Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

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/ Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Support Group

What's past is past?

FakeFruit
FakeFruit

So, it's been a really long time since I've posted because there hasn't been much happening. My daughter was four when she was sexually touched by a neighbor boy and we suspect he may have molested her when she was three. We tried therapy with her immediately after the incident and I know she was fully aware of what happened and why it was wrong and she remained anxious and scared of the neighbor boy for the entire year and a half after the incident while they were still next door. When she was five I had her in an age appropriate sex education class.


She's 9 1/2 now and today I had a follow up talk with her about puberty and the birds and bees.  I also was very much wanting to know how much she remembered about what happened to her when she was a preschooler since it was obviously a major trauma at the time and I was concerned whether her going through puberty was going to bring back any uneasiness or trauma for her. So, I retold her what happened to her, expecting that things were going to click at any moment.  Instead it seems like she has forgotten everything except that that we used to have different neighbors and that she's gone to therapy a few times when she was little. She also remembered that she had taken a sexuality class but claimed to not remember anything about it.


So, I guess I inadvertantly re-traumatized her by telling her about abuse that she didn't remember had ever happened to her. I explained to her that her mind must have blocked out those memories, but that her "heart" my still remember and make her feel uneasy in intimate situation as she got older and I wanted her to know why so that she wasn't confused and afraid. After I told her everything she she a few tears and hugged me for a long time. Then -- just as all through her very young years -- she didn't want to talk about it anymore.


My husband is annoyed that I told her anything. He said I shouldn't have burdened her and I should have just let her forget it had ever happened.  But, honestly, I didn't think she could have really fogotten since she was afraid to be alone because of this neighbor boy for a couple of years after. I think over time she just convinced her self that she was afraid of "normal" kid things like monsters and ghosts. 


So, what do other people think? Should I have just let her forget or did I do the right thing? And, since I now know that she had forgotten about it, should I just never bring it up again unless she does?

hopefulmama
hopefulmama
Secrets are never good and even though this isn't really a secret it is to her mind.I believe you did the right thing.The more it's talked about the less it will bother her.My daughter can now talk about it without the trauma that was once there. If it's not talked about it may make her feel she should feel shame or embarrassment.Be sure to tell her how proud you are that at that young age she told.This may be a good time to book some therapy sessions.Men never want to discuss hard things!
heartsadx3
heartsadx3
I have such a similar situation as far as ages and what I should bring up. I am of the belief like you that memories are there whether acknowledged or not so I think you did well to explain that uncomfortable feelings may still come up. I would say that even though she doesn’t want to talk she is taking to heart everything you’ve said and although she may not feel there is importance now there may be a time when she does need to access that information and she will know that you aren’t afraid to talk to her about it and you didn’t forget.

My daughter told me when she was three it was very traumatic what happened. After she told me we did therapy for quite a while but she never wanted to talk about it again. At the end of therapy she did actually acknowledge the abuse with her counselor but that was about it. I too wonder how much she remembers. She is going to be 10 in October so I do need to have another talk with her soon. I wish my daughter was more open and willing to talk but she isn’t. I also made a journal the contains everything she has told me so I know that she will have that information if she needs it.

I know addressing my own sexual abuse it was helpful to have as much information as possible to address it and put it in place. And heal and move on. It just sucks to have to do anything for sure.
FakeFruit
FakeFruit
Thanks so much for the supportive replies. I'm feeling more at ease with how I handled this.
Naive1.2
Naive1.2
Even if her brain doesn't remember the trauma, her body does. That's why you made the right choice: so that if she is scared of intimacy later, she will know that it's not because there's something wrong WITH her, but that something wrong HAPPENED to her. She will know she has someone to turn. Good job!
helpme2017
helpme2017
My son was 3 and is now 6 and this is something I struggle with also. As he gets older, what do I say or don’t say. As for now, my therapist says not to bring it up. My son did go to therapy right after also. He is doing good now. However I continue to talk about boundaries. I would love to find a age appropriate sex education class for him. I do feel the same as you, in that I will probably talk to him about it as he is older. Probably with a therapist involved, not sure.