Hi Notch8!
I was the main communicator in our case. Called CPS like 50 times sharing disclosures, emailed detectives, coordinated therapists, dealt with kid's PTSD episodes.
Personally, for me, journaling & counseling (both psychological & pastoral) helped hold me together. But I will tell you, a good cry in the shower/bathroom still happened...frequently...for years. You could also say I meditated...through prayer.

My husband approached things very differently, but he also had minimal communication with the investigators other than the in person interviews. He withdrew from everyone emotionally, became distant even though physically he was there. I begged him to go to therapy & he didn't feel he could trust anyone (which I don't blame him after what we went through) so he created his own "therapy" to get out the anger. He started visiting the gun range a few times a week, after work, before he came home. This seemed to really help him release stress (& anger I'm sure) & he began interacting with us again.

I don't recommend eating a gallon of ice cream every night...it gets you in a bad spot later on down the road even though it can be comforting! LOL! ; )

I hope this gives you some ideas that would work for you. Sorry you're going through this difficult journey.

Also, give yourself grace to go through the grieving process...you lost what you thought your family's future would be only to be replaced by a nightmare. Time will be your best friend in healing.

I really miss cycling. I rode my bike to work for 7 years, up until two years ago when our vehicle situation changed. Seems like I was better able to handle life. I have all kinds of running & hiking gear I should drag out of the closet... maybe I'd feel more "together" if I started running again.

Some kind of exercise really might help. I'm trying to do that now.

In the thick of it, when I was our "project manager" (the blind leading the blind if there ever was a thing), I leaned a lot on music. I had a job where I was alone and doing mindless tasks a lot and if my thoughts or mood were going the wrong way it could really be like swirling down into a whirlpool. I was able to listen to music and I chose it carefully--it had to be something that could realistically meet me where I was, but that didn't pull me farther under. Too depressing and it would just pull me down. Pollyanna stuff was even worse. Depending on the day, dissonant music, blues/gospel music, angry music, music that was sad but uplifting, even just absurd music. If I was listening to black gospel music that was a sign I was really struggling because it was the only thing that I felt could realistically express my pain and lift me up at the same time. Another sign of a bad day was totally absurd music--Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road--Google it if you don't know it, it's a classic (-:

Can your wife join you on your bike rides and hikes? She may be processing this differently from the way you are, but she definitely needs breaks, and exercise will be helpful for both of your nervous systems. There's a high incidence of divorce among families after disclosure of sexual abuse. You'll want to be teammates as much as possible to prevent further damage.

brknhrt: "Dead Skunk in the Middle of the Road" -- a childhood favorite!! :D

My wife is certainly processing it different. I'm trying to be realistic and move forward and she still has this hope that it will "blow over" and we can be a family again. In all likelihood, our oldest boys will never be allowed back in the house and I'm thinking ahead as to what to do with their rooms and furniture. She thinks I don't want them home, and honestly, the one with three felony counts wouldn't be allowed home if it was up to me.

Denial is an incredibly powerful force. And it can be up to you. You can file a restraining order, on behalf of your daughters, without your wife's okay. It's a deeply unsavory thought -- to legally ban your child from entering your home -- but more unsavory is the idea of welcoming into your home a person who has sexually assaulted your children.

I finally had to turn my own daughter out -- and she was the VICTIM of sexual abuse. That's because, instead of telling us about the abuse and allowing us to validate and help her, she turned to drugs, and her addiction was wreaking havoc in our lives (money, jewelry, computers went missing, dealers would prowl our neighborhood; she even stole from a visitor's purse). It was the most terrifying thing I have ever had to do, knowing that she would be subject to more abuse from dealers. But she refused to go to rehab and we were done with enabling her slow suicide. And it was ALL the fault of the man who raped her when she was 8. So please consider how very brave your daughters have been in disclosing, and grant them the safety they deserve.

The good news is that my daughter finally went to rehab and has been clean for over 2.5 years. She is taking advantage of our offer to pay for PTSD therapy, and now that she is sober, so will be able to benefit from the help.

I was just thinking today that another thing I would do once in awhile was to just focus for a moment or two on something beautiful. Not because I could actually enjoy it, but to remind and prove to myself that there still were good, beautiful things in the world. Everything we were dealing with was so ugly, top to bottom, and it was easy to just drown in ugliness.

You mentioned gratitude and I think that is helpful too. I was encouraged by a Bible study to treat gratitude like a discipline, to find things to give thanks for whether I felt grateful or not. If nothing else it would get my mind off worrying, or whatever else my mind was obsessed with at that point.

I've just been reading a book by Desmond Tutu, an Anglican bishop who was an anti-apartheid leader in South Africa and who was selected to head the Truth and Reconciliation Commission under Nelson Mandela. He guided the process of helping thousands of victims of terrible abuses, including sexual abuses, tell the truth of what happened to them and have it publicly recorded. Anyway, in his chapter about grief and healing, he emphasizes that all of the phases of grief are important, including denial. He mentions that the other stages of grief don't come in any particular order or even one at a time. But denial is always at the beginning. It serves the function of being a "shock absorber" when we are dealt a particularly hard emotional blow. He writes: "We must not berate ourselves even for our denial. It exists for a reason. Denial protects us from remembered pain and can serve to pace our grief. When a loss fells unbearable or overwhelming, denial can be a way of easing us into an acceptabnce of that loss. But prolonged denial can lead us to self-destruction." He goes on to say that feeling and naming our hurts is the way out of denial--but that it can take a long time to get through that, usually we can't handle the pain of everything at once, especially in a situation like yours when there are so many hurts on so many levels. My guess is that trying to push your wife to face reality will backfire, but giving her time and helping her find a space (therapy ideally) where she can be safe and supported in facing, feeling, and naming her pain and fears could help her move through the denial and hopefully avoid turning to harmful substances to numb her pain.

Speaking of which, I made a promise to myself not to drink any alcohol until I was closer to emotionally normal. I had enough presence of mind to realize that adding an addiction of my own would not help the situation any. I really wanted a drink sometimes, which I recognized as the #1 sign I should NOT have one, and I am still grateful that I was able to stick by that decision.

Sorry my message wasn't in the spirit of gratitude. We are grateful for knowing the truth, grateful that our daughter is still alive.

Holding it all together, for me: guided meditations! Please look into:

https://www.healthjourneys.com/audio-library/post-traumatic-stress

The PTSD meditations are 100% appropriate for parents in our situation. These were so effective for me that now, if I hear a certain chord or phrase, I automatically take a deep breath and relax a bit.

My husband also found this to be incredibly centering:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiTtEQ_X2o8

There are many good guided meditations available on YouTube, for free.

Wishing you little moments of peace, day by day.