Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
A few years ago, I began fighting a really serious, years-long depressive episode. I joined a volunteer group to meet people, and the very first good friend I made has become a very serious problem. I'll try to keep this as brief and organized as possible.
TRIGGER WARNINGS: Alcoholism, abuse, self-harm, attempted suicide, extremist politics, being institutionalized, possibly rape. I'm sorry if I missed anything.
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- I met this person (Friend) in a volunteer group. We friended on Facebook and began talking regularly. At the time, Friend was in their early 20s and I was in my late 20s. (Friend is now in their mid-twenties and I am in my early 30s.)
- The problem began when Friend began inviting me over late at night all the time. They lived with their abusive, alcoholic parent (Parent), and I began to realize they were begging me to come over when Parent was drunk. I was being invited to act as a barrier between Friend and Parent. Even knowing this, I would often come, anyway. A lot of hideous stuff happened during this time, but most of it was caused by Parent. It was unbelievably uncomfortable but I felt like Friend needed someone. Friend is tiny and much smaller than Parent, while I am at least twice Parent's size. I would stay the night oftentimes, crashing after Parent passed out. One night, Parent let it slip that Friend has Asperger's. I had not previously noticed any symptoms.
- We would talk and I began to notice that Friend had a lot of other interpersonal problems. Parent and Friend lived with Friend's very elderly great-grand-parent (GGP) in GGP's home. Friend was unkind to GGP, and GGP was somewhat intimidated by Friend. I found out, in fact, that Friend once squirted GGP in the face with a squirt bottle for chewing too loudly. A number of other friends dropped Friend during this time, as Friend's behavior became more well-known.
- Friend would often ask for or demand favors and not say thank you to people. Friend did not have a job nor a car and would often expect others to pay for their way. Sometimes they would ask, other times they would simply pick things up or order food and put it on someone else's tab. If anyone ever told them no, or acted shocked, Friend would become demanding or angry, saying things like, "How do you expect me to pay for it? I don't have a job!" Friend often says things like this; expecting others to compensate for anything they might need or lack, even becoming angry at people when asked for things like directions to their house, or when to pick them up. This led to a number of ended friendships with Friend, while Friend would hold a grudge for months, even years, making up and repeating bizarre, fictional versions of events.
- Friend would sometimes have severe attitude problems towards people, and then become furious when they reacted. On one occasion, my mother was doing them a favor by driving Friend around to various pharmacies looking for a specific medicine for Friend's pet. My mom said something like, "I hope we don't have to drive to too many stores," and Friend reacted by shouting, "WELL IT'S NOT MY FAULT! DON'T BLAME ME!" in the middle of the crowded store. Mom had been up with Friend all night, taken them to a pet emergency room, bought them a drink (thanklessly) and was now chauffeuring them around. Friend had been nothing but nasty the entire time. Mom reacted by shaking her finger at Friend and saying quietly, "Don't you get snippy with me!" Friend accused her of making a scene and humiliating them in public, refused to be around my mother, and spent months thereafter complaining about and slandering her.
- You're probably wondering why I still considered this person a friend at this point and the honest answer is... mostly pity. I admit this is a terrible, terrible reason to be friends with someone. Friend did everything they could to nurse my sense of pity with self-pity and martyrdom. I'd seen how this person lives, I'd seen their family, and I knew that they didn't have much in the world. We had a lot of laughs and a lot of fun when things weren't horrible, and it meant a lot to me that this person wanted to be my friend. They were my first good friend in a very long time, and that had a lot of sentimental value to me. I made excuses for it all, as did way too many other friends in our circle.
- At some point, I noticed that Friend was self-harming, mostly by filing their fingernails to points and scratching their face when they got upset.
- Around Christmastime one year, Parent was coming home drunk and abusive every single night. Friend was contacting me, begging me to come over constantly. I couldn't be there at all times and the situation was getting concerning, because Parent was also onto why I was there all the time. I asked two other close friends, Ornery and Fix-A-Lot, to please go get Friend and take them to their apartment building (they live in two units in the same building). They did so once, and wound up having to take Friend back. The second time, my friends insisted that Friend bring their cat so they wouldn't have to deliver Friend back right away.
