Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hi I'm new I'm sorry that I had not joined sooner but things had been getting better now that my daughter is an adult and finally agreed to therapy again. Ok let me tell you the short version on our history. when my daughter was 11 it came out that my brother sexually abused her when she was between the ages of 3-5. I has thought something happened to her but it never would have occurred to me it was my brother until I saw a warning sign then she never went to his house alone again and we moved out of town but my daughter refused to tell anyone what happened even though I took her to therapy. When it came out years later it of course was devastating it tore the family apart and yes my brother is in prison after 3 years in the courts. My daughter went to all sorts of therapy and mental hospitals and a lot of trouble with the police and was raped as a teenager by 2 different adults. It's been a difficult time to say the least. She is now 20 and we have had a difficult relationship for 10 years. She has been going to a talk therapy for a few months and about a week ago she started being nice to me. I thought maybe the lady is getting through to my daughter that I am not the worst mom ever.
This next part is what brings me here and is extremely hard to talk about. 3 days ago my daughter sent me a top up nude picture. Then she acted like it was an accident. Last night after being oddly flirty with me she admitted she had a mommy fetish and wanted to nurse from me and wanted to kiss me. She wants to "be" with me. I didn't want her to overreact so I didn't overreact. I told her that was NOT going to happen but we talked for a while(in messages) I told her we needed to talk in person and she sent me another seductive picture. I think it's a mental breakdown but I don't know she is calmer than she ever has been and there are no other warning signs. I dont know what to do. Please help I Welcome your thoughts or suggestions. thank you.
P.S. I almost got sick to my stomach last night after this conversation.
First of all, the fact that your daughter feels too embarrassed to talk to a counselor about what she told you is, I think, a good sign: she still has a sense of what is/is not acceptable in society. Childhood sexual abuse often creates a dysfunctional sense of boundaries and social norms. Rape is never the victim's fault. My daughter, too, was raped several times in the years before she disclosed to me; her sense of safety was wrecked, and she found herself in risky situations, seeking acceptance from the wrong people.
Second, your daughter's urges may be the result of a form of reactive attachment disorder (https://www.mosac.net/page/147) AND separation anxiety. I wonder if your daughter was expressing both a fear of experiencing normal sexual urges AND the desire to reconnect with you -- at an age when she is "supposed" to begin "adulting"? You can imagine how unsafe she must feel with men at this point. She may also be experiencing a great deal of confusion about her own sexual orientation -- if being with men feels unsafe, she may think lesbianism offers a safer expression of her desires. Or she may truly be oriented this way, and yet feel afraid to pursue it because sex has been such a painful, scary ordeal for her; you may be the only woman she trusts!
It's true that sexual abuse can trigger schizophrenic thinking, so your daughter definitely needs to see a doctor ASAP for a diagnosis and course of treatment. However, I am not convinced that disordered thinking is a life-sentence when the "thinkers" receive proper therapeutic care. I am also concerned that harsh diagnostic labels can become counterproductive -- where the patient begins to think there is something inherently wrong with them, rather than seeing how abuse robbed them of the chance to develop along a more expected route.
In any case, I hope you will persist in finding care for your own mental health. This will provide your daughter with a good example of self-care. Make clear to her that your desire for a therapist of your own is not because you were harmed by what she said to you, but because you want to become a better support for her. Make clear that you are still troubled by the way she was hurt as a child, and that you wish you had sought more help earlier. Definitely check out this option as well: https://www.nami.org/find-support/nami-programs/nami-family-support-group If you find a group near you, you don't have to talk; listening alone may help you feel understood.
How to go forward in spite of this disturbing episode? Say, "I understand that you feel that way at the moment. I appreciate your letting me know [because you DO -- now you know that she needs help!]. By the way, I saw a flock of robins in the yard today -- I guess spring really is on the way!" In this way, you acknowledge your daughter's feelings, and change the subject. Talking about normal, mundane stuff -- things that you both find interesting -- will help you focus on what is "normal" in your relationship.
Many hugs. I'm glad you're here.
There is therapy and treatment and praise God once I found true healing and restoration in counseling yes saying all those embarrassing things freed me from them and for me the desires were immediately removed and I can enjoy a normal sex life. I hope this helps but she can go to celebrate recovery has women’s groups and look for therapists who know how to diagnose sex addiction /issues
After I got out of the hospital she told me she understood that what she did put me in the hospital. I didn't want to blame her so I never told her that's what happened but she's smart. Very soon after this conversation she asked me again. Yes she asked me to be with her physically. So I had to wonder if she was trying to kill me. She is a very angry young person and she could have a sexual addiction I don't know. I don't see it but she doesn't tell me everything and I try to give her distance because asked/demanded me to. She's always been a bully to me. I am a quiet introvert, rather meek person and she is the opposite very outspoken demanding person.
I don't sleep or eat well and anytime I have to talk to her or think of her I start shaking. I'm shaking so bad right now I cant barely type.
But here is what I'm thinking about and i would like some advice. I'm thinking about just leaving. Packing up and starting a new life. I wouldn't mind leaving all my family they are not good people, a bunch of addicts that are like an albatross around my neck. I know that sounds extreme but I know my life would be better without them but I don't know if I'd be happier. I've done it before when I was pregnant with my son I left. My mother had the same bully personality as my daughter and I didn't want her bossing me around anymore. it was a relief to be finally free of her and to learn to be myself. I did eventually come back home but we had a different relationship then. I don't know what to do I feel so insane anymore.
Otherwise I just don't know how to stop thinking about this, how to just forget and go on with life. Also I have been trying to get mental health but the pandemic has made it hard to get treatment.