Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
What is your PD like for you.... how does it affect the way you act and think. How does it affect what you need... Describe it.... Now is your chance to say whether you hate it or love it..... or both. Is it an intrinsic part of you or some thing that you have to overcome?
We can all go to any number of websites and read the symptoms of all of the PDs but we all know that their simple explanations are nothing compared to the reality......and that the reality is different for everyone.... you can not say.. "Oh they have BPD, I know what they are like" because unless you know the individual you know nothing.....
So here's your chance... Who are you and how does your PD affect you and how do you feel about it.......
We can all go to any number of websites and read the symptoms of all of the PDs but we all know that their simple explanations are nothing compared to the reality......and that the reality is different for everyone.... you can not say.. "Oh they have BPD, I know what they are like" because unless you know the individual you know nothing.....
So here's your chance... Who are you and how does your PD affect you and how do you feel about it.......
I think people misunderstand Schizoid PD as much as the other PDs..... I have seen too many people relate it to Narcissistic PD or even Antisocial PD but nothing could be further from the truth..... We are really just loners... to the max. Most people are unhappy about their isolation, for whatever reason they isolate... the main symptom of Schizoid PD is that we LIKE our isolation. I could happily live in the country and never see another human for the rest of my life. But that doesn't mean we dislike, hate, or think we are better than other people.... just that we do not have the need to be social.... I can like people but it tends to be on an individual basis..... put people together in groups and they change and become something they are not.... they lose something of themselves to belong to this group or that group.... they lose their individuality and uniqueness and become something totally different than what they are...... I do not feel better than anyone.. on the contrary, I admire many people but don't need or even want admiration. I would never do anything deliberately to hurt or manipulate anyone..... I follow the laws that are in place to keep order but I don't fall into the social need for a caste system.... I don't fall prey to the great need for status. I do not place people in order based on their wealth, intelligence, power..... I judge people based on their selves..... not their positions in society. I'm not wowed by hummers, fame, Phd's.... I guess in a way I have just turned my back on society... but not on people. I like people but not so much when they are in the trappings of society.... does that make any sense? I follow the laws that are necessary for order but I do not follow societies unspoken laws of status, or social niceties.... I do not wear make up or do anything with my hair. I do not buy expensive clothes or feel the need for Tommy Hilfiger to advertise on my chest..... I buy things that I like.... I buy things of high quality or beauty..... but not things to impress..... and I do not cultivate people to be impressed..... I do not need that even in it's most simple form........ At a very basic level I do not understand the need to be social.... any more than people understand my need for isolation....... I CAN be social but only at my choosing, and I will walk away without a moments notice if it becomes boring for me.... I understand that people have the need to be together.... sometimes I think I understand it better than you because I see it without prejiduce from the outside but then I know that I understand nothing. And none of it really matters anyway. Nothing REALLY matters.
I am fascinated by society...... I am fascinated by societies that have risen and fallen and watch as an outsider as our own society changes... everything from a small religious groups to the world at large.... who joins and who stands out and rebels and why.. Im like a 2 year old with the word why..... I find it interesting that the most powerful leaders have always been insane..... As much as they fear insanity what draws them to it?
I do not hold that life is precious and should be supported at all costs. I have no problem with preventative assignation, abortion, assisted suicide, the death penalty. I believe in the right of the individual to choose for themselves. I do not believe in heaven or hell or any sort of afterlife..... I believe that we are all nothing but tiny motes of existence..... we have but a tiny flash of brilliance then nothing...... that we search for meaning in an existence that has none..... we are just a cosmic joke.... But maybe that's not a Schizoid thing.. maybe that's just my thing. However I find that many of the Schizoids I know are quite existential....
I spend much of my life in fantasy. I have a veritable library of fantasy worlds where I can spend weeks or even months at a time... jealous of anything from the "real" world that requires my attention...... It's like this world holds nothing of value that I want or need..... I do not belong here....
