Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
First, a little backround. I'm not a member of this group. I belong to 2 other groups that help me with the illnesses I have. I've been married 33 years and have two grown daughters and 3 very young grandchildren. This may get long so PLEASE BEAR WITH ME. I DO have a very positive point! (Or just skip ahead to the final paragraph!......I won't mind!)
My husband suffers from BPD. I didn't know this all the years we've been married. He still does not know. I have all those years seen certain patterns in his behavior and those patterns have always been a problem for us. Not to say that I am perfect, far from it, but communication has been difficult with his view of the world and the people around him. I do love him dearly, but I hate how he sometimes treats me, disregards me, hurts me, is verbally cruel, etc...you get the gist. We seperated 8 years ago because I could no longer live with this terribly negative person who made very selfish/bad choices and did a lot of damage to our marriage, to my self esteem, and who felt that there were no problems in our marriage and if I wasn't happy about something than that was MY problem, something was wrong with ME..
It was rough, but therapy helped us get to a level where we could communicate a bit better and we re-united after a 6 month seperation with us both having a very strong desire to make it work.
Things were going well, until I got sick. 6 years ago I developed a severely dibilitating illness, a year later another diagnoses came along. I have suffered and struggled, he has suffered and struggled. He has not been able to accept many aspects of the illness and insists I have control over things that I don't. He feels I'm just willfully not caring about him. For once, there's something much bigger than him demanding my attention, and he can't stand it, and he makes things worse for both of us.
This last year has been the worse for me, and therefore for us. When I'm not doing well, and by that I mean in a near catatonic state, bedridden or close to it, he believes I hate him, his emotions do not allow him to see my suffering, he only sees that I am not myself, I am not there for him, I am not meeting his needs, etc......and he gets angry, and then he gets cruel. Six months ago, after a particurlarly brutal episode, I realized there was something really wrong with him that had to go beyond your basic personality quirks. I started to research personality disorders and was both shocked and relieved to discover what a textbook case he is, by that I mean all the criteria are met. To see this in print, to see that what I've been living with so perfectly explained.....I had such a mix of emotion. To realize that I"M NOT crazy (he has often tried to convince me of that), to realize that he is actually suffering, and worst of all......to know that it,s no easy fix, and that I can't be the one to tell him this. That at best, with therapy, maybe some of his reactions can be modifed.
I've always been the optimist, always believed that if I could just explain things clearly he would understand, that he could change his bizarre behavior if he just understood things better. I've always had hope that things could get better.
Oh....how it explains so much. All these years I've been banging my head against this same unknown "thing".
I DO realize that he is suffering hugely. That, more than anything, has helped me gain a new level of patience. But then a rather major episode occured about 4 months ago and I was ready to leave him, even though I am totally dependant on him and cannot live alone, I couldn't live with him anymore. I had just started going to therapy for help with how to live with this better. He does not know that, and the only reason I didn't leave was becuase........after 4 days of no communication, which I needed to have in order to get my emotions in check and be able to discuss things with him rationally, when we did talk he revealed to me that he had just made an appointment to start seeing a therapist......"to find out why I do the things I do" he said. This was a HUMUNGOUS step for him. I love him, I know he's not this way on purpose, so I accepted his apologies and agreed to be patient while he goes through therapy, and yes I did offer to go with him whenever he wanted me there. I also shared with him that I had already started going to therapy. But he does not know what the real problem is, and I have hoped that his therapist is smart enough to see it, or that he will ask me to go and she will see how he interacts with me.
It's been 4 months since he started going. He feels he's made major improvement and is unhappy with my lack of congratulatory comments. He wants a constant pat on the back. Meanwhile, nothing has really improved between us but I AM learning how to diffuse situations and sometimes have been successful at it. Doesn't work all the time, but that's okay, I'm trying. I'm also at the same time dealing with illness that can require all my attention just to survive each day. My feelings are never validated, after all, it's all about how this affects him. Accepting that is really hard and I'm fortunate to have a good therapist who is helping me. He still does not know that the he suffers from this disorder, and I feel like I have this deep dark secret that I'm keeping from him, I feel awful having to learn how to basically "manage" him so as not to make things worse. I am patiently waiting for an invitation to his therapy, I know that I cannot request it, it has to be on his terms, when he's ready.
So......to get to the point of why I chose to post this comment.
I have been reading your posts, your responses, all of you, for the past few months. I have to say........THANK YOU! You don't know it, but you give me strength, you make me feel not alone, reading your struggles helps me stay compassionate and stay focused on the positive. Helps remind me how much he is really suffering. You all are suffering so.....and no one chooses this. I can hear your pain. I feel great compassion for the person who mentioned that when they told someone their diagnoses that the response was "my condolences". When I first told my therapist what I suspected she covered her face with her hands and just said....."Ohhhhhhh Genie" in the slowest and saddest tone of voice I've ever heard her use. Yeah, that's not very encouraging is it?
We had a particularly nasty argument this afternoon, I haven't been doing well and haven't been talking much, he initiated a conversation and then didn't like what he heard. He said nasty things that 5 minutes later he didn't remember and accused me of making them up. Here we go.
So here I came........to a place where there are so many others struggling with this also, in lots of different ways. And I found understanding, and solace, and strength. For that.......I give you all my most heartfelt thanks, admiration, and respect. You are helping others just by having the courage to share your struggles. You are all very special people.
Genie
My husband suffers from BPD. I didn't know this all the years we've been married. He still does not know. I have all those years seen certain patterns in his behavior and those patterns have always been a problem for us. Not to say that I am perfect, far from it, but communication has been difficult with his view of the world and the people around him. I do love him dearly, but I hate how he sometimes treats me, disregards me, hurts me, is verbally cruel, etc...you get the gist. We seperated 8 years ago because I could no longer live with this terribly negative person who made very selfish/bad choices and did a lot of damage to our marriage, to my self esteem, and who felt that there were no problems in our marriage and if I wasn't happy about something than that was MY problem, something was wrong with ME..
