Went to my individual DBT therapist and I told him how I was doing and he said it sounds good. I touched on some bad aspects of my life and he just blew it off so not important enough to deal with it. I now c him once a month for maintenance. I am tried of my present being negatively impacted by my mistakes I made in the past. I made them and own them and now there is nothing I can do about it. It is over done. I lost a lot but I can't change anything. I can't make my kids life better. Children are drug addicts and have no desire to fix it. They are very close to being mentally retarded and with all the pot they smoke I am pretty sure there IQ has gone down into the mentally retarded arena. They are not capable of having children so no grandchildren. I am ready to die. Life is over for me. I am 64- an old woman. There is nothing else to work on. My life is ruined and it is too late. Age discrimination, body falling apart physically waiting for the big heart attack. This is the reality. End of rope. They will have to learn and maybe not. I am done. I guess I have finalized my life. I know I should be in the seniors lounge where we wait to die but started here and did not want to copy. If the moderators wants to move it so be it.
I have tried for many years for this to change, I have changed my attitude, my opinion, my being, my outlook and this is the reality of an old mentally ill woman Other than things that do not matter to me at all there is not much use in dreaming. I am an old borderline, I have had a great deal of trauma. I have a great deal of flashbacks, memories and this is from my experience with mental health staff. They did not know what they were doing when I was in my 30s they told me I was a useless, bad woman. They told me I was suppose to die and why did I "not follow through" with my suicide so that their problem would go away.
By the time I got into the right therapy it is too late. People with mental illness in this state cant be a worker nor a volunteer with any organizations like Big Brothers, Big Sisters, senior citizen organizations, Girl Scouts, nothing. All of those option doors are closed tight. NAMI does not let me go to support groups because the leader who is Bipolar had a conflict with me and she won the people at NAMI over because they did not want a Borderline in the group anyway. So you can see I have tried to turn it around and I am left with empty hands, heart and mind.
So please do not give me some textbook statements that make me feel worse as I could just change everything if I changed my outlook. Give it a break. I do not see you doing that with the younger members.
Now, the past is all I have. The future is dismal to say the least and the present is extremely painful. So I am stuck trying to have a good present but there is nothing that I can achieve that will make it better. I have tried all types of activities, therapies etc etc etc etc etc. I am now drinking every night just to get rid of the ongoing flashbacks. I hope for nights that I do not have nightmares so I can get at least 12 hours of calm and peace. When I have a nightmare then I only get 5 hours of peace because I start drinking at 5 when I walk in the door. I have never drank before in this fashion but it is the only way to stop the thoughts from coming in every minute. I am too old to become addicted because even if I do, I will be dead before it matters. I have several physical diseases that will kill me before the addiction does so oh well, it gives me peace now. And isn't that what DBT tells us to do have a "life worth living" well this is it for me. Drink, no memories or flashbacks and I can sit and watch tv in peace. Been through all of the AA, EA, OA and Alanon and have not had a positive experience. When I ask people to be my sponsor again they do not want to be a sponsor to a borderline.