Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
First I want to say you guys dont have any idea what lifesavers you all are.I dont know what I would do without you all. My daughter is really struggling, getting worse by the day and all we can do is wait,our first psychiatrist appt. is Wednesday,at this point I will agree to any meds they suggest,anything to give my daughter some relief. I dont know how to parent this, she feels safe in her room watching videos on her tablet and I urge her to get iut and stay busy,but then we fight,she gets more stressed and I get stressed,we fight more and she ends up in her room anyway. I am wondering if I should just let her do what makes her feel better,her emotions are all over the place. I have things to do and cant just sit in the house all day but I cant leave her alone. I am desperate to help her but everything is so slow.I am wondering if something more happened,maybe she does not really remember yet but at some level does.She is in such distress it does not make sense. It is the most horrible thing to hear your child say they cant take it anymore.
First of all, after having parented 2 different hospital-bound, sick kids, I can share what the child life specialist told me (so a professional's opinion ;): "keep your parenting consistent. Only bend in the areas you absolutely must." So, when my second child was so sick that one of his side effects of being horribly anemic was him being whiney and too tired to follow through on something I asked him to do, instead of disciplining him we'd help him to obey to the best of his ability while talking him through the importance of having a good attitude and listening to mom and dad. However, when he went through his steroid phase, emotions ALL over the place and no control over them, I just loved on him and helped him survive himself. When my oldest had cancer, we made a pact that no matter how hard it would be, we'd work on bare minimum 1 subject of school every school day, even if that meant me reading his text to him and him answering questions orally (which did happen.) Even in the 164 days in the hospital for chemo, surgery or complications of treatment, unless he was literally so sick that he was almost dead (which happened a couple times) we worked on that 1 subject. His dr. who had worked over 30 years of her life with life threatening sick children said herself, "we try to keep to as normal a school year as possible; we want them to feel as normal as possible while undergoing treatment." I share this insight with you because even though our children are not physically I'll, they ARE emotionally/mentally/spiritually I'll. I think the same rules apply...consistent parenting with a side of mercy. So the 1st thing you need to do is go back and evaluate your parenting style BEFORE sexual abuse. How did you discipline? How did you train? What were your daughter's responsibilities? What attitude did you expect from her? Sit her down and explain that you still have the same hope for her future which is a happy, healthy, successful grown up. In order for that to happen you still have to parent her and train her (including how to deal with intense life circumstances, which is reality.) So, your parent-child relationship hasn't changed and you will be implementing the same rules and expectations as before but with an understanding that she's struggling and your struggling...but you want to see her try harder as you also will.
Another thing you HAVE to keep in check is manipulation. After a child has figured out that their circumstances allow them to be treated differently, they will normally run with it. Both my sick kids struggled with it and now my 3 kids struggle with it, especially my daughter. Watch your daughter for a couple days and try to pick up on how/when/why she asks, demands or dramatically insists on having something. You have to become an emotions detective BUT you should start to see patterns of either selfish manipulating for her own gain or true emotional need. Once you figure out her pattern, call her out on the manipulation when you see it...literally ask her "are you trying to manipulate me to get your own way?" If you're right, normally this will shock them out of the bad behavior and they'll pause and look at you or talk back to you with a change in tone. If it's true anxiety, normally it won't stop and they'll be less interactive with your question. Now, obviously, this is simply my personal experience so it might not be perfect but listening to your gut coupled with this goes a long way. Basically you need to re-train her to know that any whim of fancy she might have will not simply be given into just because she went through something traumatic.
