I'm in the same damn boat. Can't make decisions because no matter what I do I screw it up. Wish I had the answers. Guess we love to be miserable. I'll even hear an inner voice of my own say, you love being miserable. you like going thru all this hell. It's so screwed up and pisses me off even more.

And I'm hating myself so much now for fucking up my life and putting my daughter in a situation I hate and not feeling like I don't have any control!

Make room because I am in that boat too. I often self sabotoge too. I don't really have an answer for you but maybe we all can speak to our couselors (if you have one) and get advice then post it on here.

I don't even know how many counselors closed my case because I fuck up, I ruin relationships, friendships, I stop and start my meds often when it's really easy to just take the damn pills yadda yadda.

I guess first let's come up with reasons why we think we do that.

Try picturing this song as you and BPD... and the sick cycle is the self sabotoging behaviors.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rWOZWRC5f1Q

We definitely are scared of success. I've know this for a long time and never really knew how to get out of this thinking pattern.
I use to just think and think and think and then really do nothing about it. Maybe, because I'd rather keep thinking and wanting than doing because it's a challenge to overcome more than any other challenges out their in life.

For example: We complete a project of some sort, big or small...
I will be like... oh my... what's next... it was more fun working on it trying to reach the goal of completing it.... especially while you are right in the middle of it. I always hate the beginning and end! Love the middle cause it's comfortable, not so daunting and it creates that feeling of confidence knowing you are right are in the middle of accomplishing cause you are staying focused, involved, reveling in the fact you are in that state of bliss...

Yes the middle of the project where there is no beginning because you conquered the challenge of the beginning and no end, where you know it's the end of the project that makes you start the process of the beginning of something else all over again.

I truly believe that this is why I'm never satisfied and get bored so easily with things. I'm scared of the success because it leaves me with that feeling of always needing something new, something more challenging to conquer.

So this disorder is the epitome of challenges. It keeps us from success so that we can remain in the constant need to be successful. The true success is not in what we do, what we make, who we impress, but ...(mind goes blank) pausing for a few to think on this one... perhaps discovering who we are. Who are we really? We all feel lost trying to find our way, our path, our purpose. We are truly scared to find out who we really are, where we've been and where we are going. The middle is always safe, the place where we are right now, right in the middle of it. But at the same time we are scared to death trying to find the end of all this mess. How fucked up is that! No wonder the average person out there thinks I'm so profound in my thinking.

It's like that song U2 has: But I Still Haven't Found What I'm Lookin' For... I'm gonna go play it right now so I can be in the middle of it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7Wrj9FkLB4

Sick Cycle Carousel

Yes, Drowning, pretty much sums it up.

Sometimes finding you just comes. My career direction just fell into my lap and now I am happy at what I do for a living and actually earn money doing it. I did what all of you are doing - stuck in the middle but sometimes things outside of our control just push us into our happiest places. Like trying to get pregnant - the doctors say :stop trying so hard" I stop trying and ended up pregnant three times. I stopped trying so hard to find me and I found me. I stopped trying so hard to find my career and my career found me.

Yes I have had many counselors close my case and probably because they were incompetent but because of their incompetence I found a counselor who sees the whole me and eventhough he has threatened to fire me (Donald Trump saying) he is still here. We joke about my growth issues - I was a temper tantruming two year old, well everyone I have grown to an obnixous adolescent. See even the hardest core PD can grow up.

Of course, my answer to his observation is I told you "my therapist could be a supportive therapist - you are the one who wanted to work on growth issues, sometimes you have to watch what you want - HE just might get it".

Hello adolescence and boy is this one going to be a doosey but it feels so right to work through my independence with my therapist. Someday I will be an adult if I do not give him a heart attack before then. LOL

Wow Dancing. You give hope for the rest of us. I hope for this to happen to me without trying so hard and staying in this all or nothing mindset.

I think part of my problem is that when I reach the end it won't be what I really wanted. I have this huge problem of deferring my dreams for others. So I never seem satisfied because I feel like I am always compromising myself. I try to be supportive of my loved ones. And I will go to any lengths to see them happy. But I feel when it's my turn nobody wants to support me or let me have my dream without pushing something I wanted out of my goal. It's like going to a buffet and then finding out you can only have certain items, and there are not the ones you came for!

I hear that Lost. Same thing here! We let others get in our way too. Or we use them as an excuse to not reaching our goals. It's that self-sabotoging again and again and again because we don't think we are good enough or deserve to have success or happiness.

It's almost as if we need to be our cheerleaders for a change. We struggle with being selfish and not selfish with our loved ones.

Signs of the borderline. Sucks! When will we ever let go of the need to fix everyone but ourselves?