Good for you for moving forward - we have done the same thing. I have my own feeling about the "don't tell" scenario. My daughter doesn't talk about it to others (she has mentioned to my mom), but my daughter is only 5. I would maybe explain that other people may not understand, but there may be some trusted people she could discuss it with at some point. Maybe just start with talking to you about who she would want to share with if she decided to share it (she may not). I consistently tell my daughter that this was not her fault and she has nothing to be embarrassed about - and I truly believe that. Of course the majority of the people that I have shared with have been very understanding and are thankful for the information because it points out what an issue this is, which I strongly believe is a HUGE issue, that we DON'T talk about this enough. I have signed up to be an advocate for The Mama Bear Effect, in an effort to increase awareness and spread prevention - and sharing our story points out how easily it can happen. We have not been to our abusers house since this came out, and one incident happened at my mom's house, but my daughter doesn't have any anxiety or apprehension about being there. We too continually stress that the abuse is at fault, and he did something wrong, not her. We will hopefully be in our new town (about 4 hours away) for Thanksgiving, and have scheduled a cruise for Christmas to make things less awkward this year - and the geographical distance will help for the future (although my mother does live a few houses down from our abuser). The bottom line in any of this is that YOU have to do what you feel is right for you and your daughter. Maybe discuss it with her therapist and see what she has to say. I doubt my daughter will share with anyone, but if she chooses to, I will support her in what she wants to do - because it is her story. I will explain that if she is teased or ridiculed it is the other person's issue, not hers. But again, we have had nothing but overwhelming support - but our circumstances and age difference were very different than you. As far as her being normal and not having issues - just take one day at a time. The bottom line is all you can control is now, I worry too about my daughter, not only because of the abuse, but also because she is adopted so will possibly have abandonment issues in the future. I deal with the right now, I love her fiercely, and will continue to look for signs that she is having some issues. The good thing is that since you know that it happened, you know that there are possible side effects - think about this, if she hadn't disclosed you would have no idea. I look at it as a blessing that at least I know to be mindful, watch, and try to catch things before they become issues. I see potential therapy in our future (my daughter has some anger issues that I am quite certain are genetic), and add the adoption and abuse (and the birth mothers drug use while pregnant) - but you know what - my daughter may NEVER have an issue or problem, and your daughter my not either! Worry about what you can control, do the best you can, and give the rest to God or whatever higher power you believe in. Good luck and keep taking steps to move on.

Mobley hit it spot on and I agree completely. My daughter does not like talking about it at all but I have thought of telling all my kids that we don't have to share about grandpa with everyone (doesn't usually come up but sometimes the boys will bring it up or that they have a counselor) I have not had support from most of the family I've told but friends have been. So I don't know but I agree it needs to be stressed that some things we tell safe people that we trust and are for us and will understand us. Its good for us and our kids to understand boundaries around people and that there are different levels of friendship and relationships and that's okay. I have friends that I socialize with but aren't in my inner circle of friends and I have some that are in middle circle but only two or three that are my core friends that really know me and I know them. So maybe drawing it out and include the safe people in the middle mom, therapist etc and move out random child you play with at McDonald's putter circle lol. This might help visualize it for your daughter. Boundaries is the idea that we all have a house and beautiful garden and a fence that surrounds our property. We have a fence because we wouldn't want Just anyone trumping around on our flowers or someone who takes our very favorite flowers and puts in there own favorite flowers instead....No those we let in we trust will appreciate our tastes and be respectful of our garden so it can stay as beautiful as we desire it to be. So that us why we have a fence and we have a door in our fence that allows us to decide who we let in and who We don't. Sometimes you can let someone in a little and see how they do and let them in more as we see that they are kind and respectful. I think these are good ideas to give children who tend to just accept anyone without filter. It is good to show wisdom around who we choose to be in our garden and life, hugs!!!!

I haven't gotten it but I think there is a boundaries book by cloud and Townsend for kids or teens really good

I don't know what advice to give
But want to thank you for your post
Yes - my daughter is 9 - 10/10 flipped out at pediatrician for finger poke (not even actual bloodwork) and wouldn't comply with physical exam nor getting gown on.
She flies off the scale at the dentist office with being forced into chair - her father took her there and discussed being forced into dental chair. She booked out of the office. Onlooker called the police as she witnessed a big man chasing a little girl across streets. Her father lost track of her and she fled inside another office building.
It's a problem...
She has finally started taking showers again - it's been a number of years.

So far I do work with her on breaking through her fears. She had fears with swimming, roller blading, and the shower. All of these I worked thru with her. But - when it comes to a grandparents house where abuse took place - I don't know what I would do either. I think I would then have a hard time going there too ;-)

Just to clarify - wouldn't distance from grandparents - but maybe ask them to my house.
You see lawsuits every once and awhile. People suing because abuse details weren't disclosed to new owner. Sometimes people are disturbed being in a house where abuse knowingly occurred and can't live there even tho they don't even know the family at all.
So - you posted a great question, I think.

All of this is very helpful, thank you for sharing. I am very new, and will contribute with advise when I gain some wisdom in this. So far I am just very grateful that there is a discussion like this.