Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My 5-year-old had another emotional day, with random outbursts of anger and hypersensitive reactions to everything. When I told him to tell his big brother who he was angry at he said "monster boy"... (and?) "Monster girl"... (and?)..."big monster"... (and?)..."monsteR"... (and?)..."dad-ster" (and?)..."momster" (and?)..."that's it!" I had thought he would have said the "Satan" like the day before but apparently he is processing a lot of memories today. I had to sit with him and feed him dinner in order for him to eat. He couldn't sit still and kept hiding under the table whining "don't touch me!" Then, he lied down on the bench and did a pause and reflection, looking very seriously at me, and stated "mommy, I want to go back to before when I was daddy's little man. I want to be good again before all the bad memories happened!" (Remember, he would be younger than 2 before abuse happened!) Very quickly his eyes overflowed with tears and my heart broke all over again. I held him, called my husband in to the kitchen, and we spent 15 min. Of reinforcing to him that the abuse did not change him being daddy's little man, that we loved him so much, that we wished he hadn't gone through all of it either but that now it was in his past and that he was a good person when he does what's right with God's help. This precious 5 year old is so learned for such a short life...but I have faith that God will help him heal fully, even though the labor pains are intense!
These episodes reinforced that he remembers back to before he was 2 years old, just like I do, that his abuse was definately more than a one-time thing and that despite the constant wavering of all 3 kid's stories which creates doubt in me, it WAS the whole monster family that hurt my babies! Even after 2 years...disclosures keep coming...and the pain is still real.
The sense of being a bad person is one of the most persistent and pervasive symptoms of my daughter's abuse -- 20 years later. Just the other day she said she has created nothing of value in the world. I know she feels (justifiably) guilty for the hurt and financial damage she has caused as a result of her addiction (still in remission, thank you), but it's almost as if she cannot fully picture herself as being a worthwhile person, and that makes further substance abuse a steady threat.
I have said it before, and will say it again: those of you whose children have disclosed WHILE they are children have a good chance of avoiding the scourge of chronic low self-esteem due to abuse. You can dispel your survivor children's misperceptions of themselves while they still have plenty of time to build up a "portfolio" of accomplishments they can identify properly, with your help. Without disclosure, the secret itself gains such corrosive power that it destroys the survivor's budding sense of self-worth. In fact, my daughter has done much good, and has incredible potential to do more. But she cannot maintain the glow of a healthy self-regard for more than a short time before self-doubt creeps back in.
I'm really glad you and your husband were and are able to address your children's moments of self-doubt on the spot. They need praise for their accomplishments, so they know that value is not assigned, but earned; that stops the self-labeling of "good" or "bad," and helps them focus on the good they can DO.