Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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bonnieboo11 04/09/2016

I was going crazy waiting for my daughter to come home yesterday,they told me between 3:30 and 4:30 and she was about 10 minutes late.She said she loved it there and made 4 new friends.Although I do worry a little because my daughter tends to take on others problems in order to show sympathy towards them.I feel like I am looking for trouble but honestly I'm not.It is a little unnerving knowing she is making friends with girls who hear voices that tell them to kill their family(daughter told me that is why one girls is there) and another girl who tried to commit suicide and cut her wrists. These girls are 12.We have always taught out daughter to be friends with everyone and I was always telling my daughter if she ever sees someone being left out at lunch or recess invite her to hang out with her.And she has and I am proud that she is that kind of person.so that is why I have conflicting feelings about this I feel ashamed for thinking like that..I feel like I am acting like we are too good for them,but I don't think like that.I am in survival mode I think, trying to keep my daughter safe,if I could I would move to an island away from the world for her well being.I hate that she HAS to be in a place like that. Anyway the psychiatrist called me yesterday to report his findings,As we all suspected PTSD he said "a pretty severe case of PTSD" and also as we thought he believes all her problems that she has had since she was 8 (see my other very long post)is from the abuse,even her eating issues.My daughter was also diagnosed with ADD a while back and he believes it is not ADD but anxiety,makes sense because even though she had some ADD traits she did not have others.He is also diagnosing her with GAD.He really put the puzzle together, He would say :"does she do this?" or "has this happened?" YES wow how did he know that? So anyway she will be in the program for 10 days probably and we will see what we need to do from there. I pray this helps and I pray my daughter starts to have a better life than she has. I am sending you all a virtual bunch of flowers for reading my rants and long posts!!!!!!

Naive1 04/09/2016

That is a huge success, mainly because she feels so positive about this validation and because it sounds like she has a really enlightened psych who isn't into labels, but into finding the reasons for behaviors and helping to resolve them.

And I get your concern about having raised your daughter always to be friendly. This isn't exactly the scenario you'd had in mind. And yet...you may have encouraged the exact skills she will need in this setting to help this therapy work. She can be nonjudgmental toward others' symptoms and realize that if she can extend kindness to kids who are "worse" (so to speak), then she may be able to reserve some of that kindness for herself, and take advantage of this opportunity to begin healing. One thing I learned from the time I spent in Al-Anon, working on my issues as a mom of a substance abuser, is, first of all, that while my situation differed from others' in the room, I was very, very far from alone and I was accepted -- and acceptable!! Second, we were all finding relief by following the same program, regardless of our situation. For these reasons, as much as for the program itself, it worked. I am a profoundly different mom now than I was three years ago -- a stronger one. It sounds as if your daughter's beginning was indeed a success.

Naive1 04/09/2016

Thanks for letting us know.

bonnieboo11 04/09/2016

Thanks my husband says the same, maybe it will be good for her knowing she is not the only one. In fact she has been wanting to meet other kids "like her" as she says.I have been so conditioned over the years waiting for the next struggle/disaster to start I tend to plan ahead now. Really every 6 months or so something new comes about with her.Wow now I see how this type of abuse can really affect these kids, Thank God we only saw him on holidays,bdays ect. I grieve for those of you who have had it worse

Naive1 04/09/2016

Well, really, how much worse does it get when every holiday is filled with fear and memories of shame? When whatever threats the abuser made echo throughout the year, and the burden of carrying this terrible secret makes it hard to sleep/eat/study? I am glad that your daughter didn't suffer ongoing sexual abuse (as far as you know...yet?), but PTSD is about perceptions and memories and fears that are equally present. I'm glad you're beginning to see how deeply this affects her, and to understand that her "every 6 months" stuff may be a new expression of traumatic stress, rather than a willful creation. I think as children's brains change, their way of processing, or somatization, changes, especially the longer they have to hold this in. You may find that the regularity and intensity of these new eruptions diminish now that your awareness and understanding are increasing. You will be more aware of and appreciative of her "good" days, and that may help her to have more of those. When we focus on the negative, it quickly becomes all we see, and we fear it, and that leads us to look for it and to see it, and the cycle continues. Remarking on the good things you notice will remind your daughter that good things are happening, and remain possible. That starts an opposite, and better, cycle.

heartsadx3 04/09/2016

I wouldn't stress the friend thing it is a short program and it is rheraputic and I'm assuming being overseen by professionals. Of she wants to consider friendships to extend past her time there defer to the counselor. Thank God you are not alone. Just say I've always appreciated your ability to make friends with all kids of people that is very special I'll tell you what let's run that by x and see what he or she thinks. in a very upbeat voice. But before this have a talk with her counselor tell her your concerns and know ahead of time what will be suggested. In the end you are the parent. But don't stress it or be negative. You sound very kind and open minded.

ashley73 04/12/2016

bonnieboo11 - I want you to know that I have been reading all of your post and feel a little guilty for not responding. I don't always have access to my computer and typing things out on my phone is hard. Anyway, I am so glad that your daughter found help and a psychiatrist who seems to understand her and what she needs. I can see why you feel guilty for having reservations about her new "friends" but hope you know that your feelings are natural and are what I believe any good parent would be feeling given these circumstances. These girls do indeed sound pretty disturbed and peers have so much influence, good and bad on a young person. I would be wary of letting my child befriend children with so many problems. This sounds horribly insensitive because these girls obviously have had unfortunate things happen to them. They need positive influences and friends, but because your daughter is so fragile right now, it might be a recipe for disaster. Or maybe she would thrive in helping out her peers. Geesh, it's so hard to know what the right thing to do is. Thankfully these girls are temporary (?) acquaintances and you might not have to think too hard about her continued interaction with them. :-O Anyway, sending hugs and prayers for you and your daughter!

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