Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
How can you go on with life if no one can help you? When you learn that justice is NOT to be served for the lack of evidence or time passed? when you learn you cant do a thing to the abuser?
My daughter disclosed to teacher, and then to police about abuse, rape by her biological father(!!!) that was ongoing and betwen hers 12-14 during her visitation weeks with him at that time (we have shared custody 50/50 time). That also involved sometimes his buddies, plus they were drugging her with sleeping pills and alcohol to haze memories. She kept all in secret as he brainwashed her, by placing anger towards me and making her believe he is suffering and needs her pity. She claims at that time she didnt realize what he was doing was wrong and it took her time, knowledge, vocabulary to finally process and identify his deeds towards her. Remember it was her Father, the security blanket, the idol, the number one protector!
She is now 16 and lives with me, not in touch with father for 3 years since.. and after few self-harm (cutting) and sucidal thoughts related hospitalizations, she finally opened up. We were at our wits end trying to figure out whats wrong, whats happening, why all of sudden she is "depressed", "borderline" etc (all diagnoses were given and none seem to identify the cause). It all seem too severe for a simple teenange angst. We had gone over just 5 months through 3 psychatrists - none could identify but all tried prescribe drugs instead for "depression" [side note: I refused as SSRI in teens cause more damage than help, and increasing suicidal thoughts], 4 social workers and counselours - none she could open to. Bless the heart of pshyc nurse who was filling for psychatrist one day (we had a scheduled follow-up visit from hospital) and took an hour of his time to talk to her and arrived to diagnosis of PTSD; advised her to open up abut her trauma and work on it; told there nothing wrong with her organically, but a classic case of PTSD.
My ex is still paying child support and acting pretty innocent in texts, quite concerned of her well being and friendly, logical, reasonable, sincere. To the point I feel that I am going crazy believing her story and not him, who I knew for years and trusted.
I even had a conversation with her - saying, if you made up this all - lets just forget it. But then she started to unload details on me.. the more and more.. till I could not breath or hear or see.. all I felt that time is pain, her pain, that resonated 1000 times in me.
I do believe her. But I know from talking to police (even with an open police investigation now) - there not much that they can do, if she doesnt want to work with police and go through interviews and eventually testify in court.. Because the disclosed story is at least 3 years old - she doesnt believe anything could be done to him. And of course he will deny it all and call her sick and insane.
CPS assigned CPI to the case, while second case being worked on by police. Police investigator told us that they will be closing case because of no evidence (he moved few times since) and only "her words". Basically they cant do anything unless she agrees to confront him on the phone, but even then... you know that in order to convict someone of a crime in the United States a jury must find that person guilty "beyond a reasonable doubt." Her words will not be enough, thats what we were told.
She just wants to move on, heal. And I am here for her, to help in all ways. She has weekly meetings with personal psychologist/social worker, school councelor and we just found a great therapist here, in South Florida, speicalizing in Neuro Emotional Technique (NET) [https://www.netmindbody.com/more-information/net-research] and that seem be helping greatly.
It just weighin heavy on me that I cant do anything to make him suffer just as much as he put her through, and our family... and that he lives unscaffed, unconfronted.
I'm not that much help, but I am confused about how they can just not proceed because she doesn't want to testify (I'm not sure if that means in court or to give an interview to police. My daughter also disclosed past abuse when she was 16 years old, and CPS and police did a joint investigation, and having her give a forensic interview wasn't really presented as an option, it was expected. Then they explained that it wasn't her choice whether or not to prosecute, and wasn't even the police's decision whether or not to prosecute, it was up to the DA. And they would probably base it on whether they had evidence to convict--which, if your ex denies it, they may not. But whether or not the criminal system prosecuted, CPS still made a report with a determination that abuse occurred, and they had quite a lower standard of proof than a criminal court. Since she is a minor, it seems that Child Protective Service, or whatever the similar entity is where you live, should be involved. You have to be careful with them but they might be able to give some kind of consequences for him. I know you have to be careful with being divorced that family courts won't be able to say that you put words in her mouth or are falsely accusing him--but since she disclosed first to a teacher and counselor, that should help you in that area. Another reason to talk to a lawyer before anyone else, if you can at all afford it.
Not knowing more of your situation, the biggest things I'd say for now are talk to her counselor about if and how she should give a forensic interview, and don't say anything to your ex about the abuse, don't tip him off that he is being investigated. And get some advice from a lawyer that understands both family and criminal law. I'm sure others will have more specific info for you.
Getting through life knowing there will be no justice is very, very difficult. It is possible, and common, to spend way too much emotional energy on vengeful thinking, and yet it's not really wasted time, because processing this is HARD. I don't fault anyone in our situation for harboring the very worst of revenge fantasies.
Sadly, the site has shown me time and again just how flipping unusual justice is even when this crime goes to trial. Even the "for certain" cases, with plenty of evidence, that people have shared here often end up in acquittals or with slap-on-the-wrist penalties.
Come here and vent as needed. It has helped me enormously.
I will contact police and CPS today about a forensic interview. To my knowledge, that wasn't done, only the original intake testimony by CPI.
Its been a month since we learned about abuse... still trying to figure the process and best course of actions.
I also updated my original post to give more details.
When our daughter did a forensic interview they recorded it and that is held as evidence by the police/DA. I think they could keep something like that to use in the future if she ever is ready to cooperate more with the police. But giving a forensic interview is stressful and if her counselor doesn't think she's ready, you might want to wait. On the other hand, if she gives the interview now and describes what happened, he can't come back and say that the counselor put the ideas in her head or something like that.
Have you consulted a lawyer at all to help you figure this out? Or a rape crisis center in your area? (800-656-4673 to find one) Someone who would know about statute of limitations, stuff like that? If she decides to cooperate in the future, after more counseling, what do you have to do to not mess up that process? Other ways you might be able to catch him (child porn, etc)? Would it be advised to have Child Protective Service (or whatever it is for you) investigate him or would that just mess up a possible future criminal case? Didn't the teacher have to give a police report? I'm no expert, it just seems like it is being handled totally opposite to what we experienced and I'm surprised the police are giving up so quickly, given the severity of what he did and that there were other men involved too.
In our case the police were more than happy to forward on the case to the DA for our son touching our daughter between 3-8 years ago, when he was only a middle schooler himself. Our daughter had no say in the matter. I suppose they got the "evidence" they need because he confessed that he had done it right away. Unfortunately that's the way it seems to go--the guys who know exactly what they're doing and know they have to hide it are the ones who get away with it.
If your daughter just barely disclosed, it very well might be too much for her to start working with police already, it might be better to get her to a more stable place in counseling if the police can wait for that. It's not like there's physical evidence that's going to disappear or anything. I sure wish my daughter had a counselor in place before she started having to give interviews to everyone.
Maybe someone here is from Florida and knows how it works there. Keep us posted.
It sounds like she has until she's 25 to file a criminal lawsuit (& her abuser MIGHT slip out info in that time, especially if she keeps the case "active" through therapy disclosures AND she'll be stronger) PLUS she could file a civil lawsuit as well. Ask a victim's advocate to explain all this to you! Hope is not lost...time can work wonders at providing more information. <3