Hi, I am new to this group and Daily Strength itself.

I totally relate to everything you said. The hypervigilance, I am constantly practicing is tiring and stressful. (and I am in my own home!)

The being on my guard for any sense of criticism, imagined, or otherwise. Being on my guard for any potential mistake..checking my wallet, and other obsessive behaviour is very tiring.

And most importantly the loss of any sense of my "self".

I am sorry you feel like you do..and it is good (In my opinion) that you have spoken about it. It helps me in some ways to realise I am not alone.

Thank you for your honesty

I am so sorry you are feeling the beast chasing you down. Just check out my name. I lost myself piece by piece until I don't know who I am or what I want. Well that's not entirely true. I just want peace. I want it to be quiet in my head and my life. Yes I have tried suicide and I think about death everyday. I don't know why we are this way but normies can't possibly imagine how tiring it is being us. ((hugs))

I know how you both feel... there is always the ever-present 'option' of suicide when life gets too much to bear. I am also aware of how different I fee when I'm around others. I see the ease in which others cope with everyday things while I'm struggling just to walk out of my apartment. I too have lost touch with the only reedeemable qualities of myself which aren't stained by BP & BPD.

Thanks for sharing... take care of yourself.

Its always nice to know we are not as alone as we feel. I feel as if Im in a deep hole and watching everyone pass by freely and Im trying with all my might to climb out, but the dirt is crumbling beneath me. I know how you feel, fed up, hate having to deal with this, "why cant i just live a normal life!", constantly feel like your screaming in silence. Its hard to make it through a day just feeling good or normal. I get jealous of normies sometimes. why does this have to be my struggle? those of us living with BPD are stronger than we give ourselves credit. we've made it this far in life, we are hear to talk and about our struggles. we are given the opportunity to REALLY look at oursevles and our behaviors. most normies don't take the times to do that. Our emotions, thoughts, and behaviors may be more extreem than normies, but atleast we know we feel, we know we are human. We may not have the freedom we all desire but that makes getting there more important to us, than it is for others. I think of suicide often, because I'm tired of hurting, and tired of hurting the ones I love, tired of therapy, and daily medication, tired of feeling like Im making excuses, tired of thinking ALL THE DAMN TIME! Its so frustrating and EXHAUSTING. But I've made it through those suicidal thoughts and attempts in the past for a reason. This is my struggle in life and its my mission to learn about it and learn how to LIVE with it. Think of it as a SPIRITUAL CONQUEST! I know deep down that Im not just a crazy person, im not just mentally disabled. I'm a strong, deteremined woman, who has a greater task at hand, given these difficulties because somebody believes in me. I would not be given this struggle is my Creator did not believe I could learn, prosper, and survive.

YOU ARE STRONG, GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT, YOU ARE DOING MORE THAT YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS WORLD OR IN THIS STRUGGLE!

message me is you ever want to chat :D

Your not alone Jake, I feel many of the ways your described everyday. I wonder when life will decide to grow in me again. I just survive everyday with my thoughts wrecking havoc in my brain. Try not to beat yourself up for the hard times.

thanks for the replys guys its so good to know we are not alone i speak for all of us when in this group when i say this.. i just want to be able to stand up one day and say i beat this. but the finish line is so far away.. living over the same things truamas and dramas that has happend in are life is a nightmare.. but we are no different from anyone else. we are just not very well.. in what iv learnt in life is that life goes on after this one and thats a promise.. everyone has there own opinions on this subject but in my personal experiances i know this is the case.. and everything will be ok and fall in to place one day.. life is a spritual journey mrw3742 you are right.. if anybody in this group ever wants to talk.. you are more than welcome to add me as a friend on here or my msn. dont be a stranger.. hope everyone is ok. take care..