I think you need to come over to the codependency board.

Why the need to help him learn to have a relationship? Why is he your pet project at your expense?

You will get hurt, I am afraid.

This is WAY more about you than him...

DeliAnnem,
I couldn't understand what you said.
He is not my pet project. He is just someone who have helped me a lot, I feel so grateful for everything he did for me when we were together.
I know him deeply and know he suffers more than I for having hurt me.
Watch the movie "The Railroad Man" and you might understand.

No offense, but this is what I am coming away with-

You had a 7 month stint with someone online; that does not constitute a "relationship."

It has been two years since the 7 month thing, and you are still emotionally wrapped up in it; I'd think by now, you'd moved on.

You were never "together." You talked online. And at 4 hours a day, that seems a bit excessive.

You are 51; he is 25. That's not right. You are more likely a mother figure than a potential lover. That's not healthy.

You can't help him; he has to help himself.

This is more about you than him at this point.

Thank you for the film tip; I'll check it out.

I looked online and found a movie called, "The Rail*way* Man."

It's with Colin Firth. Forgive me, but I'm not understanding the reference. This is about the Japanese during WWII...?

DeliAnnem
It does constitute a relationship, specially for people like us. He is used to hide from people in the real world, and having found me on internet gave him the chance to experience love. I am a caregiver, I take care of my 84 year old mom and had to abandon my social activities because of that. Online relationship is all I could have. For the both of us finding each other was very liberating.


If I had met someone else, perhaps I would have. But even though I tried I didnt find anyone. If I knew how to press the button dont love him anymore I would press it. But I havent found this button.


You are contradicting yourself. If 4 hours a day is a bit excessive, you must admit we were together. We are confidants, we spent the day waiting for those 4 hours. Physical contact doesnt define togetherness. In fact, he was quite frustrated for not being able to offer me that, due to his disorder, even though he felt we were so close.


Why is that not right? Why is it not healthy? Said who? Besides, I was the child in that relationship. I love like a teenager. I dont feel attracted to men my age. He doesnt feel attracted to women his age. I was never a mother figure to him. He said he considered me very attractive.

He does have to help himself, but this doesnt mean that I cant be helpful.


It is about both of us. We are both stuck in this thing. He hasnt moved on either. We both feel guilt for having failed with each other. We both were not able to move on.


Sorry, I gave you the wrong name of the movie. It is the one you found. I mentioned it because you can see that compassion and understanding of the burden both sides carry can lead to peace.


Now I ask again. Since we are having the chance to communicate again, how to communicate with someone who suffers from avoidant personality disorder?

You need to communicate the way you communicate it is the only way you can be you.

Be honest with him and tell him you have studied his illness and that you don't want to scare him...and that he can TRUST you. Its important for us to feel like we can trust someone.

Be consistent in your words and your actions and he will eventually trust you.

You have to be ok with the online communication only until he asks to meet again in person. Do not push that issue..that will make him panic. It has to come from him. Accept the fact that it is his illness and isn't anything about you.

Don't even bring up meeting him in person. Just keep your communication open if you want to help him. He may break free from his avoidance tendancies with you one day..but it won't happen overnight.

Curious? Does he work? I have a lot of problems with avoiding even work...I'm a lot older than he...but I know it is a common trait to feel inferior....so I"m curious how he is functioning with the rest of the world?

Bipolar108-

I mean no disrespect, but I do tend to think that there's some dysfunction going on if the 50 year old is more the child in a relationship with a man half her age.

I also think that it's very admirable to care for your elderly mother, but that should not preclude you from having a normal relationship.

It's one thing to have a support system with a person online (I have many on here at DS), but that is NOT a true relationship that can go anywhere- I presume you crave a physical one, right?

Even if you COULD help him, I'd fear that at his age, you'd help him... right into the arms of a 20 something.

I just fear for you, that's all. Clinging to the few hours you have with him online is not a life; you deserve more.

I'd watch a few Dr. Phil episodes about catfishes... I trust you didn't send him any $???

And BTW, I love Colin Firth! : D

Dear Missy2,
Ive received from other people the same advice, to be myself, and of course, there wouldnt be other way. I wouldnt be able to pretend to be somebody else for too long. Besides, he knows me deeply, and if he is willing to have this video call, he knows exactly with whom he is going to talk.
I suppose he knows he can trust me, even though his disorder prevents him to trust people. But he knows I am reliable, and this is something that I will assure in our conversation.
I am ok with the online conversation. He lives in USA, I live in Brazil. I dont see us meeting in the near future. But after having visited him and being rejected, I would never try it again. It will have to come from him.
In the beginning I thought it was me, but after studying about APD and hearing from him that he has this defense policy, I understood I shouldnt feel rejected. Still, it hurts, and I keep asking myself why I fell for a guy with this kind of limit, instead of being with someone that would want to meet me as much as I wanted to meet him.
He is a software engineer. We met in a writing forum. We are hobbyist writers. He is extremely intelligent, and that is the feature I most admire.
Dear DeliAnnem,
I know it sounds dysfunctional, and it perhaps is. But that is me. I am a 51 year old woman who loves like a teenager. He used to be extremely romantic, I was his first love. I have never felt so loved in my life.
My situation with my mom does prevent me from having a normal relationship. This is a whole other story I wont give details, but meeting him represented a way out from this prison, even if we didnt meet in person.
Although I want him to be mine, I would be happy to know he is living a normal romantic life, even with somebody else. What bothers me the most is to know that after dating me he got so traumatized that he considers not dating anyone anymore. I thought, being an experienced woman, I would introduce him to something so precious. But instead, I scared him, and I cant forgive myself for that. If he falls into the arms of a 20s I would be happy for him, and would feel relieved.
I deserve more than few hours over the internet. But my present situation doesnt allow me to have much more than that. If he were willing to have a personal encounter, I would have to count on few weeks a year I can leave mom with my brother, who lives in America and comes to visit her.
He is who he is, no catfishing.

