Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Some of you will remember me as celtic warrior. I had to change my name as I lost my "Daily Strength" password. lol. After waiting 4 incredibly long years for my (ex) husband's criminal trial ~ it's begun. The twins and I had our pre-trial interviews last Monday and the trial began Wednesday, August 13th. The prosecution called upon us to testify first. I testified over the course of 2 days; my daughter Mary on Thursday; and Hannah on Friday.
Admittedly, I was nervous upon entering the courtroom, as I hadn't seen my husband since domestic violence court in 2010. But something miraculous happened as I stood before the judge to be sworn in. After I told the Judge, "I do, your Honor," I gave the judge the biggest smile ever! Crazy, right? I could tell by his eyes that he was momentarily taken back ~ but then he gave me the biggest smile ever.
And when I took the witness stand, I looked directly at my husband. I wasn't glaring at him. I wasn't even angry.! I was actually HAPPY. Not simply relieved to be getting this over with ~ but happy to have the OPPORTUNITY to tell our story ~ mine and my daughters' ~ in front of EVERYONE.
In that moment, I thought of all the women I've met who, for whatever reason, didn't have their day in court. And because of them, I felt grateful and humbled.
I'm also an incest survivor. So naturally, I thought of my experience. I remembered how it felt to tell my stepmother that her father (my grandfather) had sexually abused me (I was 24 when I confronted her). And I'll never forget what she said. "So. Do you think you're the only one who was abused!" Then she proceeded to tell me that he had abused her too, when she was little. I was furious at the time because that meant she knew what he was capable of, but still looked the other way when he first took me to his bed.( I was 3 years old and was made to sleep with him til I was 9).
I thought of how my own father had tried to rape me when I was 13. I had kicked, screamed, punched and fought back. When he "gave up," I remember telling him, "If you ever touch me again, I will kill you." I meant it and it never happened again. But when I went to my stepmother to tell her what my father had done, she "blamed" me.
I thought of every unhealthy, abusive relationship I had ever gotten myself into and out of. I thought of failed marriages and missed opportunities and all the ways in which my life was impacted by the incest I had endured. This on top of the real reason I was there ~ to be a witness to my daughters' suffering.
And then I realized, I had been waiting for this moment since I was 13. Waiting until the power was mine and being able to do something about it.. I hope this doesn't sound selfish in any way, but right after I answered that very first question, I had this sense that, in telling my daughters' stories, it would help to heal mine. And it's starting to.
For four years I had been living in fear of this trial but once I took the stand, I felt this incredible calm and stillness. I know this Peace could only have come from God. Looking back over 2 days of testimony, I am proud of much of what I said. I didn't do it perfectly. I forgot things I wish I had remembered to bring up and I was caught off guard by a few questions.
And yet, there were those moments when I made some very brave and powerful statements. I don't know where they came from: they just seemed to well up inside me. I was also surprised at how little my husband factored into my testimony. It had been "about him" for too long. And not about my daughters!
I realized that I could tell the truth about my daughters allegations without attacking my husband. And that I could be honest and admit that I had fallen deeply in love with him and that we had married and planned for our daughters. I trusted that it was OK to tell the jury, that, "yes" my husband had been a good provider; and "No" he had never been abusive to me. i.e. these were questions asked of me by his lawyer. I had to answer them, and much to my relief, I realized it was OK to answer truthfully those questions that did put my husband in a good light. I didn't have to lie, exaggerate, minimize or embellish: I simply had to tell the truth to the best of my ability.
And remember "Wes," the DA with whom I've had a love-hate relationship for 4 years? How many times did I complain to all of you that I didn't like or trust this man? I certainly had my reasons but many of you tried to reassure me that he wasn't "the enemy." and you were right! For those 3 days that man HAD MY BACK and my daughters. The prosecution really is your only protection.
For all those times, I'd read stories from those of you who've already been to court, and thought. . . ."but she just doesn't understand; my daughters and I aren't strong enough," or "I'm glad things went well for her and her family, but it can't possibly go well for us," and my favorite, "So many women say they feel this tremendous sense of relief and freedom when it's over, but how can that be? It will never be truly over for me and the girls." For all of those times, I'm sorry. Because. . . . .
You did understand how scared we were. You knew my daughters and I could pull this off. It "can" go well for us. and I AM RELIEVED. It's just that much of what was said about post trial seemed to good to be true.
And as brave as I thought I was ~ my daughters are the real heroes. It's agonizing not to be able to be in the courtroom when your child is on the stand. Which is why I Thank God for the police officer and the baliff who found me crying in the hallway while Mary was testifying.