Our emotions are mostly blunted and our faces do not show much emotions because there is not much there to show.. I hear people say that even Schizoids are terribly lonely inside. But thats just it, we arent! If we were terribly lonely in our isolation wouldnt that make us just like everyone else? What then is there to label as disordered? It is the liking of the isolation that makes us so different that makes us not understandable.. So in order to understand they say we must be lonely.. MUST be. I dont get why people cant accept that there are things that they will never understand. Why does everything have to be labeled and stuck in its box.. Understanding, knowledge, enlightenment. Of all the knowledge there is to be had a single human can only hold a infenitestiaml piece of it yet they still cannot accept this unknowing.. this acceptance of things not categorize they will assign meaning where there is none to accomplish this..
The ramblings of a Schizoid..... I have argued with my therapist that Schizoid PD really should not be classed as a PD because we are not distressed by it..... if I like the way I am and I am not hurting anyone by my actions or thoughts then how can that be a disorder... It is only a disorder because we are so far outside of the norm that people just plain do not understand us..... they do not understand the need for constant solitude so they need to label us as aberrant....... Whatever, they may call me whatever they want just as long as they leave me alone and don't have expectations of me.... I have no expectations of them. He says that I hurt those that care for me like my family, I offend those I work with by rebuffing their offers of friendship.... that I can not take care of myself alone.... I don't ask for understanding, I just ask for acceptance. The intent behind my social abstinence is not to offend or hurt anyone... it is only to give myself what I need...... I do not ask for money, love, power, admiration..... I only ask that I be left alone....
Affects:
-I'm forever and always changing my appearance, wardrobe, and what I want to go to school for.
-My BPD is also accompanied with severe anxiety, panic attacks, and OCD.
-I'm afraid of everything. Going to a doctor's appointment alone, running errands, paying my bills, falling asleep, etc etc. And I don't know if that is more due to my OCD, but I think some of the symptoms of BPD can cause me to be afraid as well.
-Loneliness kills me, sometimes. When it's on my own terms, I'm ok with being alone. But when I feel that I am being "abandoned" or "rejected", the loneliness is almost too much to bear.
-My anger gets the best of me.
-I go back and forth from loving my boyfriend to hating him.
-I go through periods where I can sleep 13 hours a day to getting as little as 6 hours in 3 days.
-I almost always feel empty inside.
-I have dissociated most of my life. I'm out with friends, shopping, driving, watching tv, as I type this, I am off in another world. I'm never fully experiencing anything.
-I very much feel the abandonment issues with BPD.
-I always think the worse thing, which leads me to panic.
On the positive:
-I'm creative.
-I'm intelligent.
-I'm compassionate.
-And I have an innate ability to read people. Whether this is good or bad, I don't know. Sometimes I am right on key. But sometimes, my perceptions are so clouded with fears that I misjudge people and don't trust their intentions.
I love the positives of my BPD. I hate the negatives.
I am, though, grateful for the struggles I have been through. I feel as if they have molded me into a loving and compassionate person (though it may not always come across that way.) But I am ready to move on. I wish for my BPD to end, leave me with the gifts I've acquired along the way, and let me heal and move on from my the misfortunes of this diagnosis.
If nobody is around me or acknowledges me, I don't feel like I am really alive. I almost need somebody there to prove my existance.
I have an odd way of speaking and people have no idea what I am saying. Outside of the internet I really have no friends because I shun everyone. People are intolerable face to face.
I have great amounts of social anxiety. I go to school and shake. My best friend is my journal because it is not offended by me.
I go through periods of time when I feel like my world is all disoriented. This makes it hard to think and it is irritating like nails on a chalkboard. During this time I will say mean things and not remember it.
It is easier to be alone than to be around other people, because I feel lonely no matter what. I go through periods of inner turmoil that I call dark phases. This is what a dark phase is like... I am so lonely I can't take it anymore, but I cannot make any connections. Whatever it is that I am supposed to get from being around others it is not there. So I will spend months sitting in my room alone, in the dark, crying because there is nothing I can do.
I am supposed to have someone in my life that I am close to but I have managed to push everyone away...I really am alone.