Brazil, huh? I always wanted to go there.

So, you did go to the States and met him? Too much for him? I'd be pretty nervous meeting someone I met over the internet, too. It's a lot to handle for anybody.

You sound very kind to want to help him.

It also sounds like you feel trapped taking care of your mother?

I'd put it out there that if you can break free to meet a man in another country, you could certainly meet a guy in Brazil for a cup of coffee.

I think the thing to explore that you started to mention is why you'd allow yourself to fall for a guy who is doomed to reject you. Were you rejected as a child? We usually repeat our upbringing.

Hobby writer, huh? Very cool. What do you write?

Dear DeliAnnem,
During our 7 months online relationship we planned that he would be coming to Brazil to meet me in person. When the time came, he said he was too afraid to break something, meaning he was too scarred of not being able to perform well. It broke my heart but we kept our online relationship, in which he was always romantic, the sweetest person Ive ever known in my life.
He knew he had broken my heart, and decided to break up to avoid making me suffer more. I had the chance to leave mom with my brother and went to meet him, with the hope I would prove he had nothing to be afraid of.
But when I knocked at his door he had a panic attack, couldnt breathe, he trembled, I thought he was going to have a heart attack.
I went to a hotel and we talked on Skype. He was sweet again, but said it was too much for him. I tried to contact him when I came back to Brazil, but he kept avoiding me.
I used to be a yoga teacher and an astrologer, had written many books on vedic sciences, but when we knew each other on that writing forum I was writing my memoir, in which I tell the stories about my travels to India, and the loss of a brother whose ashes I took to a holy river. This guy helped me to edit my memoir. He knows every single event of my life. He is a terrific writer as well, he writes sci-fy, and I used to edit his pieces as well.
I was the only girl, I have 3 brothers, one is diseased. I was always the princess, and was loved by my father and brothers as nobody else in the world.
On the other hand, my relationship with my mother has been always difficult. I love her deeply, but she is a pain in my ass.
Right now, after being advised by so many people in so many forums about my question, I am extremely anxious and scared. I dont want to suffer anymore because of him, and I dont want to cause him any suffering either. I was even considering canceling our video call. But I am no coward, I have a good heart and good intentions, and if he is willing to have this call I will give us both this chance to forgive and forget.
I wish I could be funny and make him laugh as I always did, but reading so much about the matter made me tense. I just want both of us to relax.
Thanks for the support!

Sounds like you have traumatic bonding issues. I think if you look it up, you'll learn a lot.

What books did you write?

Dear DeliAnnem,
I am reading about traumatic bounding and can relate. It is a huge finding. I must discuss about it with my psychiatrist. It makes more sense than addiction to love. I can clearly see how all my manic episodes and depressive episodes were triggered by such relationships. Once more, thank you for your help!
My books are on Amazon under the pen name Om Shanti.

In case anyone is curious, we had the call yesterday. He started by saying it would be our last contact because he cant bear so much drama. He showed many signs of panic. It was very painful for me to realize I can cause him so much distress. Despite that, he said I have helped him, and he hopes someday he can have a healthy relationship with someone. It was a relief to know that I didnt discourage him to pursue happiness.
The effect this call had on me was devastating, though. I feel quite pathetic, and just want to withdraw, so I apologize in advance if I dont reply comments that might be given by you. I thank you all for the advice.

I hope you get the closure you need by letting him go.

The thing is you can't always help someone. They have to want to help themselves. I think you are projecting your wants and desires onto him. If he is not ready then let it be. Him being a virgin isn't a big deal either. You don't want him to lose that when he isn't ready.

But I understand how you feel. Wanting to help someone is difficult when they don't want it. I spent a lot of time with a man who was very troubled. I wanted to "fix" him. It wasn't right.. I wanted to fix him so I could have a boyfriend and projecting my desires onto him.
Honestly, for your own mental health I think you need to let this go and find someone who is ready for a relationship because you deserve that. Maybe finding someone closer would be best for you. I understand online dating and I have done it before, but what you may need right now is a full relationship you can focus on. Also a relationship where all of your affection is returned.

Hopefully none of this offends you. I honestly hope for you to be happy.