Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
I want to share a text I sent to my sister... Does anyone else feel this way?
I don't know not to go crazy on people. This was my thought process about this date. I was excited about it and flattered someone was showering me with attention. Then I freaked out the night before wondering if I'll be sitting there remembering Andrew or just miserable waiting for the date to end, just like I usually am. And got freaked out knowing he was giving me too much attention like wanting to see me every day and so I pushed him away. Got my hair done and felt better and decided fuck it, I should just enjoy being out of the house. So I contacted him, he didn't respond til much later but kept saying yes and no, asking me to come back to his place for wine instead. Making these suggestive comments and telling me how I ruined his night and he had to cancel the reservations, making me feel guilty after I apologized. So I ended up going off on him, as I usually do with everyone, ensuring that I'll push him so far away that he will never come back again. I'm back to where I started with this borderline bullshit. It's like it's impossible for me to control my anxiety and I freak out and push people away. It's like self sabotage. I have such a deeply rooted fear of getting close to people that it's like I set myself up for failure. It's just like Deb said- no normal person would stand my behavior. Every guy I ever dated since Andrew basically has gone through the same process and I'm sure all of my friends have to some degree. I can't describe it..........it's a double edged sword it's like I need these defense mechanisms to not feel vulnerable but in the end I feel so much worse than I did before. It's just hard to recognize that I have these problems but that it's so hard for me to pull myself out of these behaviors. Thank you for your support. I agree being busy is important but I freak out when it comes to human relationships, and not having any normal connection in that way feels lonely and isolating. It's a self imposed loneliness, and I feel like without this ability to push people away, people just see how weak and pathetic I am. Maybe I'm just better not getting close to anyone. In school everyone thinks I'm so nice and smart and giving. That's how everyone sees me when they first meet me too. That's why there's this high of feeling appreciated and glorified by people. Like how I felt with past friends and relationships. But they see who I really am eventually and they run, and I'm left with a mountain of self hatred.
I don't know not to go crazy on people. This was my thought process about this date. I was excited about it and flattered someone was showering me with attention. Then I freaked out the night before wondering if I'll be sitting there remembering Andrew or just miserable waiting for the date to end, just like I usually am. And got freaked out knowing he was giving me too much attention like wanting to see me every day and so I pushed him away. Got my hair done and felt better and decided fuck it, I should just enjoy being out of the house. So I contacted him, he didn't respond til much later but kept saying yes and no, asking me to come back to his place for wine instead. Making these suggestive comments and telling me how I ruined his night and he had to cancel the reservations, making me feel guilty after I apologized. So I ended up going off on him, as I usually do with everyone, ensuring that I'll push him so far away that he will never come back again. I'm back to where I started with this borderline bullshit. It's like it's impossible for me to control my anxiety and I freak out and push people away. It's like self sabotage. I have such a deeply rooted fear of getting close to people that it's like I set myself up for failure. It's just like Deb said- no normal person would stand my behavior. Every guy I ever dated since Andrew basically has gone through the same process and I'm sure all of my friends have to some degree. I can't describe it..........it's a double edged sword it's like I need these defense mechanisms to not feel vulnerable but in the end I feel so much worse than I did before. It's just hard to recognize that I have these problems but that it's so hard for me to pull myself out of these behaviors. Thank you for your support. I agree being busy is important but I freak out when it comes to human relationships, and not having any normal connection in that way feels lonely and isolating. It's a self imposed loneliness, and I feel like without this ability to push people away, people just see how weak and pathetic I am. Maybe I'm just better not getting close to anyone. In school everyone thinks I'm so nice and smart and giving. That's how everyone sees me when they first meet me too. That's why there's this high of feeling appreciated and glorified by people. Like how I felt with past friends and relationships. But they see who I really am eventually and they run, and I'm left with a mountain of self hatred.
Once you learn to regulate your emotions, you'll be okay.
Read Thicht Naht Hahn. (Sp??? I can never remember how to spell his name!)
What turned me around is the 20 minute rule... Emotions are NOT real. They are only chemicals in your brain. They last 20 minutes. If you can sit with your bad feelings, talk to them, and breathe, the initial intensity will pass. You can learn to talk yourself down off the proverbial ledge and all will be okay.
Hugs!