You were too busy taking care of your kids and put your own emotions aside until last. Maybe just now you're allowing yourself to go through all the necessary out pouring of emotions before you can achieve peace?

I feel you on the whole emotionally exhausted issue...we were so looking forward to being a normal family after my oldest completed treatment for cancer! We literally jumped into the whole sexual abuse of 3 kids the day after we got back from our make-a-wish trip, the last day we got together with the monster's family, and have slept less now since everything has come out. We are 10 months from disclosures, 14 months from the end of chemo, 2 years from the start of our long journey with cancer...along the way I've had a baby, been diagnosed with life-changing medical ailments, my husband almost died from a pulmonary embolism, I lost my drivers license due to an error in medical reporting and 9 months later after my baby was born re-joined the driving community....you name it, we've dealt with it. It's very true for us that just when you think that everything is calming down a monkey wrench gets thrown in. Either a new victims is revealed, or more scary details about what happened, or health issues, etc. The only thing that I can say has helped me is finding something that gives you a feeling of peace and relaxation that you can do every once in a while. Do you have a creative outlet you could channel your emotions into? for me it's praying with friends, writing a book, exercising, etc.

Well, woulddoitagain, my finger slipped and I totally lost the long, carefully crafted response I had begun.

So let me just say: you sound perfectly normal to me. We run on adrenaline trying to protect our children and set them on a healing path, and when they progress, we are relieved, but we can't rejoice. We're exhausted, and worried about new revelations, triggers, flashbacks, and still trying to process the actuality of what we've been through. The truth is, it will never go away, and it changes us forever -- even if we

What helped me was: time, learning how to meditate (a practice I have not maintained), including guided meditation (I found Belleruth Naparstek's CDs/MP3s really helpful), and EMDR therapy, and Prozac. Unfortunately, no matter how much you do for yourself, time is going to be the biggest factor in healing, because you need lots of practice in believing in the process of getting through another day, and waking up yet again. How will you spend that time? Taking little steps and giving yourself credit for every one of them. Every shirt you fold -- you did it! Every meal you cook, you did it! You can and should feel really good about these little steps. They show that you have enough energy to move forward, and maybe you can take just one more step.

One other thought, regarding libido. This is NOT just an energy thing. I found it very difficult to have sex after disclosure -- I couldn't stop thinking about how scared my daughter must have been when she was raped. I couldn't imagine enjoying it again, and I wondered how my husband could even consider sex. Frankly, I'm not sure how I eventually resolved the issue for myself except to remind myself that this was something I could do without guilt -- we were two adults, and it was normal. So you may have some more working through to do, beyond just getting your energy back. You may need to take some time for yourselves, just you and your husband, to spend working on finding pleasure again. Another possibility -- I don't know your age, but your hormones might be changing, so you might want to mention this to your gynecologist. But be kind to yourself. You have been working VERY hard to help your children, and haven't had a lot of time to think about your own needs, and as we know, the brain is the biggest sex organ; once it's able to relax and recuperate, the other organs will probably switch back on.

Many, many hugs. You are doing the best you can, and now you're going to add some more self-care into the mix.

Naive you had me at Prozac lol I know it's not funny but for me going on anti depressants has helped my brain tremendously along with doing the actual work for myself in celebrate recovery. I completed a year long step study where I got to work on my emotions and myself for a full year. I was able to release the toxic negative emotions that were trapped inside me towards the perp and unsupportive family members and find closure and peace with the no relationship with my mom. Now I get to work on my anger and toxic feelings in my marriage due to separate devastating events (im an onion in progress) I'm so glad to have the tools to deal with my tragic life and love and support!!! One day at a time you'll get there.

Oh and the monkey wrench is life and it will never stop croping up. I use to think when this happens everything will be great or that the reality is there will always be something I don't expect both good and bad. So what I do now is enjoy and soak up the good moments everyone of them ... Live thankful and in the midst of the storm remember just as the negative things arrive the positive things arrive also and it's all a normal expierence for everyone on this planet. We only have now. Even in bad circumstances it's possible to spend a moment just breathing in the good that's always there if we look for it. Early on I would pause and be thankful my child in that moment wasn't being abused... Thankful that she wouldn't see her abuser. Yeah everything else sucked but I could pause a moment in that truth and be thankful. Hugs.

We are nearly 9 years into my youngest disclosing. The first couple of years every waking day was a miserable reminder of what happened. Gradually the next couple of years had gotten better, not perfect but we were moving in the right direction. Then...I discovered that my oldest was sending revealing pictures of himself to men (about the age of his uncle at the time of molesting my youngest) thankfully none of them had responded back. Obviously it was a HUGE red flag the he was abused too. After much therapy my son said, "if I was abused I wouldn't tell you". The therapist finally said if he wasn't willing to talk then therapy was a waste of time and money. Flash forward and he is now in a happy age appropriate gay relationship. I'm ok with him being gay if it's who he really is, but I can't get past the possibility of him being gay because of what someone may have done to him. During this time my husband emotionally shut down and was not much help.

