In 2012 I was diagnosed with BPD while in a psychiatric hospital for suicidal ideation. I thought that this was a bad diagnosis and so did some of my loved ones. Recently though, my husband pointed out to me that this may not be a bad diagnosis and I started doing research on it. I realize that this is actually something that I do struggle with. I am in the process of trying to understand it all. I haven't really taken it all that well. I've been really depressed and honestly suicidal. I do not in any way want to die, but the pain that I feel is indescribable. I've been going down a path of self-destruction and I do not know how to get out of it. I have started smoking again and cannot stop even though I know that it is making me feel bad mentally and physically. I've also, in the past, struggled with pornography addiction and cannot seem to get it back under control after I relapsed a couple of weeks ago. I have not been eating much and have lost some weight because of it. I pushed everyone away including God and I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. I don't know who I am anymore and feel like everything in my life has been a lie.

I'm very confused and need help. What do I do? How can I possibly go back to God after turning away like this? I am ashamed, embarrassed, angry, devastated, etc. I feel just about every negative emotion swirling around inside of me all at once. How do I break free? I'm losing it. How did I not see all of this before? How did I go from fine one week to a complete mess the next? Please help me understand what I am going through?