Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
hi
thank you for your time on reading this .
i'm new to sharing, and really need someone to talk to. you see I've never done anything like this before and reached out for help before, and am petrified. With tears, I am writing to you because it is too much for me take anymore.
I'm just over 40 years old and have lived with my mother my whole life. a miserable life. she is an angry, unreasonable, and contentious woman who is manipulative and leaves me so confused at times.
if she doesn't get her own way - a temper tantrum erupts - and she will continue yelling and repeating herself until she gets what she wants. my life has been rocked by violence - not physical abuse but emotional abuse - with aggressive, violent words, a bad temper (which anything could set her off), yelling, screaming, anger - she is always the one in control. its like walking on eggshells. she continuously blames me that's it my fault that she gets angry, never takes any responsibility, never shows remorse and never, ever apologizes. i don't know if this is bipolar. she is undiagnosed because she absolutely doesn't believe she has any problem.
it has been difficult - financially as well, and we've struggled up until recently. this has made living with her worse. within the last few years, things have turned to a positive and have recently found a good job that pays very well. I told her all about it (in hindsight, maybe shouldn't have) and now am providing her with money each month and trying to save every dollar. my whole life, I've never had any money - no savings to speak of, and was too afraid to leave and be homeless. for the first time in my life, I'm now in a position to help us both (and finally save some money) by working 3 jobs and finally have a say in my life.
Now she is asking for more money (she wants me to spend it all). she also wants to move to another more expensive apartment too with a much higher rent. we only have 3 months remaining on our current lease, yet she insists on leaving now. I'm seriously considering this so that we can finally live separately but haven't told her this yet (too scared). we had lived separately before for 8 glorious months when i returned to school to get my masters degree and lived away on campus - she didn't take that well. any new apartment for her would be a huge financial burden and will cut any possibility of saving any money.
she also keeps threatening to legally go after me and garnish my salary- she says that the government requires adult children to take care of their parents and that she will report me if i don't. legally don't really know if this is true. I have recorded this conversation (and many others too) so they are on the record. she has sued people before because she has owned her own business so she knows what she is doing.
on the one hand, as a Catholic, I feel obligated to take care of her and continuously forgive her because (as she continuously points out) she has taken care of me my whole life - and i owe her. although i've never taken any money from her so i don't owe her anything.
am unsure what to do next.
Please help if you or someone you know can offer some advice.
tks so much
bnu4
thank you for your time on reading this .
i'm new to sharing, and really need someone to talk to. you see I've never done anything like this before and reached out for help before, and am petrified. With tears, I am writing to you because it is too much for me take anymore.
I'm just over 40 years old and have lived with my mother my whole life. a miserable life. she is an angry, unreasonable, and contentious woman who is manipulative and leaves me so confused at times.
if she doesn't get her own way - a temper tantrum erupts - and she will continue yelling and repeating herself until she gets what she wants. my life has been rocked by violence - not physical abuse but emotional abuse - with aggressive, violent words, a bad temper (which anything could set her off), yelling, screaming, anger - she is always the one in control. its like walking on eggshells. she continuously blames me that's it my fault that she gets angry, never takes any responsibility, never shows remorse and never, ever apologizes. i don't know if this is bipolar. she is undiagnosed because she absolutely doesn't believe she has any problem.
it has been difficult - financially as well, and we've struggled up until recently. this has made living with her worse. within the last few years, things have turned to a positive and have recently found a good job that pays very well. I told her all about it (in hindsight, maybe shouldn't have) and now am providing her with money each month and trying to save every dollar. my whole life, I've never had any money - no savings to speak of, and was too afraid to leave and be homeless. for the first time in my life, I'm now in a position to help us both (and finally save some money) by working 3 jobs and finally have a say in my life.
