Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hello,
i have recently joined in that hope that I could be understood somewhere and by someone that gets it.
Last year I found out that my 6 year old daughter was sexually abused by my brother who was living with me and my family at the time, he was 14. She told us a year after the abuse, she completely broke down and shared it with us. I'm numb, I feel as though it's my fault as I let this boy into our home, I feel tormented by the thought that my younger brother is this monster that I had never seen. My little girl has had her childhood snatched away and she is suffering mentally (panic attacks and social issues), she is going counselling. He was found guilty on 6 charges but has appealed the conviction and so my daughter has to face court all over again and she is terrified! I'm looking for someone who has any advice on how to support my daughter further and how do mothers deal with this, it's having a tremendous impact on my mental health and I have nowhere to turn. Thank you
First of all, thank you for calling the police. Many mothers don't and you need to be proud of what you did. You showed your daughter that what happened to her was a crime and that people who hurt her deserve to be arrested. You did the right thing, although I know it's your brother and that makes everything even worse. I recognize that you've gone through hell with your daughter and will do anything to keep her safe. That's what good mothers do. You're a good mother.
She's going to counseling, which is wonderful. You specifically want to know how to support your daughter and how do mothers deal with this. I can't give you my own personal experience, since I have none, but I can tell you what I've seen that works and the biggest thing I've seen in families who successfully move on is honesty. If you're not already, encourage her to talk about it with you. Let her know that you love her just as much as you always have. The assault didn't make you love her any more or any less. It has zero impact on how you feel about her and it never will.
Keep things consistent as much as you can. There's a lot of comfort in building and repeating a routine. Routines make humans feel safe.
Spend time on your own maintenance. It's normal to skimp on yourself when you have kids and in your situation, it's probably more tempting than normal, but you have to take 10 minutes a day to meditate to fight off the anxiety and the crazy feelings in your head that you undoubtedly have from holding 2 opposing thoughts in your head- I love my brother but he hurt my daughter. You've naturally got a lot of guilt and a lot of worry running through your head right now and that stuff is poison.
If you want an exercise to do, I'd suggest that you imagine the kind of woman you want your daughter to grow up to be. Then write out the steps necessary to reach that goal. You now have a parenting blueprint. When you're feeling overwhelmed, it's sometimes wise to take a big step back to look at the whole picture and I find that playing the "What do I want in 5 or 10 years" game gives you an overview of what you need to be focusing on. Then work on letting the worry go. It's really hard, but if you set aside a certain amount of time each day for worrying, it's easier. When it's time to worry, actually let yourself worry. Don't try to avoid it. Just worry and then put the worry behind you until the next time you're scheduled to worry and without worry popping up constantly, you'll feel stronger and more able to guide your daughter through the nightmare of testifying. Ask her therapist for tips on how to support her better. The therapist is your daughter's private ear, but she can still guide you towards how to support your daughter better. There are online groups out there you can access and you should. Talking to other moms is only going to help. You're going to have to reach out a few times before you find someone, but keep trying. It'll be worth it when you find your people. Finally, think about what you can pay forward for someone else. You don't have to volunteer every week or send out big checks, but look for ways to help others, even if it's just talking to others in a group. Groups like this attract a lot of desperate people who need help, but they're all looking for help. As you find help, give help. Share any hints you learn with others. Donate $20 with your daughter to RAINN or another group like that and explain to her what that donation will provide to other little girls who've gone through what she has. This is going to impact her life, but there's plenty of time for you to love her and guide her to becoming a success story. It will always impact her life, but there's lots of time ahead of you to teach her how to cope.
I hope you see this and I hope I've been help to you in some way. Good luck. You didn't know and you contacted the police when you did know. What ifs change nothing but rob you of the joy you need to raise a healthy, happy daughter. Let it go. You don't deserve it and taking on unnecessary guilt helps no one. Move forward with love and patience for your whole family. I wish you every success. You can do it.