I think I finally had to say, I'm lucky that I will be we understand what is in the mind of an abuser... For that must be the darkest most despicable mind to have... Your FIL sounds like my own father... Who raped and tortured me my entire childhood... But I repressed the memories until I turned 30... So he was able to have access to my own sweet baby, I will never know what he did to her because she was pre verbal when he had access to her... But maybe one day she too will remember as I did... I will be ready for that day...!!! He groomed my husband so much with his charms that my husband can not possibly believe me and what I went through... It is painful to see my beloved husband struggle with that trut, he says things like, your dad has such a good soul, he was so caring and loving... He could never be evil like you say... Somehow my husband is able to ignore the fact that my father has been a drug dealer his entire life and was busted just 5 years ago... Somehow the fact that my father made a living from lying and deception is not a factor in my husbands opinion of my "dear old dad" for he was so successfully groom by this monster in sheeps clothes he can't possible understand the stuff that I have since remembered... How do they do this? Why do they do this? I will never understand... Honestly I don't want to understand how someone can be this disgustingly evil... I thank god every day for being who I am and That I was blessed with a clean mind and a good soul.... I envy not the child molester for they must be living in a self created hell on earth...!!!

I'm so sorry for all that you have been through.... Child molesters are snake charmers... It is a freaky thing to start to realize just how deeply they had you charmed...!!!

Big hugs
Love

I think if I cracked open the head of my daughter's abuser, a swarm of hornets would fly out.

This probably deserves a lot of study -- perhaps someday science will be able to detect and prevent a potential abuser -- because we certainly have no cure for it. It seems that, once an offender, always an offender. At least in the vast majority of reported cases. There must be some rewiring of the circuitry that disconnects the desire to be charming and pleasant from actual goodwill, and reconnects it to the centers of the brain responsible for addiction and secretiveness and violence. This would mean that abusers feel a bigger reward for being evil than they do for being decent human beings. But I am only guessing.

I have often wondered what could have been (can be) on the mind of my ex-husband who abused our only daughter. My daughter suspects he abused her step brother as well and she only disclosed to his family what he had done to her when she saw him trying to seduce his own grandchild! When I was very young I married this jerk and quickly discovered he was no good and got as far away from him as possible! My daughter was seduced by him and I believe she still is as she talks about how helpless he is now that he is seriously ill and what a broken man he is in the eyes of his wife and family. She even talks about having a responsibility to bury him! Why I ask. I don't see any anger in her and only wonder if she had disclosed earlier maybe she could have saved other helpless children. That is not my call - Her relationship to her father is her business and my business is to heal myself. I can't understand the mindset of these seriously ill people - Why would you want to make a child cry and hurt them physically and emotionally - I love humanity so much and especially children - for me it is a "let go and let God" moment. My ex-husband hurt a lot of people in his long life, not just sexually but in other ways as well - He seemed to take joy in lying, deceit, manipulation and control- He must face himself every day and perhaps in some other lifetimes he will see what he has done and how unnecessary it all was...

As always Naive1 I appreciate your level headed analysis. For now let us continue to speak up and speak out and protect as many of our children as we can - they deserve it!

Child molesters are very charming. An act to disguise what they really are. That's how they catch their prey. I think these perpetrators live miserable lies. Constantly putting on an act. Constantly trying to cover up who they really are. Constantly telling lies and trying to keep up with it all. Deep down they must know they are the scummiest, lowest of the low of all humans on earth and they have to live with themselves. And as parents of these innocent children who have been sexually abused, we ask ourselves how we could be duped. How was it possible we didn't know. The reason is because these perpetrators do everything in their power to make sure we don't know.

I believe that these perpetrators are innately messed up in the head and it's not something that can be rehabilitated. They are who they are: child molesters. Like Naive1 stated, "once an offender, always an offender". Which is why my SS will be out of my family FOREVER!!! No chance of reintegration. ZIP, ZERO, ZILCH! I honestly feel that his offending days are not over. He may be able to squash it for awhile, but one day an opportunity will present itself and he will take advantage.

Perhaps in the distant future, earth will be like a sci-fi movie. Some kind of test can be done on everyone to determine their risks. Anyone who tests positive, so to speak, will be eliminated.

Dear Love, reading your post makes me - if you allow me - happy in spite of the horror. Because you sound so complete, so calm and full of wisdom after all your childhood suffering.. I just hope my babies can turn the adult you are. An understanding, protective Mom. I have a question for you (and everybody in this forum) about repressing memories (and I am sorry for my lack of knowledge about the issue): you repressed your memories for 30 years. Was it so bad? Because my eldest (now 4 years old) is suffering from such PTSD symptoms that I am already thinking of a way for him to "erase" or "bury" or "delete" his abuse memories. I mean, it is constant, yesterday he saw my mobile phone and started to tell me about the photos his grandpa made of him (and well, all the disgusting details) and after that, he started recalling the porn movies he was forced to watch (including sex with animals, a twisted version of the Bad Wolf, a one year old baby being brutalized... yes, all that.... ) So, don't you think it would be better to just try to forget? He has already disclosed, he has had at least 20 sessions of counseling (and many ahead)... but I want him (and his baby brother) to be able to BE REBORN and be happy / serene at least within a few years!