She had been in there for what seemed like an eternity. They knew who I was right off!! The officer who approached me explained that he was retired and " volunteered" his time to be in the courtroom for the children and in the hallway for the mothers! He told me that I didn't have to worry about my daughter; that she was in good hands. and then he added. "You know I can't tell you what she says or how she's doing, right? I shook my head. And then he took me by the shoulders and said, "This is how she's doing. There isn't a "dry eye" in that courtroom, Mrs.G. Judge Chavez is fighting back tears. Your husband's attorney cried. As a matter of fact, the ONLY person not crying in there is your husband!"
I said, "OMG. She's really doing it." and that officer hugged me and gave me kleenex and got me water and then coffee. . . . I had no one with me on that second day. That police officer was my angel that afternoon.
There were so many moments like this one. Just when my daughters and I felt we couldn't come back to court the next day or handle the boredom ~ No one told us there would be so many breaks and recesses ~ someone very kind would simply show up at just the right moment and know what to say and do. And if they didn't know, they'd simply stay with us for as long as they could or we needed them to. GRACE>
I am beyond exhausted. The trial is in its 2nd week and it is unclear if the jury will reach their verdict before the weekend. Which is WHY I am asking everyone to PLEASE PRAY FOR A CONVICTION. My husband has 16 counts. To include (5) 1rst degree felonies. The DA doesn't want to give me false hope. However, he did say that "all" we need is for the jury to find my husband guilty of just "one" of the first (5) counts. Because each of those counts has a mandatory sentence of 18 years. My husband and I are older parents. We turned "50" this year. So 18 years might as well be life for my husband.
It's hard to stay hopeful. I've heard so many horror stories this week. About "hung juries," and acquittals. And how these trials rarely end with a conviction. But I do believe in the power of prayer. If anyone has any stories about trials where everything "looked" hopeless but in the end, justice was realized ~ please send me your stories or post them!
Kim
The
How man
Are there any other Mothers out there ~ survivors like myself ~ who experienced these feelings when they testified on behalf of their child(ren)? I can't be the only one.
Admittedly, I was nervous upon entering the courtroom, as I hadn't seen my husband since domestic violence court in 2010. But something miraculous happened as I stood before the judge to be sworn in. After I told the Judge, "I do, your Honor," I gave the judge the biggest smile ever! Crazy, right? I could tell by his eyes that he was momentarily taken back ~ but then he gave me the biggest smile ever.
And when I took the witness stand, I looked directly at my husband. I wasn't glaring at him. I wasn't even angry.! I was actually HAPPY. Not simply relieved to be getting this over with ~ but happy to have the OPPORTUNITY to tell our story ~ mine and my daughters' ~ in front of EVERYONE.
In that moment, I thought of all the women I've met who, for whatever reason, didn't have their day in court. And because of them, I felt grateful and humbled.
I'm also an incest survivor. So naturally, I thought of my experience. I remembered how it felt to tell my stepmother that her father (my grandfather) had sexually abused me (I was 24 when I confronted her). And I'll never forget what she said. "So. Do you think you're the only one who was abused!" Then she proceeded to tell me that he had abused her too, when she was little. I was furious at the time because that meant she knew what he was capable of, but still looked the other way when he first took me to his bed.( I was 3 years old and was made to sleep with him til I was 9).
I thought of how my own father had tried to rape me when I was 13. I had kicked, screamed, punched and fought back. When he "gave up," I remember telling him, "If you ever touch me again, I will kill you." I meant it and it never happened again. But when I went to my stepmother to tell her what my father had done, she "blamed" me.
I thought of every unhealthy, abusive relationship I had ever gotten myself into and out of. I thought of failed marriages and missed opportunities and all the ways in which my life was impacted by the incest I had endured. This on top of the real reason I was there ~ to be a witness to my daughters' suffering.
And then I realized, I had been waiting for this moment since I was 13. Waiting until the power was mine and being able to do something about it.. I hope this doesn't sound selfish in any way, but right after I answered that very first question, I had this sense that, in telling my daughters' stories, it would help to heal mine. And it's starting to.
For four years I had been living in fear of this trial but once I took the stand, I felt this incredible calm and stillness. I know this Peace could only have come from God. Looking back over 2 days of testimony, I am proud of much of what I said. I didn't do it perfectly. I forgot things I wish I had remembered to bring up and I was caught off guard by a few questions.
