"The more you feel, the more you heal." Very important.

Great article thanks for sharing it!!! Ive read so many negative information it is nice to see some positives put forward. Also I had shoulder pain that has bee horrbible for years aggravated by auto accidents that went away completely after we found out. It still hasn't returned - interesting.

Thank you h3ath3r! I am only 2 weeks out from finding out my daughters abuse at the hands of my ex-husband over 30 years ago! We were clearing some old dirty laundry and I had one more question before plotting a ways forward. "Did your father ever sexually abuse you?" I really wanted a resounding No to clear up my suspicions but I received a direct, quick YES. It was and is astounding! I need to clear my space and move on to higher things...the article was very good. I am healthy, I am happy and will learn not to let these shocking facts determine my life...thank you again...

That is a great article. Thanks for sharing it. Although it may feel like the trauma you're feeling will last forever, it won't. At the mid-end Dec. and very early Jan. i was where you are. In trauma. Utter devastation. Then, one day, it wasn't as bad as the day before. And I felt guilty about it. Also, I physically could not cry anymore. I would cry, but I literally had no tears would come from my eyes. It was the strangest thing.

You will move in and out of so many stages. Right not I'm in the stage of being angry. Oh, I am SO angry at my SS!!!

I love what Naive1 said, "The more you feel, the more you heal."

(That was in the article -- I can't claim credit! :D )

Yes, my sincerest thanks to all for the support. I really feel it. My daughter was strongly coerced to go and live with her biological father, my first husband, when she was 14, over 30 years ago. He had always threatened to "come and take his daughter" one day. My husband and I always lived with a cloud over our heads that it might happen. My mother made every attempt at mediating between me and this very arrogant, ill and controlling man (since I had difficulty being in the same room with him) When my mom made her transition what little communication my ex and I had broke down completely. We lived in different states and at that time in different countries since our work had taken our family to Canada My daughter started calling her biological father without my knowledge complaining that we were too strict, too many dishes to wash, not enough money the usual teenage blues etc and one snowy day he flew in to where we lived picked her up from school and flew her out. What a blow! No parent should ever have to experience that. It was such a well orchestrated, calculated drama, I decided to leave it where it was since our family was about to leave the country on a volunteer teaching assignment across the world and my daughter had made it clear she didn't want to go. She had enough of her creative, artistic, musical, teaching, change the world parents! I cried everyday for a year always worried maybe he might abuse her. But consoled myself that he was a jerk but not a monster and she a very determined strong young lady Fast forward 32 years - my daughter now a successful corporate executive and I are having a business meeting about a piece of property that she bought and I am living in and managing - we agree to be open, honest about our differences in approach etc. and for the first time she initiated a talk about her running away from home...lots of tears, lots of ah ha moments...it is a beginning an opening---a day later I just have this nagging need to know more, I had hinted many times about possibly sexual abuse from her dad - she always smiled or looked blankly at me, never answering directly (all signs of abuse I thought) ...In the interest of honesty, I asked directly and she looked me in my eyes and answered directly - YES...that was 2 weeks ago -- My world turned upside down in a second - There was no time to process it all - I had a lot of anger, guilt but had to go into work mode with responsibilities with the property and she was flying out the next day...I was in a very vunerable space, I knew I had to process it correctly but for now I just had to make it through the day, and make it through the day I did and the next and the next ... my sense is that she blamed me and her step mom quite a bit - she is quite loyal to her now physically ill elder biological father She says I shouldn't put my anger for him off on her and that she went for counseling for years,, she exposed him to his wife and family (when she suspected he had abused his youngest son and now grandchildren) , he cried, apologized and that she is now OK, he is her father, she seems to feel she owes him something- I do not relate but respect her position - - She never confided in me because she said she was afraid I might kill him (wonder whatever gave her that idea:} ...Everyday is a new day - From great difficulties come great openings to live life at an even higher level - I'm taking one step at a time - remaining close to my spiritual community, family of friends, wonderful artists etc. Don't claim to have the answers but I know this too shall pass - I must now focus on my own joy, my own love of life - I did do a fire ritual at our fire pit out back where I burned up anger, rage, grief, guilt and other negative emotions - I will continue doing it until I no longer feel a need...peace and richest blessings to all of you for being here for me in the virtual world - I need and appreciate your support.

