Personality Disorders Support Group
Personality disorders form a class of mental disorders that are characterized by long-lasting rigid patterns of thought and behaviour. Personality disorders are seen by the American Psychiatric Association as an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the culture of the individual who exhibits it.
I'm not a medical professional, nor do I have a background in psychology, but I have a very strong suspicion my ex-girlfriend suffers from BPD.
She dumped me for the 4th time about two months ago, and frankly this time I was not devestated and heartbroken like the previous times. However I do still love her and care for her deeply, and after taking in all her contradictory actions and words, I have a keen sense of the pain in her life.
After the previous breakups we did text each other, but not this time. I sent her two or three texts the first week, asking if she was okay and that I wasn't angry or bitter, and her response was to unfriend and block me on Facebook. Since then I've just left her to herself. No contact, if you will.
It's not that I want to get back together, because after all the emotional trauma I experienced I'm fairly certain I don't want to go through that again. I've also resolved to not contact her again, but if she does flip the switch again and initiates contact seeking reconciliation as she has the other times, I don't want to say or do anything that causes her more pain.
If she does contact me, I would like to pick up on a phone conversation we had a while back, where one night (actually very early morning - she would do this often because she would get anxious and obsess over seemingly small things and not be able to sleep) she called me and cried her eyes out, asking why all her relationships fail miserably, what's wrong with her, she hates her life and I'm the only good thing in her life.
I had asked her if she ever considered therapy, and she said yes. At the time she was too despondent and I didn't want to pursue that line of thought, so I let it drop and just listened.
I don't know if she's BPD. I can't know that even though she does display many of the behaviors and even admits to some of them, however I do believe she needs professional help and I'd like to gently steer her in that direction. But I don't know how she would react.
With her there's not the right way, wrong way and her way. There's only the wrong way and her way. She does not react well to thoughts and suggestions that diverge from her way of thinking, especially when it's an emotionally charged topic.
Any thoughts, advice or opinions are welcome.
I know I earlier said I would not be willing to jump back in a romantic relationship with her, and in her current emotional state that is true. However if she would come to terms with the fact she might have a problem and sought therapy and pursued it in earnest, I would stand by her and support her as a very good and steadfast friend.
And who knows what the future might hold? As I said, I do love her and care for her deeply. She has lots and lots of good and admirable qualities. Even if the future only held friendship for us, I would be more than happy with that. I just want her to be happy, and it does give me pain that she is so fundamentally unhappy with her life. :(
She dumped me for the 4th time about two months ago, and frankly this time I was not devestated and heartbroken like the previous times. However I do still love her and care for her deeply, and after taking in all her contradictory actions and words, I have a keen sense of the pain in her life.
After the previous breakups we did text each other, but not this time. I sent her two or three texts the first week, asking if she was okay and that I wasn't angry or bitter, and her response was to unfriend and block me on Facebook. Since then I've just left her to herself. No contact, if you will.
It's not that I want to get back together, because after all the emotional trauma I experienced I'm fairly certain I don't want to go through that again. I've also resolved to not contact her again, but if she does flip the switch again and initiates contact seeking reconciliation as she has the other times, I don't want to say or do anything that causes her more pain.
If she does contact me, I would like to pick up on a phone conversation we had a while back, where one night (actually very early morning - she would do this often because she would get anxious and obsess over seemingly small things and not be able to sleep) she called me and cried her eyes out, asking why all her relationships fail miserably, what's wrong with her, she hates her life and I'm the only good thing in her life.
I had asked her if she ever considered therapy, and she said yes. At the time she was too despondent and I didn't want to pursue that line of thought, so I let it drop and just listened.
I don't know if she's BPD. I can't know that even though she does display many of the behaviors and even admits to some of them, however I do believe she needs professional help and I'd like to gently steer her in that direction. But I don't know how she would react.
With her there's not the right way, wrong way and her way. There's only the wrong way and her way. She does not react well to thoughts and suggestions that diverge from her way of thinking, especially when it's an emotionally charged topic.
Any thoughts, advice or opinions are welcome.
I know I earlier said I would not be willing to jump back in a romantic relationship with her, and in her current emotional state that is true. However if she would come to terms with the fact she might have a problem and sought therapy and pursued it in earnest, I would stand by her and support her as a very good and steadfast friend.
And who knows what the future might hold? As I said, I do love her and care for her deeply. She has lots and lots of good and admirable qualities. Even if the future only held friendship for us, I would be more than happy with that. I just want her to be happy, and it does give me pain that she is so fundamentally unhappy with her life. :(
Enjoy the holiday weekend!
I guess if you want my opinion well. With the things you mentioned I wouldnt rule BPD out, but theres a ton of other things that could be going on. I mean she definitely seems a bit emotionally unstable.
My advise for you would be to take some time to clear your head and really think. Maybe do some meditation in there, if your comfortable with that sort of thing. I think you should really try to think about what -you- need in -your- life for you to be happy and stable. It really does sound like you care about her, and thats great, but you need to take care of yourself.
No matter what it turns out is going on with her, nothing you do can make her better / cure her. You can be supportive and a great friend, yes, but these kind of things need to be taken on by the person themselves. Shes going to have to go through therapy and do the work, whatever that entails.
I know that can be really hard for people in your position, the supportive one. Especially when she is really distraught. But really, just being there to listen without judging will in the and help her much more than trying to diagnose her, etc.
Also because diagnosises arent taken lightly, and by that I dont mean to imply that you arent taking it seriously. Ive been diagnosed and undiagnosed etc a good number of times. The first mental illness being BPD when I was in high school and it was an incredible blow and something I really had a ton of trouble sorting out and Im just now, 3 years later recovering from just the diagnosis issue. Im gonna tell you from experience that I would have been much better off if the people around me (and myself for that matter) didnt try to nitpick and look up possible diagnosis and instead just left the diagnosing to the doctor 100% and leave it be otherwise. It just added to the confusion and panic in a way that was not productive.
Getting back to you though, I still really want to emphasize taking care of yourself. You cant help anyone when you are not well, first of all. And getting very wrapped up in another persons mental issues can lead to codependency which is a nasty thing to overcome. You dont want to become an enabler, either, so its really important for you to take some time for yourself.
Remember you can always take some space and be more in contact later. I know the significant others that I left alone for a few years became the easiest ones to talk to afterwards.
Oh my I think Ive written you a lot thats almost rambling so Im gonna end it here.
Good luck, I wish you both the best in this process.
Peace and love,
TwilightStar