Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
My daughter was 11 when I met her step-dad. My daughter is now 21. They have known each other a long time and my daugther calls him "one of my favourite people." When my father died, I left the country to deal with his estate. I was gone for 4 months. My partner was supposed to come and help me but made excuses why he could not leave his home country. When I came back I found out he had played up. I left him. My daughter spent time with him while I was away and then after I left him. It wasn't until after his lawyer contacted me to settle our financial agreement and sent me his bank and credit card statements that I was able to link him and her together. In effect, while I was away, my partner dated my daughter. I believe this is grooming. I believe he was in a trust situation and it shouldn't have happened. She was 18 when it occurred, but he spent money on her, made her feel special etc. When I found out I called them on it - to protect her. He denied it, she denied it - but bank accounts that match with the text messages don't lie. He took her to fancy restaurants, Gold Class movies, paid for Ubers to get them drunk - and then to whose house did they go?
The point is - she hasn't spoken to me in two years because I blew the whistle on him. He has moved on to another woman with a 13 year old daughter. My daughter says nothing happened but the bank statements say otherwise. If I got it wrong, why hasn't she spoken to me in two years? My partner says she was an adult and went to him and so they are both responsible for going out behind my back. I say she was groomed and I feel sick that I didn't protect her from it.
Struggling. Please give some insight.
Thank you.
• "SHE was an ADULT"
• "SHE WENT to him"
• "they were BOTH RESPONSIBLE"
• for "GOING OUT"
He confesses (because you found the evidence) and blames HER, so YOU feel guilty for not "protecting" her. Who's sorry now? CLEARLY, not him!!
Let's look at that confession. HE was an adult for far longer than your daughter, and he had a whole generation's more experience with managing adult choices. To be sure, he took advantage of her youth. Had she actually "chosen" him, and had he been a decent human being, then HE would have refused her. But you can be sure, he is not a decent human being, and it is absurd for him to plead victimhood because she, by his own account (and ONLY because you check your bank statements), proposed the whole thing. Two adults, TWO choices.
And what does he mean by "going out"? Just dinner and a movie? Nope: as you deduced from the statements, that was the prelude to getting drunk -- too drunk to drive. How good of him to hire the Ubers. What an upstanding citizen. His confession-diversion that "SHE went to HIM," is an indication that more happened than dinner and a movie and a drunken ride home.
Grooming often starts long before a sexual abuser makes his move. How did it happen that -- *DING* -- your daughter turns 18 and the next minute they're "going out." The roots were planted before that convenient legal milestone.
Why would a mother think to protect her daughter from the mom's own partner? Certainly not when he is carefully grooming the daughter and gaslighting the mother.
All of that being so, your concern is about your daughter not speaking to you in two years. This is a job for your own therapist to help you with, and if you don't have a mental health caregiver yet, you will definitely benefit from one now, one who is familiar with the sexual exploitation of children.
Items you may want to discuss with your therapist include:
• the circumstances in which you "called THEM on it." Were they together when you did this? Even if not, is it possible that your daughter deduced from your language that you saw her as a responsible party?
• is it possible that you feel or felt betrayed by, and angry with, your daughter? Is it possible that she merely assumes this to be true and that shame (even for something that is not her fault) makes it too painful for her to face you?
• what efforts have you made to be in touch with your daughter? Is the lack of communication only one-sided? How can you show a continuous flow of support without expecting anything in return? (Far tougher than it sounds.)
• is it possible that your daughter holds you responsible for the abuse, because you were away during the time it began ("legally")?
Please have a careful look at www.mosac.net. Know that reconciliation with your daughter is likely to be a complex process. Your daughter is clearly hurting very much, and she may have developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms she doesn't want you to know about. Substance abuse commonly follows sexual abuse. Your daughter has already been introduced to alcohol abuse as a "soother." She may feel all kinds of things at once: fury, deep shame, fear, and a desire to protect you from further contact. The abuse may even be ongoing.
I can't speak to the legal issues involved. As far as you knew, this "started" when your daughter was an adult. You may learn more as your relationship with your daughter begins to heal. Your daughter may be able to piece together instances of earlier grooming.
I know I would be sorely tempted somehow to communicate with that mom of a 13-y-o, just to let her know the facts of your own experience. This may, however, put you at risk of slander/libel charges from Mr. Manipulation, and he's surely ready and willing to gaslight her into thinking you are just a crazy ex.
At least she would be forewarned.
I'm so sorry you're in this painful situation. As we raise our children, we hope to establish a lifelong relationship with them. One manipulator can derail that dream. At least temporarily. Godspeed your healing!!!
Your son is another matter. Where did he learn to disrespect his sister? It's not your question to answer; it's his. You can broach the subject with him, if you like, but absolutely discuss this in your own therapy as well.
By the way, please think back: did the man who abused your daughter ever encourage you to stay away from home for four months? Did he make it seem as if you should take all the time you needed? It may have sounded generous and supportive at the time, but in hindsight.....
My son does respect his sister to a degree - he believes that nothing happened with her step-dad and so he has stopped talking to me. He believes his own father's lies about me because when I left his father for being a bpd controlling asshole, he felt the need to engage in parental alienation with my kids. It's messy and awful and so many lies told by him to manipulate the truth as to who and what I am.
I have thought back about my exfiancee who abused my daughter and he purposely didn't come with me overseas so he could play up. He told me all the time to come home and go back another time - and I wondered if that's because my daughter, mistakenly and confusingly, kept going over to him because he had been grooming her for so long that she had feelings for him. She was 19 and full of lust I'm sure, but if he had been decent he would have turned her away. This is why I think that he is a predator. I think he has no self control and he could not turn down what was offered. And it was only offered because he took her to Gold Class movies, out for drinks, fancy dinners, big man with a big wallet flashing it in front of a poor Uni student.
I just want a relationship with my kids again. It's been almost two years without speaking. I send them birthday, christmas cards, easter cards. They have blocked me on the phone, email, and all social media. I send snail mail to their work addresses, as I'm not allowed to know where my son lives and if I send it to my daughter who lives with her dad, it could be intercepted.
The games people play.
I'm still concerned that your current partner says such awful things about your daughter. The "concealed relationship" shows a serious misunderstanding of the nature of sexual abuse. It reminds me of when (not very long ago...) if a high school girl had sex with a teacher, people called it an "affair." As if both were consenting adults. That perspective put the girl squarely on equal footing with someone old enough to know better, and who, as a result, absolutely would want to conceal the abuse from colleagues and community. It's what led people to label the GIRL a "slut."
As I said, there's a lot to address.