Fast forward to now and everyone seems to be moving in the right direction and I feel like I'm still stuck in a time warp from three years ago and I can't get past it.

Warriormom, I can't imagine dealing with all this along with the health issues your family has been dealt. Prayers that your family continues healing on every level.

Woulddoitagain, thank-you. Amazingly, even through all the bad, I HAVE been able to see the good and I owe a lot of that to my faith in Jesus Christ. There's a verse that says to "count it all joy" and you know I was able to handle all the bad until the sexual abuse came out. Then I started questioning how this verse could be true! But, honestly, I had to count "it" as joyful because the mere fact I stumbled across the truth of what was happening to my children was a fluke! It was God'so perfect timing...literally because there were so many victims that we met along the way of our journey all from this same monster boy perp and if we hadn't met them through the pain of the truth, they would all be suffering on their own still. Instead, we have been able to break their chains of abuse by telling their parents, the police, CPS, the churches they attend, the kid's groups they go to, etc. We can spread awareness to our circle of friends to protect their children from what we've had to go through. Who knows who we might have spared this painful trial? Yes, life is hard, we've been dealt a rough road BUT we feel honored to be able to make a difference in such specific life circles as childhood sexually abuse, pediatric cancer, reunification (my oldest son and daughter acted out together), faith through trials, aplastic anemia, etc. It's OK to have bad days and if it makes you feel any less alone, my husband and I haven't had sexually in 1 1/2 years partly due to stress, partly due to his medicine but mostly due to the fact that he can't get out of his head about his kids being abused sexually. I on the other hand horns as he! Lol. ;) I'm patient though and I keep explaining to him that for the sake of normal we need to have sex. We have so much slanted perverted thoughts of naked bodies in our head that we need to remind ourselves what IS normal and healthy and good and right. At least that's my take on it...lol...I don't push him. He's always been a mental stimulator and I can't wait until that day comes when we're finally intimate again because it will be amazing. Keep drawing strength from this group; that's what we're all here for! There are a LOT of wise people on here!

"You had me at Prozac!" Heart, you do make me laugh sometimes, too! Thank heavens!

Woulddoitagain, please be gentle with yourself. Nine years ago or ninety, this crime never should have happened to your children. Anyone would relive the outrage and depression of those early days when reminded of this crime.

Please see your doctor. You may need a chemical boost. I remember well how depression -- I described it as being like an old running shoe that can no longer absorb the shock, so everything causes a jolt of pain. There's nothing left that will bounce back and keep you going. This sounds like what you've described.

"You had me at Prozac!" Heart, you do make me laugh sometimes, too! Thank heavens!

Woulddoitagain, please be gentle with yourself. Nine years ago or ninety, this crime never should have happened to your children. Anyone would relive the outrage and depression of those early days when reminded of this crime.

Please see your doctor. You may need a chemical boost. I remember well how depression felt -- I described it as being like an old running shoe that can no longer absorb the shock, so everything causes a jolt of pain. There's nothing left that will bounce back and keep you going. This sounds like what you've described.

One of my worst fears of not discovering if my son's were abused. I absolutely believe abuse changes sexual desires in a negative way... It imprints the reward system. It interrupts the natural order of things. I'm not going to say that is why people are gay but I believe that for many this plays a huge role. The saddest part is that it wasn't a choice of the child. But at this point your child has had therapy understands hopefully that this has affected his sexuality and the choice is his to continue working on it as I assume he is an adult now.

I believe (from my ONE up-close encounter with a survivor, my daughter) that the abuse can leave a child deeply confused...but if anything should have "made" my daughter gay, it was the violent, manipulative man who raped her and continued to abuse her when she was a second-grader, as well as the guys who raped her in college, and the guy who raped her when she needed drugs. But somehow she was able to stay heterosexual, and now she has a loving, tender, mature boyfriend, and things are going very well. So I guess there are two ways of looking at this...Is it also possible that a homosexual abuser can recognize a nascent homosexuality in a young child, and prey on that? I don't know. But I wouldn't worry too much about a child's sexuality...loving acceptance will allow him/her to find and live the truth.

And let me add to that, my daughter was lucky to have parents who love each other -- a model for what a good relationship looks like. I'm very lucky to be happily married, but my daughter could clearly see that people who love each other aren't manipulative and violent, but talk out problems and are gentle with each other. And laugh a lot.