Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
I knew my recovery from BPD was too good to be true. Every time things start going well, there ends up being a huge crash that undoes every bit of success I might have accomplished. It makes me wonder why I even bother.
I was diagnosed with BPD a little over a month ago and referred by my psychologist to a center that specializes in DBT. I have group therapy every Monday and individual therapy every Tuesday. For the past two weeks, in particular, I had been making excellent progress in my treatment. I was being mindful and I was successfully applying the DBT skills that I've been learning.
Then, something changed yesterday (11/13/15). It's like I've forgotten everything I've learned in therapy. I went back to old BPD habits. I kept creating bigger and bigger problems between my fiance and me, but I couldn't/wouldn't break out of the BP cycle. My fiance eventually got so mad that he took my cell phone away (because I was using it for escapism) and sent me out of the room before he said/did anything he would regret. I had the first thoughts of self-harm that I've had in two weeks, which is another disappointment. I totally failed yesterday.
I'm scared of what today will bring. I don't know what to expect. I hate the amount of FEAR that is part of my everyday life. I had gotten free of it for a couple weeks, and it was wonderfully delicious, but now I've forgotten how I did it.
I was diagnosed with BPD a little over a month ago and referred by my psychologist to a center that specializes in DBT. I have group therapy every Monday and individual therapy every Tuesday. For the past two weeks, in particular, I had been making excellent progress in my treatment. I was being mindful and I was successfully applying the DBT skills that I've been learning.
Then, something changed yesterday (11/13/15). It's like I've forgotten everything I've learned in therapy. I went back to old BPD habits. I kept creating bigger and bigger problems between my fiance and me, but I couldn't/wouldn't break out of the BP cycle. My fiance eventually got so mad that he took my cell phone away (because I was using it for escapism) and sent me out of the room before he said/did anything he would regret. I had the first thoughts of self-harm that I've had in two weeks, which is another disappointment. I totally failed yesterday.
I'm scared of what today will bring. I don't know what to expect. I hate the amount of FEAR that is part of my everyday life. I had gotten free of it for a couple weeks, and it was wonderfully delicious, but now I've forgotten how I did it.
One thing Ive discovered through my therapy is that I have absolutely zero personal boundaries.
I fail to recognize other people doing me wrong.
Please don't take this as a criticism but your fianc taking your phone away probably triggered you.
My therapist says that when people "own" me, or I perceive that they think they do, it drives me absolutely insane.
Literally.
Maybe that's whats happened here.
I actually went to my therapist this week and said "things are turning around, I don't understand why I am so depressed"
He said its because of the Legal Wranglings I have now - even though they look favorable, they represent a power struggle over my life, by other people.
Which is going to be very very difficult for me to endure.
I still don't really "get" what he means but maybe I get it more now I read your post.
When someone else takes over our lives (in this case, taking your phone) it triggers the heck out of - well me, at least, and possibly you.
When you don't understand it yourself.
This is the advice I got only this week.
I hope it helps Della. Please consider that Phone Taking is a breach of ANYONE's personal space and would trigger and annoy a saint let alone someone with a disordered emotional base!
In reading your post I see Blame, but you Blame Yourself. This may or may not be the Actual Truth.
Sometimes other people act funky to us! and our Disorders make it very hard to either recognize it or deal with it.
Don't forget your fianc also knows your triggers. Its not helpful of him to employ them.
Stand strong, none of this means he doesn't love you, just that he doesn't know better.
Maybe adding him into some therapy at some point so he can understand better how your triggers work, and support you instead of making things worse without realizing.
Good luck - I know my BPD means I can no longer trust a single soul, not enough to even kiss one let alone get engaged again!
You are probably way further ahead in your recovery than you give yourself credit for!
Ignore your screaming emotions if you can.
Its all part of healing.
I too feel Ive made No Progress, but I have, amazing progress.
It just doesn't feel that way when you're alone and the Emotional Tidal Wave hits...
Keep posting here Della. ((hugs)) You are very brave fighting what most people just ignore.