Dear Today, when you write : "Why would you want to make a child cry and hurt them physically and emotionally (..) My ex-husband hurt a lot of people in his long life, not just sexually but in other ways as well - He seemed to take joy in lying, deceit, manipulation and control-" you are just describing my FIL. I would only change a word: following my children's memories, not he only enjoyed making them cry: he LAUGHED out LOUD AND CLEAR every time the SCREAMED out of pain and asked for their Mom. And yes, the abuser told them: i) that I was aware of the situation and allowed it; ii) that me and my husband (their parents) did the same "thing" between us; iii) that no body in the family really loved them, just him, the perverted one.

Dear Sabinut, I completely agree with you: "Which is why my SS will be out of my family FOREVER!!! No chance of reintegration. ZIP, ZERO, ZILCH! I " Same for my FIL: to me and my husband, he is DEAD (and in HELL).
My FIL's daughter has been asking to see her nephews (of course, she does not dare to call me, since she was one of the bystanders during the abuse, she lived along with the PERP - her father- and my MIL, even though she is in her mid-thirties). My husband and I agreed in telling her that she MAY have a chance to see them if: i) my babies ask to see her - not the other way roun- , AND ii) she says she is sorry for not protecting them while they were being raped next door at her parents' house (as we did, as parents, for not discovering the abuses earlier); AND iii) that would be in a neutral place, like the counsellors officer, with a mediating therapist and a short, 10 minute encounter, with NO COMMENTS about the old evil one (her father she is still supporting).

I just watched a documentary that said it wasn't as much what happened to the perp but what didn't happen. Not learning delayed gratification and not learning empathy and sexual responsibility. The last statement stood out the most to me for my sons and daughter to be teaching them about good sexuality ideas and biblical concepts so they can be responsible adults. There is a series I like called the story of me...and a follow up book for kids. Just as we want to remove the wrong ideas the perps created we need to fill that spot with the truth and the right ideas.

Three we have the exact opposite problem my daughter disclosed but now mostly says she kicked him away he didn't hurt her. She seems to readily block out the memories. I would rather she work through them than repress them because I do believe it will rear it's ugly head down the road. But she is a safe and happy girl mostly. She does ask for her counselor though frequently which makes me think she knows she needs help.

Wow, you are all so amazing, strong and resilient! The original question, "What is the mind of a perpetrator?" still plagues me. There certainly is a common thread. One common thread appears to be an insane amount of support from the family member(s) of the perpetrator. There always seems to be someone or even many who do not want to acknowledge the heinous crimes. I personally do not believe it is genetic, nor do I believe all perpetrators were victims themselves. However, I do believe the secrecy, the taboo, the lack of awareness and the lack of support around these crimes perpetuates this violence. Too many family members and friends rally for and around the perpetrators. This is as much a crime as the perpetrator and as you all know, it re victimizes the victim.The fact that someone is this sick shakes fundamental beliefs and people are too attached to their beliefs. Thus, if more people who support these perpetrators would accept that their belief structures were wrong there could be more support and healing and perhaps prevention. I also want to mention, I believe many pedophiles are not inherently evil. While I also believe many are evil. There are sociopaths in the world all around us and they take shape in many different disguises. I agree that the torment that many of the these perpetrators live in is probably indescribable. However, this does not dismiss them of their responsibility. We are pain pleasure principle organisms and when pleasure is associated with something we tend to continue to seek this out. (This is why I am VEHEMENTLY against pornography.) We don't know what associations occurred to cause the pathological circuitry. This being said, I am certain my daughter's perpetrator was a sociopath. I also agree with the above postings regarding their ability to charm and deceive. I believe strongly in the following premise which has allowed me to heal and gain a new perspective to move forward and not live in the pain of the past. My experience has brought me to a new understanding, "we attract what we focus on." Let me explain, I deeply feared my children being abused. Indeed, I was a helicopter mom. Years later, I recognize how much my fear generated this type of person in my life. He was a total con artist and played a perfect dad who was "protecting my children". Meanwhile, he was abusing my daughter. I don't blame myself anymore, but I do believe that fear attracted a very sick person in my world. This new perspective (which took a long time to develop), has enabled me to uncover my deep seated wounds which were tied to fear. My belief is that fear is at the root of all evil. Again, not condoning the behavior of these sick individuals. I have found empowerment in my healing and it is healing my daughter and my family. I know longer fear. My God, is inherently in me. God made me and did not give me the spirit of fear but the spirit of love which truly heals all. This is not meant to sound religious. In fact, religion failed me. Instead, this is a calling to inspire others. Again, I emphasize the incredible strength you all are living in and this is the strength that will promote healing. The bottom line is until perpetrators are willing to truly expose themselves, share their sickness with us, we will truly never know what is in their minds. If society, can embrace this ugliness we can start to dissect it, understand it and prevent it. Lastly, we have become a culture that accepts diversity in the expression of sexuality, ie homosexuality, transsexuals and bisexuals. (By the way, I am not judging or stating any opinion around these lifestyles) Yet, we have not developed an ability as a culture to look into the eyes of this ugly pathology of sexual abuse; to understand it, to heal it or to fix it because there is denial paralyzing the human race. The call to action is to speak out, stand up, fight for justice and continue to strive for healing for our children and ourselves. I hope someday we can wake up people to make a difference. Shame loves secrets, and as you all know this is the toughest emotion to break through. I am so inspired by all of you, your stories, your remarkable strength and courage. I send peace and love to all of you as we navigate this journey to wholeness. (Sorry, that was a bit of a tangent.) Much love to all.