This is Schizotypal Personality Disorder...oh fun.
I got no prob being alone, so isolating is no biggie.
The only thing that gets in the way of me enjoying my quirks is my financial situation, if i could get that under control......I'm ok with being me, i've stopped most of my destructive behaviours so that helps.....
i was diagnosed as borderline personality disorder and bipolar about a year and a half ago. i was honestly relieved when i was told this because it made me feel like now i can have something to explain my ridiculous life ive had till that day.
basically how borederline affects me is in some ways completely opposite of you. i cannot STAND to be alone. at all. i constantly had a boyfriend from the age of 15 to 20. when the guy would break up with me cuz i was "to much to handle" id go looking for someone else. but when id get bored with a boyfriend id start picking fights to test how much they really wanted me around....and when they would threaten to leave me id beg them to come back. i would hate and love them at the same time. i had a few boyfriends that were abusive. but id keep them around because i wouldnt want to be alone. im only 21 and ive had 4 boyfriends live with me already. i was kicked out of my house when i was 18 because my dad found out how "promiscuous" i was...and hated it. we didnt talk for months.
the feeling of being alone at night was so strong i felt like i was physically hurting. i would become extremely depressed and started taking vicadin to just numb the pain i had. i would also drink benedryl to even get to sleep. because i couldnt if i didnt have someone laying next to me.....i no....sounds ridiculous right? but thats just me.
i also dont trust anyone. i would always think that people are lieing to me. example: boyfriends talking to someone on the phone. and after he gets off i ask him who it is. and he says his friend alan. i start thinking...[no hes not talking to his friend alan, hes prolly talking to his ex, he doesnt really like me as much as he acts like he does, hes probably going to leave me! i need to look through his phone when he goes to shower] i basically always think that people :family, friends, boyfriends: will leave me.
i also am very paranoid. of weird things. i cant walk down dark hallways, i freak out during thunderstorms, being home alone, i just randomly keep thinking that bad things will happen to me. ive been to the hospital for panic attacks. i always have to have my xanax with me incase i start to have one.
i am constantly struggling with sleep. i cant sleep! and when i do i have horrible nightmares. my sleep medicine doesnt always work.
i also have struggled with cutting.....its an odd thing to talk about if you havent ever done it.....why would someone want to hurt themselves because there hurting inside? hmm. yea odd huh. i would just be so overwhelmed with how sad and hurt id feel, alone, unwanted....i felt like im about to burst with everything that id be feeling. so id cut till i felt like i have all the weight off my shoulders. it was a release.
even tho all this seems like a horrible thing to deal with. i dont mind it. i feel that if you have something hard that you have dealt with in life it makes you a stronger person. i havent cut in 8 months, im in a healthy relationship, i go to therapy twice a week, and am on medications and im talking to my family again :]
i believe that people who have a "mental illness" are able to look at things outside the box. because honestly i do agree with many things that you say about society. and one of my greatest fears is that there is nothing after death. because thats what i think. i just dont want to believe or accept it yet. i love life. now that ive got mine under control....for now at least.
I love being alone, i love exploring my thoughts i do not feel the need to be around people.
I like a chat or two every once in a while with ONE peson at a time too, and ususally to talk about in depth conversations i like to hear about their lives.
I used to be very materialistic but now i feel like i need very little....
kudos for how you are it shows you're free, i love this line..
"It's like this world holds nothing of value that I want or need"
I hear ya. Last year, I didn't work at all because I thought I couldn't hold down a job. And my job history proved that. But I had to force myself. It's part of recovering from these disorders, you have to recognize destructive behaviors and you have to force yourself to overpower them.
Therapy is tough. I was on and off with therapy last year, too. I was never consistant. But I finally said enough. And I forced myself to go and I forced myself to do what my therapist told me to do. It was all tough. But I'm glad that I finally stopped letting my BPD control my life. I slip up on occasion. But I refuse to BE my disorder.
I can't imagine what it would be like to have several different disorders holding you back all at once. :( I hope the best for you.