was struggling to purr. I grabbed her empty plate to take it to the kitchen and she scurried after me in a hurry. She tried to go behind the washer and dryer which she'd never done. My boyfriend has said no she was probably looking for a place to pass.

I should have taken her to the emergency vet. I knew it. I knew she was dying. She went back behind the couch after sitting with me on the kitchen floor. I went to bed hoping she'd hold on for one more day. Sunday she would barely touch the tuna and her breathing sounded worse. She was trying to purr when I pet her but couldn't. She still managed to wag her tale as I talked to her. Why Why Why didn't I take her to the emergency vet.
I wanted to take her to her own vet the one that'd been taking care of her for the past few months. Even though she hated going there and was terrified of her carrier. I wanted her to go peacefully after I petted her and said good bye to her. But that's not what happened.

Sunday night around 1am I went to check on her. I petted her head and told her only 7 more hours just hang on and they'll help you. What was I thinking??? I went into the other room grabbed my prayer book, prayed to God to help her and when I went back to check on her she was gone. She had moved out from behind the couch I'm guessing to come get me but didn't make it. My poor girl. I kept screaming Minnie wake up please wake up. She was gone.

Everyone keeps telling me it's best that she passed at home but I can't accept that right now. I failed her the past few days. I let her suffer because I thought there was still hope. I also think maybe If I would have taken her Saturday or Sunday there might have been something left that the vet could do for her,

I'll never know why she died. My boyfriend just keeps saying because she was old and weak. She had gotten to the point where she was only having a bowel movement once a week. We took her to the emergency vet after she passed. The vet there assured me she didn't die because of pain, that's my biggest fear that she died from pain and suffering.
I'll never forgive myself for not taking her in on Saturday or Sunday. Ever. What if they could have done something for her and I just let her die. I'll never know and I'll never forgive myself.