And yet, there were those moments when I made some very brave and powerful statements. I don't know where they came from: they just seemed to well up inside me. I was also surprised at how little my husband factored into my testimony. It had been "about him" for too long. And not about my daughters!
I realized that I could tell the truth about my daughters allegations without attacking my husband. And that I could be honest and admit that I had fallen deeply in love with him and that we had married and planned for our daughters. I trusted that it was OK to tell the jury, that, "yes" my husband had been a good provider; and "No" he had never been abusive to me. i.e. these were questions asked of me by his lawyer. I had to answer them, and much to my relief, I realized it was OK to answer truthfully those questions that did put my husband in a good light. I didn't have to lie, exaggerate, minimize or embellish: I simply had to tell the truth to the best of my ability.
And remember "Wes," the DA with whom I've had a love-hate relationship for 4 years? How many times did I complain to all of you that I didn't like or trust this man? I certainly had my reasons but many of you tried to reassure me that he wasn't "the enemy." and you were right! For those 3 days that man HAD MY BACK and my daughters. The prosecution really is your only protection.
For all those times, I'd read stories from those of you who've already been to court, and thought. . . ."but she just doesn't understand; my daughters and I aren't strong enough," or "I'm glad things went well for her and her family, but it can't possibly go well for us," and my favorite, "So many women say they feel this tremendous sense of relief and freedom when it's over, but how can that be? It will never be truly over for me and the girls." For all of those times, I'm sorry. Because. . . . .
You did understand how scared we were. You knew my daughters and I could pull this off. It "can" go well for us. and I AM RELIEVED. It's just that much of what was said about post trial seemed to good to be true.
And as brave as I thought I was ~ my daughters are the real heroes. It's agonizing not to be able to be in the courtroom when your child is on the stand. Which is why I Thank God for the police officer and the baliff who found me crying in the hallway while Mary was testifying.
She had been in there for what seemed like an eternity. They knew who I was right off!! The officer who approached me explained that he was retired and " volunteered" his time to be in the courtroom for the children and in the hallway for the mothers! He told me that I didn't have to worry about my daughter; that she was in good hands. and then he added. "You know I can't tell you what she says or how she's doing, right? I shook my head. And then he took me by the shoulders and said, "This is how she's doing. There isn't a "dry eye" in that courtroom, Mrs.G. Judge Chavez is fighting back tears. Your husband's attorney cried. As a matter of fact, the ONLY person not crying in there is your husband!"
I said, "OMG. She's really doing it." and that officer hugged me and gave me kleenex and got me water and then coffee. . . . I had no one with me on that second day. That police officer was my angel that afternoon.
There were so many moments like this one. Just when my daughters and I felt we couldn't come back to court the next day or handle the boredom ~ No one told us there would be so many breaks and recesses ~ someone very kind would simply show up at just the right moment and know what to say and do. And if they didn't know, they'd simply stay with us for as long as they could or we needed them to. GRACE>
I am beyond exhausted. The trial is in its 2nd week and it is unclear if the jury will reach their verdict before the weekend. Which is WHY I am asking everyone to PLEASE PRAY FOR A CONVICTION. My husband has 16 counts. To include (5) 1rst degree felonies. The DA doesn't want to give me false hope. However, he did say that "all" we need is for the jury to find my husband guilty of just "one" of the first (5) counts. Because each of those counts has a mandatory sentence of 18 years. My husband and I are older parents. We turned "50" this year. So 18 years might as well be life for my husband.
It's hard to stay hopeful. I've heard so many horror stories this week. About "hung juries," and acquittals. And how these trials rarely end with a conviction. But I do believe in the power of prayer. If anyone has any stories about trials where everything "looked" hopeless but in the end, justice was realized ~ please send me your stories or post them!
Kim
The
How man
Are there any other Mothers out there ~ survivors like myself ~ who experienced these feelings when they testified on behalf of their child(ren)? I can't be the only one.
Sending prayers and strength. Thanks for the powerful words of encouragement. Trial is also looming for us.
Another outcome: your daughter's story has made everyone in that courtroom more aware of this evil, that it strikes in "nice" families, with known and trusted adults. They will be better prepared to believe and to help, if anyone should disclose to them, because of the enlightenment they have gained from participating in this trial. Now they have seen the hurt this causes.
I hope I don't sound patronizing, but I can't think of any other way to put it: I am righteously proud of you. You and your daughters are heroes and role models.
Of course, I've already said my prayers for conviction as well!
