Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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lotus1978f 04/04/2016

Hey there, I feel like I am the only one fighting for my 4 year old daughter, and I'm losing steam. She stayed at a babysitter's house for 3 hours every Friday. The babysitter is a 'nice' woman in her 30's, with 3 sweet young boys. After being at this sitter's house for 4ish months, my daughter began to say that she didn't want to go there anymore because she didn't like the woman's 3yr old boy. This is the first time ever that our kid hasn't gotten along with another kid, so we basically told her to suck it up and make peace with him. A few weeks later, she blurted out in the car that the boys' daddy molested her. She didn't use the word "molest", but she gave details that no 4 year old should know. The boys' daddy actually doesn't live at the house, and is the woman's ex-husband, but he would pick up his children on Fridays, and sometimes when my daughter was there. We called police and CPS. She had the exam and forensic interview. Literally a month went by, after we told police, that they got us into the hospital for the exam. There was no physical evidence. Long story short....the ex-husband was completely cooperative, took a polygraph, passed the polygraph, and is no longer a suspect. My 4 year old kept referring to the man who hurt her as O____'s daddy, or as the boys' daddy.
Through all the shock and confusion of everything, I realized that the babysitter has a boyfriend that she did not tell anyone about. The babysitter initially said that she'd take a polygraph, but then declined at the last minute. Our state does not require her to take it. The police had a brief phone conversation with the boyfriend, and it's believed that he's gotten legal council not to talk with police. There is simply not enough physical evidence to move forward. :-( I've been so scared to do this, but after a couple months, I showed my daughter a picture of the woman's boyfriend. Her whole demeanor changed, and my extroverted daughter became very soft spoken.
The things he's done (am I supposed to give details in this group?) is deplorable, but there is nothing police can do. She's been seeing a PTSD counselor weekly, but she's been pretty goofy mostly...with not a whole lot of talking about the actual situation that happened.
I feel like everyone is moving on with their lives like nothing has happened! This woman and her boyfriend just posted a picture of them as a happy couple on FB. I haven't spoken to her since the middle of October, when I initially asked why my daughter was so scared to go to her house. About 2 weeks ago, I sent her a message on FB..totally calm and respectful, but explaining the details of what my daughter said her boyfriend did. I urged her to come forward, as my daughter said that he's hurt her 3yr old. Up until all this happened, the babysitter actually had it as her profession to watch small children in her home. Not licensed, but HIGHLY recommended. I desperately want to contact the two moms who gave me verbal referrals for her, since their young daughters stayed there many times. But I've been warned to be extremely careful with words (and possibly not even to say anything) because (A) Their worlds will be turned upside down and (B) I could get myself sued for defamation.
My husband/daughter's father has been supportive, as far as making the call to CPS, and coming to the forensic interviews and police interviews. But he cannot talk with me about it. He wants us to just move on, and focus on helping our children have a happy childhood. He emotionally just is not dealing with this, and I can't understand. A child rapist is living less than 1/2 a mile from our house, and nobody is doing anything! I desperately need a friend to read the letter that I wrote to the babysitter, or to even watch a video that I took of our 10minute conversation with our daughter, where she explained all the things that happened. None of our friends can deal with either of those things. I haven't even showed my husband the email I sent the babysitter because it included some new, disgusting details. I think he would have a nervous breakdown if I told him the latest details (although I did call the detective and told him) :-( I feel so isolated and sad.

ashley73 04/04/2016

Wow. This is so horrible and I feel for you. I know how isolating and lonely this can be. I feel very alone right now as well. I have told my friends about what has happened, but nobody can understand and I feel like I'm putting them in a bad position by continuing to talk about our situation. It's all I can think about however. :-( I am glad that your daughter felt comfortable enough to tell you everything that happened to her, but so sorry that you had to hear it. I can't imagine. I don't know what I would do without this web site. I am glad that you found it! The babysitter's boyfriend should pay for what he's done. The police can't do anything?! Has CPS investigated him? Or did they drop the case after the ex husband was found innocent? I know others will have great advice to give you. My children's disclosures were recent, and I am still unsure of what to do after CPS closed my case, but I am not giving up! Anyway, you aren't alone unfortunately. I am about to start counseling for myself (as well as children) because I recognize that their trauma is affecting me greatly (sometimes I think it's affecting me worse than it is them). I hope you will do that for yourself as well. :-) Hugs.

