Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
I am being very vulnerable by sharing this with this group so please understand that my head is on straight and I'm very fine and I'm only sharing it for purposes of educating anyone out there that might ever go through something like I went through. I feel like I'm in a place now where I can share with you why I went quiet.
I know many of you noticed that I kind of stopped participating and that's because I was working through something very personal that had to do with my own story. Something my daughter shared with me a year-and-a-half ago triggered a memory of something that happened between my husband and I when we were just starting to date. It only happened once in our relationship and it was an exception to his rule of extreme chivalry with me. But it happened and obviously stayed with me because when my daughter shared with me that memory flashbacked in my head. Anyways, in the 20 years we've been together I have never thought about it until all the sexual abuse disclosure stuff came out. I had dealt with it in the time period that it happened and had forgiven my husband, then boyfriend.
But this past year, when it came up in my head, I dealt with it on my own for about a week before I felt the need to share with my husband (my best friend) who had absolutely no knowledge of my experience from my perspective. I actually chose to disclose the first time with our pastor present because I knew that my hubby would be confused and defensive. He was and I've attempted to finish that conversation with him for a better part of a year. Finally, this past month, we made headway! He was ready to completely hear my story. We spent our wedding anniversary sharing our sides of the story about that one night in the past. We both made it through and it relieved me to know that seeing his perspective, he had done nothing bad. I had already forgiven him 20 years ago and now that he's been able to process through this story for the last year-and-a-half he's able to forgive me for having never told him before including not telling him before we got married. He understands where I'm coming from and why I did what I did (cough*abusive parents*cough) in keeping it to myself for so long. We worked through it with our pastor and I believe we're finally on the road to our "normal" of just dealing with all the crazy circumstances.
I wanted to share this with you guys because you need to realize there are people out there who act the way they do with a complete misunderstanding of the situation not knowing that they harmed somebody. (Especially child perpetrators.) Especially if the person that was victimized never says anything. It's very important that if someone ever did anything to hurt you/your child, and you need to do something about it legally, to share the truth with the people that need to know including that person that might have harmed you, even if through a mediator. It's also very important to get therapy to work through the issues that affected you from the situation.
Our marriage is intact. I'm relieved for being able to share my burden finally. And most importantly I've been honest with the person that I hold most dear to my heart in this world...
You know, there are only 4 people in this world who know about this issue...2 being my husband & I...the others our pastor & my really close friend who's walked me through some of the worst of the disclosures. I don't feel the need to air my dirty laundry to help others by sharing specifics. I DID however share enough, a LOT for me to even just put myself out there and share that SOMETHING happened to me, so yes, I am satisfied in what I shared.
The only other part I will share actually goes back to an older post by hopefulmama, when she shared about her daughter learning about "flight, fight or freeze." Basically, my situation has to do with a "freeze" moment. I never knew exactly what had happened all those years ago other than it didn't feel right. After my daughter's story relaying how she also froze during a certain abuse, and after researching the various items that can be considered criminal, a title was given to that one-time situation that happened to me.
Honestly, the hardest part has been my precious hubby reviewing our 20 years together in light of this new piece of information. He is a ponderer so it is taking much time for him to digest, especially in light of who our perps were and how horrible the damage done to our children. But I DID get an apology from my pastor for not having followed up with me about this issue after my first time sharing AND my husband has both apologized for what he did and how he reacted when I shared with him. Our marriage is strong...and growing daily.
Anyways, I thought I'd share that I kind of have a perspective from a victim's standpoint too because of that one occurrence (& the physical/emotional/mental abuse from my family) and it helped me to help our children heal and gives me a unique perspective on all this stuff.
I'm very fortunate not to have your exact perspective, I think we all try to tap our own emotional histories to help us understand how our children must have felt, Without having any serious trauma in my past, I can only imagine how it felt to connect your anger at the perp family with "unfinished business " involving your own husband, your closest ally in your fight for your children. It's very big news that you were able to take care of your own needs at last.
Also, I have a unique perspective on being married to someone who committed a sexual abuse and how all that has affected us as people and our marriage. <3
Because I am in a rare position where I can't fully tell my story in person to anyone (to protect our marriage & family: & I have shared a bit with 1 friend & our pastor but not the full story), I decided I needed to fully purge my story to complete my healing process. Ironically, this original post w as written exactly a year ago and I could have never thought that I'd share my full story let alone have my husband's permission to do so at THAT time, so I'm glad that I am emotionally where I am! I am not ashamed of my story because it shows the reality of forgiveness, repentance & unconditional love.