I am so sorry to learn that you've the shadow of a trial looming over you and your family. I am glad that you found strength in reading about our experience in court last week. Do you know I debated whether to post? It was 4:00am our time and I didn't think the writing to be very coherent. I was spent in every way imaginable and questioned whether I was capable or inspiring anyone. So I am very glad that my "ramblings" were an encouragement. If you've any more questions about our trial experience, please do not hesitate to ask. If you "befriend" me (i think you already did) you can send me a private message.
Goosegirl. A trial for you as well? How long has it been since the defendant's indictment? While I do not believe there should be a statute of limitations in sex abuse cases ~ there definitely needs to be a 'cap" set on how long a family must wait for their case to be heard! My husband has been out on a pre-trial release for FOUR years: A child cannot be expected to recall much of the abuse "years" after the fact.
Please keep us informed and know that we are all here for you.
96Percent. I've been away from our group for awhile but obviously had to check in after my husband's criminal trial began last week. So I don't know exactly what is going on with you and your children right now. The last I remember is that your case was heating up; that you were hanging in there and that your depression was actually improving. You'll have to catch me up..
Naive! I've missed you so much! Have you begun teaching? I think I recall you were finishing a degree in education when I last checked in. "Righteously Proud" is an amazing compliment: no one has used the word righteously yet BTW! lol.
After my 2nd (and final) day of testimony, "Haley" one of the 2 DA's prosecuting the case, ran up to me, gave me a high five, and shouted, "Momma, you kicked ass!" I was stunned but it makes perfect sense coming from Haley: She's young, hip. Early 30's. Only 3 years out of law school. She's AMAZING: She's made me laugh every day for 2 weeks. The senior DA brought Haley on board for the trial. Best judgement call he ever made. Haley was chosen to question the girls in trial and I am utterly convinced that Mary and Hannah would not have been able to testify had it not been for her. They didn't feel as comfortable with the senior DA: he's male; in his mid '60's. He's a very serious demeanor.
You mentioned a very good point, Naive. That everyone in the courtroom can take what they've learned and apply it to their own lives. The twins' therapist told me that her testimony focused upon Hannah's severe case of PTSD and how it has impaired her memory, affecting her ability to function in school and in social situations.
Hannah's therapist told me that, after her testimony, the "court reporter" approached her to THANK HER for devoting so much time to PTSD. Apparently, the court reporter has a 22 yr. old daughter who suffers from PTSD as well: and yes, it was from CSA. She told Hannah's therapist that she was relieved to know that there isn't anything abnormal about her daughter: she had been wondering why her daughter was still suffering so many years later. She didn't know that the effects of PTSD could be so enduring. So
yes, the act of testifying can educate others. And, as with the court reporter, it IS a "ripple effect." Very much so.
When I've time, I promise I will send a congratulations to you and your daughter! What an impressive young woman. She could have chosen to continue to suffer in silence.. But thankfully she forgave herself, and in so doing, she found the inner strength to press charges against her perpetrator. She's given herself the greatest gift of all. And Naive, I don't believe she would have picked up that phone, had it not been for all the love, support and strength she receives from you daily. Yes, she is an adult, but I do hope that you give yourself credit for being that protective, pro-active Mom that never gave up on her.
has received from you!
"While I do not believe there should be a statute of limitations in sex abuse cases ~ there definitely needs to be a 'cap" set on how long a family must wait for their case to be heard!"
HOW ABSOLUTELY TRUE! It's amazing that states remain so unenlightened that they expect terrorized children to spring forward with accusations while they're still young. It's even worse that they prolong the agony of PTSD by delaying justice. As the saying goes, "Justice delayed is justice denied," and this is never more true than when a victim has been led to think poorly of him- or herself all his life, to feel terrorized and unable to reach his or her potential. What a cost to humanity, all these little brains robbed of the security they need to develop as fully and as quickly as possible; it takes guts to be curious and to make discoveries and to offer a hand to another. The more time that elapses between an arrest and a trial (which, if most accusations are true, as we know them to be, should also lead to a conviction), the more it costs us in brainpower we could be using to build a better society.
A Facebook friend just posted a quote from Einstein in which he argued that evil does not exist; it is merely the absence of God from people's hearts that leads to evil. This may be true, but that "nonexistent" evil can obliterate what is godly, just as surely as if it were a palpable entity. It is critical to shine a light on those who are "ungodly" in this way just as soon as possible after arrest, to allow our children to heal as close as possible to the time when they were injured.
(BTW, thank you for asking about teaching. I'm interviewing for a full-time teaching job next week; in the meantime, I usually tutor enough to pay some big bills every month. Whether in a classroom or at home, wherever I can help kids learn, it's a joy!)