The cycle of abuse is real. As a teacher of young children, I know that what kids grow up with becomes their reality, their truth. If that truth is abuse then they are very likely to repeat it unless that cycle is broken. I am very new to this horror story. My daughter just disclosed 2 months ago and her abuse had been going on for about 6 months. My husband is now in jail awaiting a grand jury indictment. He was also abused as a child. This in NO WAY EXCUSES what he did... but it is a reality. I am going to do everything in my power to ensure that they cycle of abuse does not continue with my daughter. He knows what he did toy our daughter is wrong and is just using excuses to manipulate the situation. I am praying for you and your daughter.

Lots of factors go into the decision to abuse. Yes, the cycle occurs, but few children who were abused grow up to abuse children themselves. Unfortunately, perpetrators tend to abuse children serially, so the net of potential abusers gets wider. Here's info that may help you get ahold of the true probability:

http://www.stopitnow.org/ohc-content/do-victims-become-perpetrators

https://1in6.org/get-information/common-questions/am-i-going-to-become-abusive/

What caused your husbands to abuse? Is that really the question you need to be asking? Trying to understand a perpetrator -- trying to see how he happened to choose your precious child, and possibly trying to find a way to forgive him -- detracts from your ability to care for your abused children. You need every ounce of energy you can get just to focus on your children's and your own needs so you can move forward. Trying to understand the un-understandable will only spin you in circles and leave you without answers. Please focus on what you CAN do.

I am fighting a battle with myself because I so want to believe there is no cause for me to worry. I want to believe that my husband will ever abuse again. I know in my head it is a moot point because I now need only be vigilant to protect my grandchildren and support my daughters. You are right, Naive1.2, we do spin ourselves in circles, but how do we stop? I am terrified to leave and I am terrified to stay.

I just read the 1.6.org page you posted. Thank you for that link. Deep inside I know the answer to my questions lies in whether or not my husband is willing to admit his weakness remains, and his ability to get and maintain help. He needs to remain in counseling indefinitely, have an accountability person outside of therapy, and agree to boundaries when it comes to access to children.

*never, never abuse again....

I wonder about this too,I am the type of person who needs to know why,in school I was the question student.When a child is abused how can they grow to be an abuser?If a child sees his mother being abused how can he grow to abuse his wife,it logically makes no sense to me.I think in my situation my nephew was curious and took it too far.His father let the boys watch inappropriate movies,not porn but R rated movies at a young age,my brother in law embarrassed his wife sexually often,he was the type to see an attractive woman and say to the boys"whoa see that ass,take it if you want it".My sister in law found Playboy books in her son's room when he was 10 and instead of using that opportunity to explain things to him,his father(her husband) told her to leave them and he then congratulated his son on becoming a man.I think boys are very confused in this day and age,an athlete rapes a girl and gets off,why wouldn't it keep going on?I asked my husband a few weeks ago why a man would do that to his child,his answer was that he couldn't imagine why because he is not like that,he asked me how a mother could kill her child.we will never understand

I do get the need for an answer, especially as it regards concern for whether our own children will become abusers. My point was that focusing on the mental health of an adult abuser (unlike your nephew, Hopeful) blocks an outlet for necessary rage, and takes away energy for action to support and protect our children -- and possibly other victims or potential victims who are not our children.

Why did my daughter's rapist do what he did? Because he's evil, and I wish him all kinds of pain and humiliation here on earth before he burns in hell. That's enough answer for me. Uranium is deadly, and over billions of years it decays into lead, which is still toxic. We know these people can't be reformed. Preventing new (or re-) victimization, and caring for survivors, are the only aspects of child sex abuse we can control.

I feel the need to address this question of "cause." I was personally raised by two (unprofessionaly diagnosed) narcissistic parents. My father also has psychopathic tendencies. Both of my parents were mentally, emotionally and even physically abusive to me, going as far as to use my siblings against me to do their dirty work. I am the oldest of 4. I have 5 kids. 4 of them were sexually abused by people outside my immediate family.

I AM NOT MY PARENTS. I CHOSE to not be them! I did actually have to work kinda hard in the beginning to not follow certain tendencies of their parenting style and it also took 30 years of emotional baggage worked through, but I am a good, strong, loving, godly, kind, selfless mom/wife.

So, what "caused" an abuser to abuse? THE ABUSER'S OWN SICK, PERSONAL, SINFUL, EVIL CHOICE.

Btw, hi. I have been through hell and back. I had the unfortunate experience of making "friends" (even calling the other mom my "best friend") with a "godly" perverted couple who ended up being child pornographers with their own children as well as using 3 of mine for their sick desires! They groomed our family until the end even asking for help when CPS was going to visit, which we unwittingly gave. And the best part is they ran away to another country and lied about almost all my kid's allegations so that the police think we're crazy and my kids are lying so nothing was done to stop Monster family, as I so endearingly call them, from Continuing to offend...all 6 of them!

An abusive upbringing is a fraction of the cause for abusing when you reach adulthood...if someone has a conscience, they make the right choices, get help and prevent themselves from hurting others. Otherwise, those people are called SOCIOPATHS or PSYCHOPATHS and they have no conscience.

(The bold letters are for emphasis; I promise I'm not yelling at you! ;)

Hugs to you, Warriormomx5.

Thanks Naive1.2. I just had to put my 2 cents in.

And to touch on one other note, DonnaLynn, if your husband blurted out that the abuse he saw his father do to his sister's was WORSE than what he did to his daughter, to her face, when she's trying to call him out on how he hurt HER and just wants him to admit it, he was just making EXCUSES and trying to MANIPULATE your daughter into believing that what he had done to her wasn't worthy of being upset about...and your daughter has EVERY RIGHT to feel betrayed, hurt, angry, scared, confused, etc.! Please, be your daughter's advocate and never doubt that your husband knew exactly what he was doing when he chose to use YOURS & HIS precious baby girl to satisfy his disgusting sexual desires! If he remembers the abuse to his sister's so well, than you can't tell me he doesn't also remember their pain, tears, confusion of who they were, wanting to ask for help but fear of their dad's vengeance, etc.! WHY he would choose to inflict the same kind of agony on his own baby girl is nothing short of sadistic.

Again, sorry if I'm being too blunt but based upon your post it seems your confused on where the blame lies and I want to make sure you're thinking through this scenario straight as I know how manipulator something make you 2nd guess the true reality based upon way too much experience. <3

Yup to Warriormom. Worse than what? A different felony? I'm thinking, "Nope." Your taxes are paying for the legal system. It belongs to you. Use it.

My cousin abused me. His mother was a drug addict who would tie him and his brothers up and force them to watch her and her boyfriends have sex. Some of her boyfriends would rape my cousins. Other times, she'd tie them up and stuff them in a closet while she got high.

They weren't rescued until the youngest cut up his arm breaking a window to get out. Once he was out of the house, he walked down to the 7/11 to steal milk for his baby brother (who died at six months old due to neglect). The clerk caught him and when he saw the blood, he called the police.

So after that, my cousins were so screwed up that they molested every kid they could get their hands on until the law caught up to them as juveniles. Didn't help that their father was als a drug addict loser who set them in his current path. Now as adults, they're breeding like wildfire. Scary thinking they now are allowed to have vulnerable children of their own,

God, Wolverine. I did not know your abuser's background. It's almost unimaginable how much loving care such abused and neglected children would need to avoid becoming abusers themselves. Still, there's something in a victim's heart that says, "This is wrong -- no one should do this to a child." They surely know, if they abuse children of their own, that they are making a horrible, criminal mistake.