I'm hurting so much for you right now...reading your post of punishment for yourself. This is not your fault. You have to be torn between the abused child/children and the one who abused. There isn't one person here could read the signs and prevent what happened. If there were we wouldn't be here supporting each other.

I can't answer for you reading the reports. I would just say if you do make sure you do it for the right reasons - with the intent to help your daughter heal. Reading this as punishment for yourself will only make things worse. My heart goes out to your ((HUGS)) and PRAYERS.

Jen, I agree with woulddo.., You didn't do anythng wrong, your son orchestrated all of it, and was good at it, just like every other perp all of us here have had to deal with. My heart goes out to you too--I wish you didn't feel this pain--it's false guilt. I have fallen into thinking I should have seen the signs so many times too, but that is letting emotions make up facts, which are really lies. The facts/truths are that your daughter and you were assaulted, deceived, disrespected, cheated, lied to, etc. Don't turn your emotions on yourself and away from where they rightfully should be directed. I'm not saying to be rageful and hateful toward your son, but let the emotions come and be what they are--they're not right or wrong, they just are. You have to walk thru them to get thru them, but do not let them (and the perp) blame yourself and deter you from healing. It will take whatever time is right for you, whatever you need. And that will be the best thing for your daughter's healing too.

As far as reading the reports, my son didn't disclose to us until right before he turned 19, and wasn't able to report to the police until just after he turned 20 (the abuse was when he was 15-16) so I was not allowed to read the reports. I'm curious, but it probably would make me more sick, angry and overwhelmed than I already am. I'm functioning ok at this point and have to be able to do that. I've read that when some people read the reports, it made them violently ill and rageful for days and even weeks. I think I'm very supportive and helpful to my son and the rest of our family without knowing the disgusting details, and at some point my son may tell my husband/his dad, and that will be fine. Sometime in the future your daughter may decide she wants to share that with you too. But it's your decision if you want to know now, if you really believe you can handle it and it won't hinder the healing for you both, or you can let her decide. Whatever you decide we will be here to support you with whatever you need. I'll friend request you so you can read my journal--there's alot there that I just don't feel comfortable posting on the public board yet. Peace and strength to you, you're in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))

Jennifer you are in my prayers. I totally understand the hard spot you are in. When we found out about my daughter I thougth I wanted to know everything and to this day I know a fraction of what she went through. She doesn't really remember details, or she says she doesn't. I'm afraid if I knew more than I do now, my rage and anger would come back full force.
This is not your fault and it wasn't my fault...any of our faults. What mom could ever imagine this happening to their innocent child?? I had no idea but I still fight with the guilt. Therapy is helping.
I know I am not much help...just wanted to let you know understand the wanting to know and not wanting to know....Hugs to you.

Thank you all for the feedback, advice and hugs, I know that in reality I shouldn't feel guilty, and I would be the first to tell another mother that, but it's hard, you know? How could this have gone on for 2 years and me not have a clue? Anyway, I am trying to let go of the guilt. It is so nice to have this place to come and get reassurance and advice. Love you guys. Hope today has been good. I have to go see my son for a counseling appt. tonight. I have some more questions for him. HUGS!

Jennifermom,

You are doing the right thing in dealing with this ! My wife was abused by her older brother as well. I assure you that your little angel has alot better chance at normalcy then my wife ever did. First of all it sounds like her abuse was not what the professionals consider to be the worst, which is rape. Not to say that what she has endured is not bad it most certainly is however she will have an easier time of recovery. That is the good news I guess if there is ever good news in dealing with Childhood Sexual Abuse.

I do encourage you to read the reports and find out as much as you can. From my perspective I believe this will at some point in the future prepare you for questions you're little one will for sure have. It will not only prepare you, it will show her that you were concerned enough to want to know and help in any way you can. I'm sure it will be difficult on you but it WILL help both you and you're Little Angel.

Now for the news which is going to be difficult to hear. I know with 100% certaintly your Little Angel will struggle if she is forced to try and put this behind her with having to deal with her brother. I can't begin to understand how difficult this must be on you to have to deal with when you're son is involved. I can tell you though I do know that the worst thing for a survivor is having to look at their abuser. I suggest never even mentioning you're sons name around you're daughter.

I want to bring up a survey which was conducted in another support incest support group which I belong to. The question to the group of incest survivors was "Would you want you're perpetrator Dead". There were 41 responses to the question and not only did 100% of the survivors say yes they wanted their perps. dead the majority wanted them tortured prior to being killed. I found that so very telling about what a survivor must deal with.

I know you came here looking for advice and thoughts on how to deal with this. I can also tell you, I wish my Mother-in-Law was like you !!! I'm sorry to be so blount but I don't know how else to say it from my perspective. Good Luck !!

Tom

I know it's hard. I partly read my daughter's when I met with our county attorney. He handed me paperwork which I started to read and as soon as I read what was happening, I became physically ill. I couldn't bear it. On one hand, you do want to know but on the other hand, you really don't want that picture in your head. I'll never get it out. I beat myself up plenty and I know every parent on here does as well. Can't do that. What you do to yourself is SO much worse than what any other can do to you! I would weigh the options on reading the report. Make a positive & negative list. I never finished it. Once I started, I had to put it down. I didn't want to think of my 6 year old in the positions they had listed. I've had family tell me I'm insane for not wanting to know but unless you've been there, you just don't understand the emotions. Everyone else here is right. You are not alone. Sending healing vibes & hugs your way!