jazzsnow 04/04/2016

I totally understand where you are coming from. My daughter came forward with details of her abuse back in September and now my husband is finally showing emotions about it. Just last night he broke down crying. It can be especially hard for Dads because they think they are the ones who protect and when something like this happens, they take it as a personal failing. They also react with anger which needs to come out or it will come out against people he doesn't intend to hurt.
I think one thing that most people don't think about is counselling for the parents who are also grieving through this process. I finally got counselling and I am also trying to find counselling for my daughter again. She went through a lot of counselling initially and now wants to focus on basic mental health issues, not just the abuse. She is 14 now, but was very young when she was abused. She kept it secret all these years! I am so happy that your daughter told you sooner than my daughter told me. You knowing now is saving your daughter. She is young and her brain is still developing, so she has a really great chance at recovery. Just monitor schooling etc. Sometimes kids get curious and work through their situations using other kids. Not that she will, just be careful.

The only thing I can say about your situation is that I understand. I get the anger. I would contact RAINN.org to see if there is anything else you can do.

Naive1 04/04/2016

Hello, Lotus1978. I'm a relatively old-timer here. My daughter disclosed as a young adult that a former neighbor (an adult) had raped her when she was a guest in their house 16 years earlier. This was across the street, so way less than 1/2 a mile away from us -- and he still lives there (we happened to move away long before disclosure). All physical evidence is gone, and we had/have no way to pursue justice, even though the statute of limitations in the state is very generous. The perpetrator had other children in the house -- of his own and other playmates; who knows how many victims in all? So....I get it, every bit of it. Your frustration is real, and some days life feels like a silent scream.

As to your husband's state of denial, I concur with jazznow. The fact that he believes your daughter is incredibly -- critically -- important for your daughter's wellbeing, but his focus on moving on is admirable as well. However, it doesn't feel good to you because while he is looking outwardly peaceful, you're so furious, you probably want to kill the perpetrator (revenge fantasies can be therapeutically powerful, up to a point). I would suggest you visit www.mosac.net. The site is written for moms, but explains how others, including fathers, may react to disclosure and why. It is worth investing some time in scrolling through the various pages on the mosac site. I will bump up a RESOURCES thread as well, which includes books and links to other websites of value to those enduring this nightmare.

I'm glad you've found us. You need a place to vent. This is it. And, by the way, you don't need to post details of your daughter's story. We believe you.

rmbadger 04/04/2016

I think a lot of us have spent a lot of time frustrated and angry because we want "justice" for our children. For me, it was easier to focus on that than my own feelings most of the time. My mind would just spin and spin for hours and days on end because of the angry, hurt, guilt, etc I experienced. Looking back, it would have been much better for me if I would have gotten myself help right away so I hope that you find something that can help you. People don't know what to say or how to respond when you talk about sexual abuse of children. People don't want to be reminded of such horrible things and I found that a lot of people didn't know how to act around me or didn't know what to say. Sad, but true. Focus on your family and your emotional health.

lotus1978f 04/04/2016

So thankful for the responses. I will read later this evening. <3

lotus1978f 04/04/2016

I feel like....because she named the wrong person at first, people are questioning it. However, it seems very smart to me (from a little kid's point of view) to name the wrong person just to get out of a situation. Has this never happened before?

Would you speak with the other moms? I'm happy to give more details if asked....I was just "blurting" out what's been on my mind for 5 months now.

My husband and I will be getting counseling starting in 2 weeks. I will look into individual counselling as well

lotus1978f 04/04/2016

I'm sorry for the multiple posts...couldn't see an area to edit to add.