- Friend wound up living in Fix-A-Lot's apartment. Fix-A-Lot is kind, forgiving, and generous to a fault, and has a soft spot for terribly damaged people, some of whom reward her kindness and others who take complete advantage of it until she finally gets fed up and tells them to GTFO. Friend did not get a job and lived large on Fix-A-Lot's money. Fix treated Friend to joining in with every fun thing Fix did and also spent a lot of money on Friend's personal wants. Friend's cat (Hellcat) was vicious with Fix's cats (to be fair, Friend did warn us all that Hellcat was vicious), but when Hellcat was banished to Friend's loft bedroom, Friend kept sneaking him down and blaming the other cats for fights. When Friend didn't get their way, they would try to win arguments by self-harming in front of Fix, who told Friend she wouldn't be emotionally blackmailed. Friend then began with horrible acts of passive aggression, like leaving doors unlocked and even open for Fix's cats to get out, or anyone to get in. Friend broke Fix's electronic cat box because they didn't like the sound it made, and Fix even caught Friend peeping on and following her in the house.
- It started happening that Friend would contact me during or to start hours-long emotional episodes. Either ranting at me for perceived slights, or ranting about other people who were innocent, who I would then defend, and then ranting at me for hours. Friend sometimes claimed to self-harm during these times, and probably really did sometimes. It became a huge and frequent drain on my time and own limited mental resources. I was constantly talking Friend down from massive emotional explosions.
- Friend required a long ride to another city to catch a flight to visit their stepfather. Fix provided it and took me along. Friend's return flight time was changed and Fix was unable to pick Friend back up at the airport. Friend had meltdown beyond compare when forced to try to secure another ride or wait in a strange city for a night. It was a disaster that should have been, at worst, an inconvenience.
- Fix was at her wit's end and was out of money. She had drained her bank account caring for both herself and Friend at Fix's usual standard of living. She gave Friend notice that they had to move out. During this time, Friend began accusing Fix-A-Lot of wanting Friend around to take advantage of their food stamps to people predisposed to not liking Fix or Ornery. (Fix spent thousands of dollars on Friend's upkeep.) At first Friend denied having said anything like that to anyone, but later sort of admitted it, saying that, really, they were just testing their friendships with other people by asking them to keep a secret. Ornery, who had previously considered Friend to be like a sibling, had enough and dropped them.
- Friend also began finding and pushing my emotional buttons. They would find something that really bothered me and try to force me into situations where I had to be around it, or talk about it endlessly. Specifically, Friend kept trying to expose me to popular media that portrayed or was related to rape. I asked them to stop it over and over again, Friend persisted over and over again, and I finally wound up getting angry a few times, which would then prompt Friend to accuse me of being mean. Twice friend did this to me publicly, at birthday parties, and acted wounded when I became angry and told them to leave me alone, pretending to onlookers that they had no idea that the subject was off-limits with me and making me look like I was just mean and reactionary.
- After bouncing couches a little bit, Friend moved out of state to live with their aunt (Aunt) and cousin (Cousin). I was constantly fed horror stories, which based on my knowledge of Aunt, I did and still do believe. Aunt is known and admitted to be closely involved with a violent, extremist political movement. This constant horror show culminated in Friend texting and calling several people, in crisis and claiming to have attempted suicide. Everyone else ignored them because it was the middle of the night. I replied, we talked, and I called 911, sending emergency services to Aunt's home to retrieve Friend. Friend was committed, and Aunt, Cousin, and their family did everything in their power to nuke my social life, including using Friend's social media to contact our mutual friends and claim that I had had Friend arrested.
- Friend came back to our city and moved in with their oldest friend (BFF) and BFF's then-fiance, now husband (Mr. BFF). At first, things seemed okay. We had a welcome home party for Friend, who seemed happy to be home. A few months later, BFF and Mr. BFF were about to get married and had given Friend a deadline to get out. Friend had not gotten a job, Mr. BFF did not get along with them, and both BFF and Mr. BFF were saying they did not feel safe in their own home, just like Fix hadn't. Friend was talking about how BFF had never really been a good friend and accusing BFF and Mr. BFF of all kinds of ridiculous things.
- Friend moved back into GGP's house with their sibling and another roommate, BFF's adopted sibling. Parent had gotten married and moved out. Friend finally got not one job but two, and began constantly exploiting another close friend, Doormat. Doormat is never available to Friend in times of crisis, but gives Friend literally everything they want. Doormat is a nice person but has few friends and is unbelievably attached to Friend's apparent loyalty, not understanding that it's unmitigated exploitation. Friend expects every friend they have to treat them like Doormat does. Inevitably, Doormat has not been able to fulfill every single one of Friend's demands, and Friend has begun to complain even about Doormat.
