That is such a hard question. Like I wrote in the other post, the one guideline I got (from an older woman who was a survivor of abuse by her father) was that you can always tell someone later, or tell them more later, but once you tell you can't take it back.

I can't find how old your daughters are now. Have you asked their therapists' advice on this? The bottom line is probably knowing that you want to give them as much power as possible to tell or not tell their story when they are old enough to decide. On the other hand, if it's going through the courts things may become public. Is the oldest still a juvenile or is his going through adult court? Usually the press doesn't report on charges that are within a family but if it's in public online court records then that much info is there for anyone. Maybe start with vague, basic information and go from there?

I'll just say, for what it's worth, that my kids are 18 and 20 now, were 16 and 18 when I found out, and they are super sensitive to their privacy, not only about the abuse but about anything at all. I don't know how common that is but I think it is related to them re-establishing boundaries after they were violated (my son's were also violated in a more subtle way before he started touching her).

I saw you had a couple close friends and your pastor who know. How have they been for support so far?

They were as young as 6 when the abuse took place. That would make them about 12 now.

The boys were as young as 13. They are now 18 and up.

My wife is having lunch today with her cousin today, which honestly has been quite supportive through this so far. I can't even say we're holding it together anymore. More like faking our way through the day.

One thing I should add, my wife and I agreed there should be a PIO, or "public information officer" for the family. Which is me, to control the flow of information.

It sounds like you and your wife are doing a pretty heroic job of working together on this. My husband left most of the "project management" to me.

It took me a long time to figure out ways to talk about various aspects of our experience without betraying my kids' confidentiality. We were very lucky our son's case wasn't prosecuted so we did retain control of information for the most part. We consulted first with my daughter about if we should tell someone, and there were several nights we just sat in the car after her therapy and discussed that kind of thing before we picked up her younger brother. It actually took over a year before she was ready for him to find out. It took a pretty heroic effort on our part to live life without him finding out, but as far as I can tell we pulled it off. At one point we did tell him, "Your older brother and sister had something happen when they were younger that they should have reported to a grownup but they didn't; now they did and we are getting them help to deal with it. They'll tell you more when they're ready, til then please ask us (parents), not them, if you have any questions." He was 12 at the time and tended to talk before he thought, had some anxiety issues already, and also we were afraid he would go to his sister for support and she didn't need that burden on top of everything else. When he was almost 14 they decided his brother would be the one to tell him what happened, which I supported.

It can be a relief in a way for people to know and not have to live a double life any more. Also the act of telling the story, while humiliating and terrifying, can end up actually reducing the shame a little more each time you do it, if the other person accepts you and supports you. Still you have to choose carefully and often just being vague and saying, "That's all we feel comfortable sharing for now, " or "I can't tell you more because it's not my story to tell" or something like that. When I had to drop out of some volunteer commitments I think I said something like, "I'm dealing with a situation that's taking a lot of time and mental energy, I can't say more about it because I have to respect the confidentiality of the others who are involved."

I'm kind of rambling and remembering what we did; your situation is definitely different.

I've gotten into the habit (so far) of just simply saying "what few things we know for fact can't be shared right now."

I have a messed up family (narcissistic but undiagnosed), so we've had to be very cautious on what they know. We also had to deal with our perpetrating family telling a false story too many of the same Social Circles we visited which made it look like we we're over-exaggerating, so we had to share enough for people to understand that it was serious but not give them detailed information.

Also, there was a great discussion post on this subject a while back in regards to what SHOULD be shared as a parent vs. keeping your child's privacy for them to share later as their own story. If I remember correctly we all came to the agreement that a parent has the right to share their story, even if they're victimized child is now an adult, as long as most of the details are left out and the focus is more on the emotions that the parents are feeling. So we've used phrases like "we were betrayed," "our children were abused," "we've gone through a lot of painful circumstances," "it was so serious that we had to deal with the police," "healing will take a long time," we shared that we all deal with PTSD so to please refrain from doing certain things that trigger our family, etc.

Then as we got to see how certain individuals responded, ie some families didn't want our children spending time with their children once they knew the circumstances mainly because they were afraid our kids would talk about those big topics with their children when the reality was our kids just wanted to play like normal kids again, so we learn to refrain from using the term sexual unless necessary and just label it abuse. But once we figure it out some of the ways that people reacted we started to hold back most pieces of information to most people but a select few that showed us they weren't going anywhere and could be trusted we're giving more of the story. We had what we called "Safe People" that we let our children know they were allowed to disclose to because we knew that those people would not keep the information from us and would be willing to report it like they were supposed to and definitely would not question their story. I agree with the sentiment that don't share what you don't need to because once you do you can't take it back. However I also think it's important that you create a support system for yourselves so that means being willing to be vulnerable and honest with at least a handful of individuals that you can bring into your inner circle of trust.

Good to see you, warriormomx5! I hope you're far from the fires.

Warriormom, this was helpful for me: If I remember correctly we all came to the agreement that a parent has the right to share their story, even if they're victimized child is now an adult, as long as most of the details are left out and the focus is more on the emotions that the parents are feeling. So we've used phrases like "we were betrayed," "our children were abused," "we've gone through a lot of painful circumstances," "it was so serious that we had to deal with the police," "healing will take a long time," we shared that we all deal with PTSD so to please refrain from doing certain things that trigger our family, etc.

Lots of great info here. With all that has happened in the past few days, it looks like the bomb might get dropped here over the weekend, or early next week. Slowly family is finding out. My wife is close to one of her sisters, and she would know the most about the situation, but she knows how to keep her mouth shut, too.

Naive1.2, missed you guys a little bit! ;) We are safe but smokey weather.

brknhrt, I'm so glad that was helpful. If there was anything good that came out of our horror, I hoped it would be comfort for others dealing with similar pain. <3

Notch8, deep breath...I know right now it feels that you will never get back to living because you're in survival mode, but every difficult step is bringing you closer to a future peace...some day. It's O.k. to feel all the emotions; even letting your children see it is good, not bad. Grieve WITH your wife & give yourself permission to not always have to be robot stoic, but turn on your humanity when you both feel safe together. I hope your wife's sister will be an added support to your family. <3