Now she is asking for more money (she wants me to spend it all). she also wants to move to another more expensive apartment too with a much higher rent. we only have 3 months remaining on our current lease, yet she insists on leaving now. I'm seriously considering this so that we can finally live separately but haven't told her this yet (too scared). we had lived separately before for 8 glorious months when i returned to school to get my masters degree and lived away on campus - she didn't take that well. any new apartment for her would be a huge financial burden and will cut any possibility of saving any money.
she also keeps threatening to legally go after me and garnish my salary- she says that the government requires adult children to take care of their parents and that she will report me if i don't. legally don't really know if this is true. I have recorded this conversation (and many others too) so they are on the record. she has sued people before because she has owned her own business so she knows what she is doing.
on the one hand, as a Catholic, I feel obligated to take care of her and continuously forgive her because (as she continuously points out) she has taken care of me my whole life - and i owe her. although i've never taken any money from her so i don't owe her anything.
am unsure what to do next.
Please help if you or someone you know can offer some advice.
tks so much
bnu4
tks
At 40, you should have your own place.
Emancipate yourself. Move out and get a place. She's ruining your life. At 60 something, she should be ready for retirement- NOT sponging off her adult child.
You need to cut the chord and break free. Don't look back.
I am sure you feel in a bind, and that is the BPD dilemma. You need some help and support of people who understand but keep you on track.
Once you have that information, sit down and talk to her. I personally would have nothing more to do with this woman, but at the least you don't need to be solely responsible for her survival. Make it clear that her options are to find another way to live alone, or go to a facility.
If you DID live on your own once, how did she wrestle you to come back?
I think you are a long-term sufferer of abuse at the hand of your mother. You may even be suffering from CPTSD from it. I welcome you to join that forum and repost this story. People there are awesome and you might find a lot of advice there.
As for the wonderful Catholic guilt thing, SHAME on her! Using God as a reason to keep you down is HORRIBLE! Even Jesus didn't calm the stormy waves when his apostles were afraid. He wanted them to develop faith.
I'd say that to her. She's in her storm now. You MUST leave her so she can develop into a woman. You've enabled her to be dependent upon you! She should come to you because she LOVES you- not NEEDS you.
tks again for your comments and advice.
Second, there isn't any legal obligation to support your parents, in any state in the US or anywhere that I've ever heard of, and the government doesn't garnish wages because you don't support your parents. I've never in my life heard of such nonsense; she just wanted to make you feel scared and guilty.
Third, you are an adult and you were not, in my honest opinion, put on this earth to live a miserable life because of your mother. You were put here to LIVE. And what you are doing and have been doing is not living. Your mother appears, quite obviously, to be codependent and does not want you to leave, most likely because she has fears of her own, as well as not being able to have someone to push around all the time. I know someone like this and they are only happy when they have someone to belittle in order to make themselves feel big.
You need so desperately to move out. As hard as that would be, you need to. Like another commenter said, she needs help and you can not provide that to her. You are only enabling her sickness and allowing her toxicity to engulf every aspect of your life. You have taken charge of your life in some ways, with going to school and having three jobs, but you need to take full control of your life and do what is best for YOU, in order to ever be happy. And everyone deserves to be happy. I know she is your mother and you feel an obligation but this just isn't right and you know it. Do not be afraid to stand up and make a life for yourself. You are working three jobs, she isn't, and there is absolutely no reason why you have to give her your money or buy a bigger apartment just because you could afford it. That is YOUR money; you are the one who decides how to use it. She is and has been taking advantage of you and, for your sake alone, I pray that you stand up for yourself.
If she can not take care of herself, you are able to call around to find a place that will take her, like a nursing home. Otherwise, she needs to learn how to take care of herself. There is really nothing stopping you from packing your bags and moving out. All that is stopping you is, you. I know you're scared of her but all of her threats and declarations are empty. Just because she's sued people doesn't have any relevance to your situation. You've done nothing wrong and I hope you see that. There is nothing wrong with you moving out, getting your own place, and moving on. With a toxic relationship such as this, I strongly urge you to leave her and to cut all contact with her, at least for a period of time so that you can heal from the damage that she has inflicted upon you. I also urge you to find a therapist, because honey, everyone needs someone to talk to and I think it would be wise for you to speak to someone.
I truly wish you the best and I pray that you realize that you are worth so much more. You deserve so much more. NOBODY deserves to be treated the way that she has treated you. Do what is best for you; don't let your fear stand in the way.