- Parent's marriage almost immediately began to dissolve, and Parent is back living with GGP, Friend, and the others. Parent is drinking heavily and is verbally abusing all three of of the younger roommates.
- Friend has taken to contacting me and making incredible hash out of anything I might happen to say. Friend keeps forcing one-sided fights on me, presumably because of something else happening in their life. The other night, we were talking about an online game we used to play together. I gave Friend a pair of rare items in the game, and the next day Friend told me they no longer cared about the game. I asked, "Then why did I give you my rare items?!" The exclamation point turned out to be a mistake. I dropped the matter immediately, but Friend was feeling cranky. After an hour and a half of being accused of abusing, harassing, and gaslighting them because I asked a question with an exclamation mark, while I repeatedly demanded that we stop, I finally talked Friend down and they went to sleep. (I never simply leave conversations like this because I assume that Friend will either self harm or worse to get my attention if I go silent.)
- I can't take this anymore. I have depression, panic disorder, and agoraphobia problems of my own. I never contact Friend anymore. I've seen them only a few times in the last few months. I try to be appeasing, so as not to create yet another nuclear blow up, but I cringe when they contact me. They get angry if I don't give them the attention they demand. I do not know what to do. I know what will happen if I cut them off entirely; I absolutely will be dragged back in somehow and I will be blamed for causing a meltdown that could be God knows how violent and dramatic.
I feel like a fool to have gotten dragged into this. Wiser people than me cut Friend off as soon as Friend started on them, but I wanted to be the friend who was there, who was reliable, who could be counted on even in times of crisis and mental illness. I'd always wanted that, myself, and I always wanted to be that person. But now I know this isn't just mental illness, it's mental illness coupled with extreme manipulation and duplicity.
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TL;DR: Incredibly, deeply emotionally damaged friend uses self-harm, rumors, pity, and passive aggression to get literally everything they want from their friends. I want this person out of my life but I know that this person is unbelievably manipulative and is still friends with a few of my good friends, and will definitely try to harm me, or themselves, in some way if I try to remove them from my life.
I have received advice from several friends. Most agree with Ornery that no amount of drama over a breakup is worth the drama I'm living with and to just tell Friend to GTFO. Fix-A-Lot has managed to cut Friend out of her life by almost completely ignoring them, but not cutting them off or "breaking up," and advised me to do the same.
If you've been through this, please let me know. I could use some outside opinions.
TRIGGER WARNINGS: Alcoholism, abuse, self-harm, attempted suicide, extremist politics, being institutionalized, possibly rape. I'm sorry if I missed anything.
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- I met this person (Friend) in a volunteer group. We friended on Facebook and began talking regularly. At the time, Friend was in their early 20s and I was in my late 20s. (Friend is now in their mid-twenties and I am in my early 30s.)
- The problem began when Friend began inviting me over late at night all the time. They lived with their abusive, alcoholic parent (Parent), and I began to realize they were begging me to come over when Parent was drunk. I was being invited to act as a barrier between Friend and Parent. Even knowing this, I would often come, anyway. A lot of hideous stuff happened during this time, but most of it was caused by Parent. It was unbelievably uncomfortable but I felt like Friend needed someone. Friend is tiny and much smaller than Parent, while I am at least twice Parent's size. I would stay the night oftentimes, crashing after Parent passed out. One night, Parent let it slip that Friend has Asperger's. I had not previously noticed any symptoms.
- We would talk and I began to notice that Friend had a lot of other interpersonal problems. Parent and Friend lived with Friend's very elderly great-grand-parent (GGP) in GGP's home. Friend was unkind to GGP, and GGP was somewhat intimidated by Friend. I found out, in fact, that Friend once squirted GGP in the face with a squirt bottle for chewing too loudly. A number of other friends dropped Friend during this time, as Friend's behavior became more well-known.
- Friend would often ask for or demand favors and not say thank you to people. Friend did not have a job nor a car and would often expect others to pay for their way. Sometimes they would ask, other times they would simply pick things up or order food and put it on someone else's tab. If anyone ever told them no, or acted shocked, Friend would become demanding or angry, saying things like, "How do you expect me to pay for it? I don't have a job!" Friend often says things like this; expecting others to compensate for anything they might need or lack, even becoming angry at people when asked for things like directions to their house, or when to pick them up. This led to a number of ended friendships with Friend, while Friend would hold a grudge for months, even years, making up and repeating bizarre, fictional versions of events.