Lastly, take back your control. Figure out what is a motivation for her. In my case, we don't use small electronics but only watch movies on a t.v. Watching a movie is a motivator, especially when daddy is involved! For us, dates with daddy are very motivational...special 1-on-1 time getting out of the housemail. So I created a points system where they can earn points from Sunday-Friday and then Friday night we see if they earned a date with daddy. I think I will post a picture to explain the system better but basically, they have to reach 100 points for a date (that is free, no money spent, so ball at the park, walking at the mall for free samples, etc.) and starting at 110, they can either trade in every 10 points for $1 or work towards a 200 point date with daddy which we call a "special date" where $20 will be spent on whatever they want to do with him. Points do not carry over to the next week. Dates only happen on Saturday. Part of what we covered in earning was basic life aspects they have been struggling in due to depression like getting dressed on their own (or even at all for my 2 youngers), brushing hair, school subjects (the ones they have difficulty concentrating on have higher point value), attitude, etc. I also reserve the right to take away 5 points every time their heart attitude is stinky...which includes cruel reactions to siblings even during an anxiety attack. I'm trying to teach them unconditional love, grace, mercy, self control, perseverance, etc. As for movies, when dad gets home from work, he always puts on a show to unwind...to attempt to motivate a normal bedtime, which has been a struggle from day 1 of disclosures, they can't sit and watch with him until they're totally ready for bed including their special doll found (we throw it in anger throughout the day but she can't sleep without it!), teeth brushed, bed clean and made (all 3 have accidents almost every night and sometimes forget to strip it down in the morning), and the two younger ones take melatonin. Once that stuff is done, they are welcome to cuddle and unwind with dad. Something my daughter's therapist said was "it's hard to concentrate on math when you have all these horrible memories invading that space. The more thought a subject takes, the less likely they will try." But she also said to keep trying to do all subjects in school because as she healed, it would become easier. She also said to keep her active because it actually helps combat depression and anxiety. Another thing she said was to help them feel in control of their life again...regain their own power and decision making. Our points system gives them that ability. They have a choice in how their hard-earned points are used as well as if they have the ability to strive for a date at all. Sometimes 100 points is too overwhelming to think about (although I fashioned the system to have 100 points easily achieved by doing basic life demands over the week.) My kid's confidence, decision making and general anxiety/depression has gotten so much better with this system in place! Before they'd beg my husband for time alone and going out constantly which was also exasperating his anxiety...this system protects his need for peace and order too. Maybe your incentives could be iPad and special outings with you? Maybe you could have one of the high-points items she can strive to not do be cutting? Start small, like if she doesn't threaten it during the day, then if she doesn't self harm a whole day, then make it a few days, then a week, etc.
Alright, sorry this was so long! I hope this gives you at least a bit of insight into how you can proactively help your situation. It might not work for you guys but maybe it will trigger an idea?! If I remember correctly, your daughter is 8? Maybe, our daughter's could "talk" through this website? (If they're up to it.) My daughter is 9.
I'm SO sorry that puberty is hitting your precious child so hard. I CAN attest to keeping her in therapy and doing your own expressive types of therapy at home to get her through it. My oldest was just hitting puberty when he got cancer and had to deal with losing a testicle off the bat! One thing I wish I could go back and do is put him in therapy back then. It might have saved my daughter and him from doing anything together. Anyways, sorry, I'm sure that's not a thought you want to think! ;)
Let me know if you want our daughters to connect via messages. <3
Bonnieboo11, I want to assure you that you are wrong: we DO know what lifesavers we have found in this forum. I absolutely depended on the support of our fellow travelers here. I think I wrote something here at least five times a day for three solid months, and eagerly looked for responses.That's one reason why I continue to check in, even though, for the most part, we seem to have regained our balance and sense of direction in our family. I want to be a listener for others.
Here are my two cents.
First, taking care of yourself is critical in this process, and I know that's tricky when you're scared to death for your child, but she needs your example of good self-care. Pubescent or not, she is still looking to you as a guide.
Second, puberty lights up a girl's sense of inadequacy like nothing else, and that's under NORMAL conditions. My daughter's pubescence (11 YEARS before disclosure) seemed much more intense than mine was, though -- she was convinced that everyone was looking at her, she refused to eat in front of anyone at school, she was troubled by her period and by her new body -- and now I understand why. It was a minefield of triggers (pardon the mixed metaphors). Although my daughter has never mentioned it, I believe that her abuser photographed her and made her believe he could see whatever she was doing (for all I know, he WAS looking in our windows); I believe that eating in front of others made her self-conscious because she was reminded of the oral sex she endured, and didn't want to be seen EVER putting something in her mouth; and her period reminded her that she was in a new kind of danger -- now she really could get pregnant. I wouldn't presume, but you could be right that your daughter is repressing more than she has told. However, it could also be that pubescence alone is enough to remind her that this is all happening for sex-related reasons. So...as WarriorMom said, a direct talk with her about this may be useful. If you think it will only lead to added friction, as if her therapist would explore the issue with her.
And have you considered an emotional support animal? It's super easy to sign a pet up for this and by law ppl cannot refuse Ur daughter w her pet anywhere in public - can be any pet from bird to dog. This may give her the security blanket she needs to leave her bedroom and get out.
We got long haired dachshund for my daughter n she fits into a large purse / Vera Bradley bag :-)