It was rough, but therapy helped us get to a level where we could communicate a bit better and we re-united after a 6 month seperation with us both having a very strong desire to make it work.
Things were going well, until I got sick. 6 years ago I developed a severely dibilitating illness, a year later another diagnoses came along. I have suffered and struggled, he has suffered and struggled. He has not been able to accept many aspects of the illness and insists I have control over things that I don't. He feels I'm just willfully not caring about him. For once, there's something much bigger than him demanding my attention, and he can't stand it, and he makes things worse for both of us.
This last year has been the worse for me, and therefore for us. When I'm not doing well, and by that I mean in a near catatonic state, bedridden or close to it, he believes I hate him, his emotions do not allow him to see my suffering, he only sees that I am not myself, I am not there for him, I am not meeting his needs, etc......and he gets angry, and then he gets cruel. Six months ago, after a particurlarly brutal episode, I realized there was something really wrong with him that had to go beyond your basic personality quirks. I started to research personality disorders and was both shocked and relieved to discover what a textbook case he is, by that I mean all the criteria are met. To see this in print, to see that what I've been living with so perfectly explained.....I had such a mix of emotion. To realize that I"M NOT crazy (he has often tried to convince me of that), to realize that he is actually suffering, and worst of all......to know that it,s no easy fix, and that I can't be the one to tell him this. That at best, with therapy, maybe some of his reactions can be modifed.
I've always been the optimist, always believed that if I could just explain things clearly he would understand, that he could change his bizarre behavior if he just understood things better. I've always had hope that things could get better.
Oh....how it explains so much. All these years I've been banging my head against this same unknown "thing".
I DO realize that he is suffering hugely. That, more than anything, has helped me gain a new level of patience. But then a rather major episode occured about 4 months ago and I was ready to leave him, even though I am totally dependant on him and cannot live alone, I couldn't live with him anymore. I had just started going to therapy for help with how to live with this better. He does not know that, and the only reason I didn't leave was becuase........after 4 days of no communication, which I needed to have in order to get my emotions in check and be able to discuss things with him rationally, when we did talk he revealed to me that he had just made an appointment to start seeing a therapist......"to find out why I do the things I do" he said. This was a HUMUNGOUS step for him. I love him, I know he's not this way on purpose, so I accepted his apologies and agreed to be patient while he goes through therapy, and yes I did offer to go with him whenever he wanted me there. I also shared with him that I had already started going to therapy. But he does not know what the real problem is, and I have hoped that his therapist is smart enough to see it, or that he will ask me to go and she will see how he interacts with me.
It's been 4 months since he started going. He feels he's made major improvement and is unhappy with my lack of congratulatory comments. He wants a constant pat on the back. Meanwhile, nothing has really improved between us but I AM learning how to diffuse situations and sometimes have been successful at it. Doesn't work all the time, but that's okay, I'm trying. I'm also at the same time dealing with illness that can require all my attention just to survive each day. My feelings are never validated, after all, it's all about how this affects him. Accepting that is really hard and I'm fortunate to have a good therapist who is helping me. He still does not know that the he suffers from this disorder, and I feel like I have this deep dark secret that I'm keeping from him, I feel awful having to learn how to basically "manage" him so as not to make things worse. I am patiently waiting for an invitation to his therapy, I know that I cannot request it, it has to be on his terms, when he's ready.
So......to get to the point of why I chose to post this comment.
I have been reading your posts, your responses, all of you, for the past few months. I have to say........THANK YOU! You don't know it, but you give me strength, you make me feel not alone, reading your struggles helps me stay compassionate and stay focused on the positive. Helps remind me how much he is really suffering. You all are suffering so.....and no one chooses this. I can hear your pain. I feel great compassion for the person who mentioned that when they told someone their diagnoses that the response was "my condolences". When I first told my therapist what I suspected she covered her face with her hands and just said....."Ohhhhhhh Genie" in the slowest and saddest tone of voice I've ever heard her use. Yeah, that's not very encouraging is it?
We had a particularly nasty argument this afternoon, I haven't been doing well and haven't been talking much, he initiated a conversation and then didn't like what he heard. He said nasty things that 5 minutes later he didn't remember and accused me of making them up. Here we go.
So here I came........to a place where there are so many others struggling with this also, in lots of different ways. And I found understanding, and solace, and strength. For that.......I give you all my most heartfelt thanks, admiration, and respect. You are helping others just by having the courage to share your struggles. You are all very special people.
Genie
MrsPLB
Thank you so much for patience with your husband. Their are not many who could stay in there. There is nothing wrong or shameful for those who can't. I know I wonder at times how my husband can stay with me. He says its hard during my episodes, but he loves me and knows its beyond my control. But when things are good, their worth it. Your kind words in ur post are heart warming. I'm sorry for the hardship ur going through.
sigmund2
good that he went with you to therapy. that is more than many men
deleted_user
I have been married to a bipolar man for 15 yrs (together 16) and he was just diagnosed a couple months ago. I am familiar with the saying mean things and not remembering. My husband texted me hate for 36 hrs straight plus emails in Nov. right before he went to the psychiatrist. If he will go with you to a psych(even supposedly for you) and you clue that person in on what you know and have seen, maybe they can say "i want to ask you questions based on what I have seen here and heard from your wife" and get him a diagnosis. He would do better with medication. Bipolar is degenerative. It gets worse over time if left untreated. Couseling is good but he needs meds. Hang in there. It is often horrible but I am clinging to the hope of treatment and improvement. You can too. (((hugs)))) to you.
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