- Friend would sometimes have severe attitude problems towards people, and then become furious when they reacted. On one occasion, my mother was doing them a favor by driving Friend around to various pharmacies looking for a specific medicine for Friend's pet. My mom said something like, "I hope we don't have to drive to too many stores," and Friend reacted by shouting, "WELL IT'S NOT MY FAULT! DON'T BLAME ME!" in the middle of the crowded store. Mom had been up with Friend all night, taken them to a pet emergency room, bought them a drink (thanklessly) and was now chauffeuring them around. Friend had been nothing but nasty the entire time. Mom reacted by shaking her finger at Friend and saying quietly, "Don't you get snippy with me!" Friend accused her of making a scene and humiliating them in public, refused to be around my mother, and spent months thereafter complaining about and slandering her.
- You're probably wondering why I still considered this person a friend at this point and the honest answer is... mostly pity. I admit this is a terrible, terrible reason to be friends with someone. Friend did everything they could to nurse my sense of pity with self-pity and martyrdom. I'd seen how this person lives, I'd seen their family, and I knew that they didn't have much in the world. We had a lot of laughs and a lot of fun when things weren't horrible, and it meant a lot to me that this person wanted to be my friend. They were my first good friend in a very long time, and that had a lot of sentimental value to me. I made excuses for it all, as did way too many other friends in our circle.
- At some point, I noticed that Friend was self-harming, mostly by filing their fingernails to points and scratching their face when they got upset.
- Around Christmastime one year, Parent was coming home drunk and abusive every single night. Friend was contacting me, begging me to come over constantly. I couldn't be there at all times and the situation was getting concerning, because Parent was also onto why I was there all the time. I asked two other close friends, Ornery and Fix-A-Lot, to please go get Friend and take them to their apartment building (they live in two units in the same building). They did so once, and wound up having to take Friend back. The second time, my friends insisted that Friend bring their cat so they wouldn't have to deliver Friend back right away.
- Friend wound up living in Fix-A-Lot's apartment. Fix-A-Lot is kind, forgiving, and generous to a fault, and has a soft spot for terribly damaged people, some of whom reward her kindness and others who take complete advantage of it until she finally gets fed up and tells them to GTFO. Friend did not get a job and lived large on Fix-A-Lot's money. Fix treated Friend to joining in with every fun thing Fix did and also spent a lot of money on Friend's personal wants. Friend's cat (Hellcat) was vicious with Fix's cats (to be fair, Friend did warn us all that Hellcat was vicious), but when Hellcat was banished to Friend's loft bedroom, Friend kept sneaking him down and blaming the other cats for fights. When Friend didn't get their way, they would try to win arguments by self-harming in front of Fix, who told Friend she wouldn't be emotionally blackmailed. Friend then began with horrible acts of passive aggression, like leaving doors unlocked and even open for Fix's cats to get out, or anyone to get in. Friend broke Fix's electronic cat box because they didn't like the sound it made, and Fix even caught Friend peeping on and following her in the house.
- It started happening that Friend would contact me during or to start hours-long emotional episodes. Either ranting at me for perceived slights, or ranting about other people who were innocent, who I would then defend, and then ranting at me for hours. Friend sometimes claimed to self-harm during these times, and probably really did sometimes. It became a huge and frequent drain on my time and own limited mental resources. I was constantly talking Friend down from massive emotional explosions.
- Friend required a long ride to another city to catch a flight to visit their stepfather. Fix provided it and took me along. Friend's return flight time was changed and Fix was unable to pick Friend back up at the airport. Friend had meltdown beyond compare when forced to try to secure another ride or wait in a strange city for a night. It was a disaster that should have been, at worst, an inconvenience.
- Fix was at her wit's end and was out of money. She had drained her bank account caring for both herself and Friend at Fix's usual standard of living. She gave Friend notice that they had to move out. During this time, Friend began accusing Fix-A-Lot of wanting Friend around to take advantage of their food stamps to people predisposed to not liking Fix or Ornery. (Fix spent thousands of dollars on Friend's upkeep.) At first Friend denied having said anything like that to anyone, but later sort of admitted it, saying that, really, they were just testing their friendships with other people by asking them to keep a secret. Ornery, who had previously considered Friend to be like a sibling, had enough and dropped them.
- Friend also began finding and pushing my emotional buttons. They would find something that really bothered me and try to force me into situations where I had to be around it, or talk about it endlessly. Specifically, Friend kept trying to expose me to popular media that portrayed or was related to rape. I asked them to stop it over and over again, Friend persisted over and over again, and I finally wound up getting angry a few times, which would then prompt Friend to accuse me of being mean. Twice friend did this to me publicly, at birthday parties, and acted wounded when I became angry and told them to leave me alone, pretending to onlookers that they had no idea that the subject was off-limits with me and making me look like I was just mean and reactionary.
