Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I can't help but feel like the worst parent. This is a long story, so bear with me.
When my daughter was 2, she pointed to her vagina and said her brother's name. As a survivor myself, I freaked out. My son swore that he hadn't touched her, and I nearly lost him over it. There was nothing to prove that he had, and she showed no signs of being traumatized. Shortly afterwards, she started saying that everyone had touched her (even people who had no such access), so after going through the examination and doing all I could, I chalked it up to my overreacting.
A couple of years later, she told me that a family friend had forced her to have oral sex. The story was much more detailed this time and didn't change or get shifted to someone else, but because of the previous experience, I didn't believe her at first. Strike one for me.
She is now 14, and she is a beautiful child, but she has been sexually harassed at school and was nearly attacked by another child last year (though I was proud of her for standing up for herself and putting a stop to it right away). She also identifies as gay and transgender demimale (which, apparently, means that she is male unless she is doing ballet?). She has ADHD, and she's also a cutter, but her counselors and I agree that it is not really for self-harm (it's more like scratches) but for attention.
On Monday, she missed the bus, and when I picked her up, she told me that she had given a boy at school oral sex. She said that she was afraid to say no and that was traumatic, but she just wanted to avoid him and not have to work with him in class. By Tuesday, the story had changed. She said no, and he had forced her. Once again, I'm a horrible parent for questioning her story. I want to believe my child, but she has made it difficult. To compound the problem, she had made out with him before missing the bus, and she had escaped what he wanted. Then she went back?? I don't understand at all, and I don't know how to empathize with her.
I've basically cried for two days straight, and she's just angry (but only with me--she's laughing with her friends). Unfortunately, her anger isn't really anything new. She has treated me horribly for years with name calling and lies (not just about this but about homework, chores, etc.). I have no idea what to do. She has an appointment to be evaluated for bipolar next week, but she's never listened to a counselor before, so I don't know why she would start now.
I feel completely alone and helpless, and it seems to be all my fault.
As for my son, the family friend who did abuse her was around back then, so I've often wondered if it was actually him long before I knew anything about it--that I missed something. But I am quite certain that it was not my son.
What you said about the calling you to look at the cuts is also something my daughter does. She wants me to see her pain, but like I said, it's almost like I'm supposed to then let her do whatever she wants.
The boy was disciplined though I'm still not clear on what happened. The school says her story didn't change, but it did change with me. Once again, it's as if she wants to start an argument with me, specifically. Some may say that that means she trusts me, but it's exhausting. Honestly, I feel like I've tried everything from essential oils to therapy and meds. She may let go of one thing, but then she has to come back with something else. Honestly, I have felt inadequate as her mother almost since the day she was born--like I could never give her enough attention. All of this scares me to death.
At her age the best you can do is get her in the care of good professionals. Work on your own responses and boundaries with her not to enable destructive behavior. She may have a hard path until she decides to turn it around and she can. It might be good to have your own therapist also or a support group.
I always wanted a good relationship with my mom but I needed her to be a real mom and step up. I needed her to be the adult she was and be strong for me when I was the kid. Even if you've made mistakes it's never to late to make a change. If you don't feel like you have it all now which who does we aren't professionals after all get the support you need start asking the questions. One day at a time.
I listen to Joel Osteen (Christian speaker) he always has a positive message on coming thru life's difficulties. As a child I never heard words of healing or second chances only things like ruined, damaged, failure, weak, not normal. I didn't know I was perfectly made, I could ask for strength and know God has my back, that He could turn my perceived failed life into a story of victory of overcoming, my greatest strength is formed in my weaknesses. Normal is a setting on the dryer.
I'd like to think those words would have helped me. I don't really know but they help me now.
And I tell my kids that's a part of life. The good and the bad for everyone. The most aganozing thing for me as a parent to have to admit is I can't keep life from touching my kids. It makes me down right furious that I have to teach them how very dissapointing and unfair life can be. How horrible people can be. Ugh. I like the hallmark version of life.
This issue is like getting hit with a train. It's far to common and seems to just be getting worse or my perspective is jaded. Either way ask your questions here we have been there or are there. Healing hugs for you and your daughter.
Recently she told me that all the health issues were fake. The back issues, the leg pains, the stomach pain, all of it -- we spent thousands of dollars on treatments, x-rays, and countless hours at specialists -- was put on for attention. Cutting is impossible to fake -- it's a good way to get that attention without any chance of being mistaken. But the motive for your daughter's cutting appears to be the same that led my daughter to convulse in response to imagined back spasms.
How desperately our girls have needed to be noticed for their true, but unspeakable, needs!
It does sound as if your daughter has singled you out for punishment for the needs you weren't sure she had. The fact that she can tear your heart out one moment and be laughing with her friends the next says a lot. Forgive yourself -- it's almost impossible to wrap our minds around the truth of our children's having been sexually abused, even if it's happened to us (it hadn't happened to me). Use that humble realization to power your reconnection with your daughter. Listen more and speak less. But explain that you would like for her to let you know the moment she gets the impulse to cut, rather than afterward, so she can let out the pain without releasing any blood. This tells her you're paying attention and ALSO protecting her from further harm. When she calls you over to look at the cuts -- and you go to have a look -- this reinforces her idea that this is the only way to gain your attention, which rewards and perpetuates the behavior.
Also, be aware that emotional distress can create symptoms of ADHD. Imagine the last time you couldn't find your keys or your wallet. No matter what you were doing before, suddenly all your focus is on the hunt. You begin to say and do things you might not normally say or do, like throwing all of the items out of your purse onto the floor, and not being able to hear what someone else is saying. Is your daughter on a focus med? Do you or her teachers notice whether it makes a difference? An anxiety med might be of more value.
But I am trying to take care of myself. I'm heading out now to go to a yoga for anxiety/psoas workshop.
This will sound absurd, but don't take it personally that she has chosen to heap her scorn on you for this. Yes, you may have made mistakes, but that's what they were, not attempts to hurt her. But you are a "safe" target. She is probably too scared of her abusers to address her anger toward them. It sucks to be a punching bag, but at least she's letting it out in some fashion, and you now recognize the reason for it.
And thanks for the new vocab word -- I didn't know what a psoas was!