You post is so appropriate to me right now. We just received a text from our perpatrator's father (who is a juvenile relative) that the things I had posted on facebook (nothing negative or awful, and 3 of the items referenced the Dugger situation) and one generic one I posted this week. I truly have not posted MANY things on facebook, and never did until this Dugger situation came out so as not to draw attention to us or imply that it had happened to us, any way, the things I was posting were upsetting the perp (who doesn't even use facebook, it is upsetting his mother) and what were we trying to do - expose everything. I am SO TIRED of hearing how rough our perp has it, and how bad his family is having it. They do not even want to know what my daughter has disclosed, they have no desire to hear the truth and the perp hasn't admitted to a fraction of what has happened. Actually everything I have posted was very "perp friendly" and was not throwing stones or being negative. I replied that I had never posted anything that would imply this had happened to us, and that I was very careful about what I did post - and that they have no idea what we have been through and continue to go through - that they will not talk to us, my sister has done nothing but say negative things about me to our mother, and that if anything drew attention to the situation it was that she had no desire to reconcile and heal our family. I had reached out several times in the beginning trying to keep our family together, and she will not respond to me - so I backed off. She has made the choice to live with blinders on and "support" and ignore the facts of the case and supported the perp. My husband and I truly want to start advocating for more education, and spreading the word on how to prevent this from happening to others. That is what I responded, I do post things because I don't want this to happen to ANYONE else - and if one post can help that, then it was worth it. So sorry but I just had to vent. I want to go home and put a for sale sign in our yard and get out of the area so that we don't have to deal with them anymore (they live withing walking distance from us, and just a few doors down from my mother). Does it ever go away? How many of you did move or escape??

@mobley4100 Your reply, story and circumstances epitomize the insanity tied around sexual abuse. I am sorry the support you and your child desperately need, is not there. I would like to encourage you to not feel compelled to explain yourself. You have every right and the need to share this story. The fact that the perpetrator and his mother are upset is not your problem. You are responsible for you and your child's healing not for their mentally warped thinking. Those who have not experienced this trauma do not want us to vocalize, post or expose the crimes are insidiously perpetuating the cycle. I firmly believe it is our duty to compassionately and vehemently share. This allows for awareness and it and allows for you discharge some painful emotions. It is shocking when the victim is not allowed to voice their pain because it might upset the perp or the perp's family. This makes me truly crazxy. This is a belief that needs to be shattered. Stay strong and true to the healing process.
In response to moving, we eventually moved several states away. We faced many of our so called "demons" and then chose to start over. There were many sacrifices in leaving. We continue to heal and we accept there are toxic people all around and we simply choose to not to be around those types of people. There is no escape, more a chin down walk right into the fire in order to heal and purge. Much warmth and encouragement sent to you and your family. Janeen

Thanks, and I am moving forward with my cause. I am officially listed as an advocate on The Mama Bear Effect website and will be doing some public awareness and fundraising. I am going to share as appropriate while also protecting my daughter. We are actually taking steps toward moving right now, and it is great knowing we could make a fresh start where we don't feel like we have to look around everywhere we go (we live very close to our perp and it is a pretty small town). It is more for better job opportunities for my husband and I - but the situation makes it even more desirable. We are truly hoping everything goes as plans, that we find great jobs, and that our house sells for what we would like to get out of it. I have found great support from my friends and family who do know and they fully support us - so we are truly blessed with lots of support. I will have no further contract with the perp or my sister, because as you said, we need to stay away from the toxic situation. We are moving forward and adjusting, and honestly doing great. Life sucks, but we make the most out of it. Here is to new beginnings! Wish us luck!

Very, very, very best of luck, mobley4100. Please let me know if you need editing/proofreading help. That's my one little skill! (Although I seem to make all my typos here on this board!! :D )