- After bouncing couches a little bit, Friend moved out of state to live with their aunt (Aunt) and cousin (Cousin). I was constantly fed horror stories, which based on my knowledge of Aunt, I did and still do believe. Aunt is known and admitted to be closely involved with a violent, extremist political movement. This constant horror show culminated in Friend texting and calling several people, in crisis and claiming to have attempted suicide. Everyone else ignored them because it was the middle of the night. I replied, we talked, and I called 911, sending emergency services to Aunt's home to retrieve Friend. Friend was committed, and Aunt, Cousin, and their family did everything in their power to nuke my social life, including using Friend's social media to contact our mutual friends and claim that I had had Friend arrested.
- Friend came back to our city and moved in with their oldest friend (BFF) and BFF's then-fiance, now husband (Mr. BFF). At first, things seemed okay. We had a welcome home party for Friend, who seemed happy to be home. A few months later, BFF and Mr. BFF were about to get married and had given Friend a deadline to get out. Friend had not gotten a job, Mr. BFF did not get along with them, and both BFF and Mr. BFF were saying they did not feel safe in their own home, just like Fix hadn't. Friend was talking about how BFF had never really been a good friend and accusing BFF and Mr. BFF of all kinds of ridiculous things.
- Friend moved back into GGP's house with their sibling and another roommate, BFF's adopted sibling. Parent had gotten married and moved out. Friend finally got not one job but two, and began constantly exploiting another close friend, Doormat. Doormat is never available to Friend in times of crisis, but gives Friend literally everything they want. Doormat is a nice person but has few friends and is unbelievably attached to Friend's apparent loyalty, not understanding that it's unmitigated exploitation. Friend expects every friend they have to treat them like Doormat does. Inevitably, Doormat has not been able to fulfill every single one of Friend's demands, and Friend has begun to complain even about Doormat.
- Parent's marriage almost immediately began to dissolve, and Parent is back living with GGP, Friend, and the others. Parent is drinking heavily and is verbally abusing all three of of the younger roommates.
- Friend has taken to contacting me and making incredible hash out of anything I might happen to say. Friend keeps forcing one-sided fights on me, presumably because of something else happening in their life. The other night, we were talking about an online game we used to play together. I gave Friend a pair of rare items in the game, and the next day Friend told me they no longer cared about the game. I asked, "Then why did I give you my rare items?!" The exclamation point turned out to be a mistake. I dropped the matter immediately, but Friend was feeling cranky. After an hour and a half of being accused of abusing, harassing, and gaslighting them because I asked a question with an exclamation mark, while I repeatedly demanded that we stop, I finally talked Friend down and they went to sleep. (I never simply leave conversations like this because I assume that Friend will either self harm or worse to get my attention if I go silent.)
- I can't take this anymore. I have depression, panic disorder, and agoraphobia problems of my own. I never contact Friend anymore. I've seen them only a few times in the last few months. I try to be appeasing, so as not to create yet another nuclear blow up, but I cringe when they contact me. They get angry if I don't give them the attention they demand. I do not know what to do. I know what will happen if I cut them off entirely; I absolutely will be dragged back in somehow and I will be blamed for causing a meltdown that could be God knows how violent and dramatic.
I feel like a fool to have gotten dragged into this. Wiser people than me cut Friend off as soon as Friend started on them, but I wanted to be the friend who was there, who was reliable, who could be counted on even in times of crisis and mental illness. I'd always wanted that, myself, and I always wanted to be that person. But now I know this isn't just mental illness, it's mental illness coupled with extreme manipulation and duplicity.
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TL;DR: Incredibly, deeply emotionally damaged friend uses self-harm, rumors, pity, and passive aggression to get literally everything they want from their friends. I want this person out of my life but I know that this person is unbelievably manipulative and is still friends with a few of my good friends, and will definitely try to harm me, or themselves, in some way if I try to remove them from my life.
I have received advice from several friends. Most agree with Ornery that no amount of drama over a breakup is worth the drama I'm living with and to just tell Friend to GTFO. Fix-A-Lot has managed to cut Friend out of her life by almost completely ignoring them, but not cutting them off or "breaking up," and advised me to do the same.
If you've been through this, please let me know. I could use some outside opinions.
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