Ashley, I also feel like I'm putting friends in a bad position. It is all-consuming to me these days. I've always been the positive, uplifting friend. This has rocked our/my world
I found this website because I've been searching and searching for support.
CPS (as far as I know) cannot do anything because the perp does not live in the residence. It's technically a criminal investigation matter, but the criminal detective is legally stuck.
At this point in time, my daughter seems completely fine, but I am a wreck. I know that she will be dealing this for the rest of her life, though :-(
Jazzsnow...what is tough for me is that I ALSO feel personally affected. How in the hell can my husband leave me to deal with this all alone?! I am monitoring her. Who should we tell? Her closest friend is a cousin, and I've felt very strongly that we need to tell the cousin's mother.
Naive1....does the perp know that you know? ps...your last sentence almost made me cry. I need someone to believe.
mbadger, I completely relate! I'm getting help for myself soon, as I know it needs to be done. I understand that I need to take care of my family and emotional health, but what about the other small children that have been in that home? I cannot keep silent knowing the children who have been there :-(
But I don't want to be sued for defamation. I'm so tired.

Naive1 04/04/2016

Nope. As far as we know, my daughter's perp thinks he's gotten away with this...and legally, he has. However, I think he probably expected that my daughter would never disclose -- the death threats were effective for 16 years. I don't want to go into all that led up to disclosure, but the moment she told me, it explained E.VER.Y.THING -- all the sadness and anxiety, low self esteem, etc. As I have said to many others here, you are "lucky" that your daughter has told you this while she's young and will receive all the counseling she needs as soon as possible; there's considerable internal corrosion from holding this terror and shame inside for years without any validation or counseling.

As for talking with other parents...has your daughter indicated that she knows of other victims? If so,.please see the thread "NEED URGENT ADVICE! Daughter disclosed 3 other victims!" Lots of considerations....and the consensus is that it's best to let CPS know that your daughter mentioned other victims -- and let CPS take it from there.

heartsadx3 04/05/2016

This has come up before on disclosing to other people and most that responded did despite the fact their may be consequences. Morally they and I felt responsible to disclose what happened to me and my daughter by my step dad if other potential victims are exposed to the perp. I was advised by my counselor to write something short stating the facts only without emotional wording without adding or drawing conclusions or convincing and end with a statement like please use this with discretion my only reason for disclosing this is I would feel horrible if something were to happen to your child and I had not said something. It is okay to say the police have been informed my daughter has disclosed. It was a man from the babysitters home. She described what both me and the police believe was sexual abuse. You can say I later learned from x that a boyfriend that I did not know about was present in the home.

It's okay for them to draw their own,conclusions and weigh the risk for themselves and talk to their children. As long as everything you said was matter of fact undeniable truth don't be afraid to include all the facts even if it makes it seem,doubtful okay you are the one that needs to be 100 percent and you are. Now they either will or will,not act on this information. If it were me I would. So follow your conscience. If you aren't going after him viscioualy being truthful what can they say. I wish the law has something for us to be protected by especially considering how many times justice is never had. Don't worry about convincing anyone. We all know if someone withheld information that would have saved our child we would wish it to be shared, you are hurting and this is hard.

Now if there is an investigation and they could be questioned make sure it doesn't interfere there or with cps. It's okay to take time with it to sort it out get help,yourself and good counsel.

Naive1 04/05/2016

Thanks, Heart, for your comments above. I agree now that, in this instance, your approach would be reasonable. In the situation from the thread I mentioned, the perpetrator was the brother of one of the possible abuse victims. This would have set family against family, and friend against friend. We were concerned that the mom in the other situation would have met not only with denial, but with ostracism by the other families -- there might be side-choosing. In your daughter's instance, Lotus, the babysitter's boyfriend is an adult who is unrelated to any of the families involved, and is still present in the lives of vulnerable children -- but you wouldn't be accusing him by using the clear, neutral wording Heart suggests. Write it all down, and put it away for a day before re-reading it, to see if it still sounds neutral and precise. Here would be one good reason for finding a therapist of your own -- she/he could help you to evaluate your message.