I am so sorry that you, too, have learned this devastating truth. The "world turned upside down" is exactly the way I felt when my daughter disclosed the abuse she suffered. While it sounds as if you are working hard to maintain your spiritual positivity, please be aware that processing such horrifying news is a kind of grieving. You may feel good one day, and like crap the next as you work your way through this mourning process. Come here and let it all out.

Thank Heaven your daughter is so super-strong and successful in her life. However, she, too, may have a lot of work to do now that she has disclosed this to you. I'm not quite sure how one can forgive a father for this and move on, with him still in her life. He cried and apologized? Well, boo hoo!!! He should be crying for 50 years in a penitentiary. He was only crying for himself, because he was exposed.

Welcome to a place of support.

Thank you Naive1 for your most profound words - they are more than appreciated! And I agree, processing such horrifying news is grieving - I always knew her father was a wolf in sheep's clothing and got out of the marriage before her 1st birthday. I always wanted to protect her from him.

My daughter has a lot that she has repressed, but that is her journey...I must now heal myself. Some of my hurt stems from her seeming conflict and discomfort in seeing me - I sense that she blames me for being such a strong parent Now that she is a successful executive I see she has the same control issues that her biological dad did (has). But I am a free, open and honest woman and no-one can control me. I suggested some years ago that we go to counseling together - even though we have always lived in different cities (and now different continents) the wonders of the internet make that possible - she did not respond. I suggested a great book by Steven Covey for all of our family to read, digest and put into action but no - one had time...So my girl is gone, off on her own journey, not now open to my love - it's a bitter pill but now that I know the truth it's like finally having the missing piece to a puzzle after 32 years! Life is a hell of a journey sometimes - I just don't want anymore pain in my life over this issue. I'm tired of being emotionally rejected on one hand and then being showered with material gifts on the other hand - it's too upside down. Thank you for welcoming me to a place of support. Time for a "burn up the anger" fire!

It's worth wondering if your daughter would not be more like you -- strong and confident and sure of her boundaries -- had she not been molested by her father. Maybe she doesn't blame you for these traits, but instead envies your self-assuredness. She may, deep down, fear therapy as it might undo her peace with her father. It is easier for her to see him as misguided and repentant, than it is to risk feeling the torrent of anger and pain and hatred that might cause her outward competence to shatter. Maybe she is less afraid that YOU will kill him than that SHE will want to. Please have a look at www.mosac.net for more insights into the after-effects of incest on a child, or an adult survivor.

You are correct that it is your daughter's journey -- I am learning how difficult it is to respect that boundary. I simply want to suggest a route to healing your relationship. I'm sure you have told her that the abuse was not her fault, and that you're so sorry that this happened to her. Even though she is an adult, your daughter's inner child may still be confused about her own "complicity" in these crimes. My daughter was threatened and felt obligated to allow the abuse to continue in order, she was told, to prevent the abuser from killing us, her parents. This is one reason why it took so long for her to disclose. Getting to know your daughter again with this new perspective will help you to appreciate her even more -- that strength you see in her was hard-won. When she sees your appreciation of all she has had to overcome, this might thaw her regard for you. It's wirth expressing your admiration of her endurance, and definitely worth assuring her that none of this was her fault. That may be worth more to her than a thousand visits to a therapist.

Sorry -- rereading your latest post, it is clear that your daughter has already sought therapy. Maybe she fears the feelings she might express to you in a family therapy setting (which might be good idea, or maybe it would be too challenging to her present sense of assurednes). Does this make sense?

It is terribly difficult when an adult child discloses years-earlier abuse. Whatever she has achieved, as a mom, I know you would have approached her with a different level of empathy and acted immediately to protect her, had you known of the abuse at the time it was happening. Coming to terms wth that huge block of lost time when I could have intervened has been one of the most painful parts of my own healing.

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post - I am reading carefully all of your insights - This is big...am on the mosac site now. Will keep you posted. I made it through today and that's all I can do - a day , hour, minute at a time...

Amen! Thinking of you!

Yes Naive1 I think of you often too! Today I awakened with "Yes I am willing to heal, Yes I am able to heal, Yes I can heal." My step-mom used to crochet stuffed animals and sell them and sell to her co-workers. I amassed quite a few of them over time. One special one sits on my rocking chair in my bedroom. Today I decided to carry it around and hug it as needed. Yes!