Notch, there are no appropriate emotions, number one because this is not an appropriate situation for any parent to be in, and number two because emotions just are what they are. Emotions aren't appropriate or not, although there are things that would be inappropriate to do based on those emotions. Does that make sense?

That being said, I can relate to how you must be feeling so many different things that you don't know which to notice, or also that you might just be going numb after so many shocks. This page on mosac (it says mothers but I can't imagine dads feel a lot different) lists common reactions among parents https://www.mosac.net/page/122 Sometimes just listening to your feelings enough to name them can be a helpful step. It took me months to remember the word "ambivalence" (the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.) and just knowing there was a word for it helped me to accept that it was OK to feel totally opposite things at the same time. When your own children are on both sides of the situation there is going to be a LOT of ambivalence to work though.

I experienced that a lot of professionals expected me to be feeling or acting a certain way based on one side or the other, and judged me if I wasn't feeling or acting the way they thought I should. Is any of your confusion about what you "should" be feeling fueled by that kind of thing? No matter how long they've worked in this area, if they haven't lived it, they can't possibly understand. And I can't understand exactly your situation but I do know that whatever you are feeling and whatever you choose to do, I will not judge it.

Sorry if you already said this but I forgot, but do you and your wife have a counselor for yourselves yet, individually and/or as a couple? More than one social worker remarked to us that sibling situations are often harder on the parents than on the kids. I don't really know if that's true or how she could know if it's true, but it validates that you ARE going through a huge trauma, one that doesn't have a name or a support group or a ribbon you can put on a bumper sticker.

How is extended family reacting so far? Do you have any friends or family that you trust and are supportive?

I'm so sorry about the pain you're enduring. Talk about ambivalence: your sons have all been arraigned and that's devastating! Your daughters have been given the justice that eludes most victims of sexual abuse, and that's cause for celebration!! Your dreams of a happy future as a complete family are shattered, and that's cause for despair. Knowing that the legal decision is by no means the end of this is depressing and frustrating. Dealing with family-wide disclosure may be scary, embarrassing, humiliating (I'm projecting my own experience). That's a whole lot of emotions to feel at once, or from one moment to the next. Feel what you feel. It's ALL legitimate. My heart goes out to you.

Beyond our church pastor, and a close friend or two, we really have no one yet. My wife's side of the family is only now finding out, even though we've been at this since February. On top of that, there's tension on my side of the family over this.