And yes, DO take the time you need to be sure you wouldn't be interfering with justice, because that's part of what you seek by telling these parents -- a chance for the right person to be arrested. That would be of some satisfaction, given your initial dead end.

Like Heart, above, I would have been deeply grateful if someone had known and told me my daughter was in the company of a child rapist.

lotus1978f 04/05/2016

Heartsad, thank you so much for those words! Well, thank you everyone. My mind is so jumbled lately...I've tried to look at other threads but then get distracted. Naive, I will check out that one thread you suggested.

My heart and my head are screaming inside of me that I absolutely need to tell at least the 2 moms that were used as her references. Their young daughters were in this woman's care for 5 years, on a regular basis. My daughter was only there for 3 hours every week! ....and that disgusting man made his way to her so quickly and harshly. There is no way in hell my daughter is the only one.

I believe in my heart that my daughter has told the truth, I just wish someone in real life could support and validate it as well. Instead, the hospital and police have been very neutral throughout this whole thing. The criminal investigator has seemed very supportive to me, and said I can call his cell phone anytime I need to talk. I feel like he believes this happened ,and I feel like he's frustrated that he can't legally go further. But he hasn't actually said, "Yes, we believe this happened." Daughter's ptsd counselor said the things my daughter has said show sexual abuse.....I guess I wish more people would show anger, and take action. :-(

I agree, I cannot believe my daughter told me so soon. She is my hero.

lotus1978f 04/05/2016

Sorry, I can't find if I already said it or not, but I believe CPS closed their case. They only take the case if the perpetrator lives in the home (isn't that nuts). In the beginning, my daughter said it was their daddy who hurt her...and the boys did not give CPS any reason to believe he was hurting them (thank goodness, because that poor man went through hell with this....and I sent him a major apology letter). I do not know that man, nor do I know the babysitter's boyfriend. She never told us that she even had a boyfriend, much less that he was at her house while my children were there.

lotus1978f 04/05/2016

I consulted with a lawyer today. She said that she believes I should tell the 2 women who were the babysitter's references (I know that one of them, at least, is a good friend of the babysitter. Ugh). But the lawyer advises not to talk with other people at this point.
About a month ago, I actually did try to contact the 2 women via a separate fb acct. My big thing is to protect my daughter's identity. She will be in kindergarten this year, and we've only lived in this town for a year. We have no plans on moving anywhere else for a very long time, so I want to protect her. Anyway, because of fb settings...it doesn't appear the women have even seen the brief email. I am going to move forward and try contacting them in a different way, but I just have a pit in my stomach. I need do to it, but I know their lives will forever be changed, whether they choose to believe or not

Naive1 04/05/2016

You're courageous. Good luck. Please let us know how it goes.

lotus1978f 04/13/2016

I want to send a message to the perp. Nothing threatening necessarily. I just want him to know that we KNOW. He will not cooperate with police, and they cannot go any further legally. I want to message the perp and say something like, "Hey there, I am the mother of a little girl you molested, attacked, and raped. I want you to know that I know what you've done. You probably don't even know which little girl I am referring to, as the things you've done wouldn't come from a novice. Out of all the details I was told, the clencher for me is that you laughed at her when she cried. Having that picture in my mind will help me to never give up with getting you caught. As long as it is legal, I plan on doing whatever I can so that other little children never have to be around you. Since your facebook profile was completely public up until a few days ago, I thought I'd go ahead and take screenshots of all your comments, pictures, friends list, taikwondo dance groups, kareoke clubs you frequent,7lbs of weed arrest a couple years ago....you get the jist. Don't worry, I have no plans to contact any of those people at this time. I will talk with my lawyer to see if and when is the best time to do so legally. My primary goal with this message is simply to let you know that I know. How could you...OMFG. Right before you made your FB profile private, I saw that photo of that recent accident you had. It would be out of character for me to say something like I wish that machine would've totally cut through your arm...so I won't say that. Instead, I will keep my dignity and be respectful, although you certainly do not deserve it.

^^^^ Is there anything in there that sounds threatening? I will take it out and revise, if so. Or maybe I shouldn't even send it? God I wanna send it

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