Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
So I'm sitting here with my kids, while DH is at step-sons' football game. Because you know, step-son gets to do anything he wants, even though HE molested my precious boys. I'm just tired of fighting it. I'm constantly being made to feel guilty because step-son cannot be a part of this family. DH told me a couple weeks ago that it has been 9 months and I need to let it go. He just wants step-son to be able to be around a little bit. Not over night, and never unsupervised. My heart is telling there is no way in Hell that I can let that happen. But logically it is the only way to still have "our" family. Even my youngests counselor agrees that he should be able to visit supervised. But then I tell myself that if this was an adult or a stranger, we would never let them around my boys again, so why would we do any differant just because he is family. Right now my youngest doesnt' quite understand how serious this is, but what if when he gets older, he questions why we let step-son around? I'm just being torn in so many directions!
To make matters worse, we just found out a couple weeks ago that DH's nephew, who is 14, has been molesting his 3 younger brothers and sister. He is in juvenile detention because he has no place to live now. He was molested/raped by his older brother about 5 years ago, so he can't live with his mom, and he can't stay with his dad because that is where the siblings he molested live. I just can't understand why my husbands family are supporting my sister in law about keeping my nephew away, but they don't support me. It is the same thing!! And just because the nephew is 2 years older than step-son, he will actually get help, while step-son is only getting counseling ONCE a month. It just aggravates me. It also scares the shit out of me that all this is going on within my husbands family. I mean is it really a coincidence? What don't I know about?
Half of me just wants to pack up and leave and never be heard from again, with my kids of course. But I know I can't do that. And if I leave my husband then my kids will be around the step-son and eventually my nephew,and I will have no control over it. It's all because my step-son was only 12 when it happened, but I have no support from the counselors, CPS, or the courts. All they are interested in is a safety plan so Step-son can be around again.
This whole thing is making me sick. I've never been so depressed, and I can't stop it. I have no insurance, so I can't get myself into counseling. I'm hateful all the time about everything, I don't ever want to do anything anymore. I hate my husband so much, I can't even stand to look at him. I told him that I want a divorce and he just ignores me. He knows I can't leave. He just makes me so mad, because he could push for step-son to be getting more help. He's not even involved in step-sons therapy!! But yet, he blames all this on me, and tells me I'm the only thing keeping step-son out of our lives. And it is just gong to keep getting worse with holidays not too far away. We have court the beginning of Oct. but the prosecutor and lawyer are supposed to be getting together soon to work our a deal. I have no hope whatsoever of anything going in our favor. They know that I will not put my 6 year old on the stand to testify, so why would they agree to anything? All they care about is that this is not on his record, they could care less if he gets help. I just don't understand why dh doesnt see that!
To make matters worse, we just found out a couple weeks ago that DH's nephew, who is 14, has been molesting his 3 younger brothers and sister. He is in juvenile detention because he has no place to live now. He was molested/raped by his older brother about 5 years ago, so he can't live with his mom, and he can't stay with his dad because that is where the siblings he molested live. I just can't understand why my husbands family are supporting my sister in law about keeping my nephew away, but they don't support me. It is the same thing!! And just because the nephew is 2 years older than step-son, he will actually get help, while step-son is only getting counseling ONCE a month. It just aggravates me. It also scares the shit out of me that all this is going on within my husbands family. I mean is it really a coincidence? What don't I know about?
Half of me just wants to pack up and leave and never be heard from again, with my kids of course. But I know I can't do that. And if I leave my husband then my kids will be around the step-son and eventually my nephew,and I will have no control over it. It's all because my step-son was only 12 when it happened, but I have no support from the counselors, CPS, or the courts. All they are interested in is a safety plan so Step-son can be around again.
This whole thing is making me sick. I've never been so depressed, and I can't stop it. I have no insurance, so I can't get myself into counseling. I'm hateful all the time about everything, I don't ever want to do anything anymore. I hate my husband so much, I can't even stand to look at him. I told him that I want a divorce and he just ignores me. He knows I can't leave. He just makes me so mad, because he could push for step-son to be getting more help. He's not even involved in step-sons therapy!! But yet, he blames all this on me, and tells me I'm the only thing keeping step-son out of our lives. And it is just gong to keep getting worse with holidays not too far away. We have court the beginning of Oct. but the prosecutor and lawyer are supposed to be getting together soon to work our a deal. I have no hope whatsoever of anything going in our favor. They know that I will not put my 6 year old on the stand to testify, so why would they agree to anything? All they care about is that this is not on his record, they could care less if he gets help. I just don't understand why dh doesnt see that!
Some helpful things my counsellor has suggested when things get really tough are: Slow, deep breathing (in through the nose, out through the mouth), relaxation/ meditation techniques. You can read up on these sorts of things online. Try and take good care of yourself (eating, exercise and sleep). I know when I can't sleep at night, everything seems so much harder. I ended up on antidepressants to help as well and this could be an option if things don't improve for you. It's not a cop out, it's just something else to help support and prop you up as you go through this crisis.
Coming here to vent is also helpful. We have all sadly experienced similar devastation in our lives and can help care for and support you as you walk this difficult journey, and that's exactly what it is, a really hard path and it's all about learning to survive through it. And that's exactly what you will do - you are a survivor like the rest of us and you are an amazing mom to your precious boys. They are so lucky to have you protecting them and keeping them safe from all that's going on.
Hang in there. I will be praying for you and your situation. Many (((HUGS))) to you and your precious boys.
I wish I had some advice for you about what to do about your husband other than leaving him, but you are right if you divorce him; then you have even less control on when he (the abuser) is around your sons. How old is your step-son? WE got the same song from one of my daughter's counselors about reunifying the family- "OVER MY DEAD BODY I SAID"! No one in our family wanted him within 100 miles of us. I don't know why the courts force this on families -it seems so unfair.
Maybe someone here on this forum has some experience with this -it seems like there must be something you can do to keep your precious boys safe. Hang in there, I am praying for you! Laura
If they dont' reach an agreement, then my 6 year old will have to testify. Which he won't even talk about it, so it will be of no use. Oh and the bio-mom and step-dad were "concerned" because they say we never put my 6 year old in counseling after all this!! He was going within 2 weeks of finding out and went for 4 months, every week! We stopped for now, per the counselors recommendation, until we decide that step-son can start coming around again, or until we notice my son having problems dealing with things. And how is that any of their business anyways? Especially considering when step-son molested thier daughter 2 years ago, they never even reported it, or got their daughter ANY help!! I still want to know how the step-dad got to keep his job as a police officer since all that has come out to CPS and the state police.